How would YOU be feeling?

I didn't sleep well last night. Maybe it was because it was just a little too hot in our bedroom, or maybe it's because I have a growth the size of a watermelon protruding from my mid-frontal region.


Everyone always asks, how are you feeling? Now how am I supposed to respond to that? If I'm being polite, I'll say "fine." If I'm being honest? Well, let's see.

• I can't sleep at night because there's no easy way to sleep with a watermelon under your shirt.


• If I do get to sleep, I wake up every 2 hours with a violent urge to pee like I haven't peed in a week.


• When I do get up to pee, this usually awakens Sarah Beth, who then proceeds to beat me unmercifully.


• If I can make it more than 2 hours without running for the bathroom, I'll probably be awakened seizing up with leg cramps, like I've just run a marathon, when it was really just across the room to the toilet.


• I have constant heartburn, even from eating stale rice cakes.


• Walking back and forth from the bathroom to the couch 5 times during an episode of Murry physically exhausts me. (Thank God for Tivo; how else would I ever catch a whole episode of anything??)


• And the BH contractions have started. They aren't too painful yet; just imagine squeezing your waist into a pair of jeans that are 2 sizes too small and wearing them for a few minutes, taking them off, then putting them back on again every 10 minutes or so for an hour.


• Also, none of my clothes fit properly. I'm wallowing around like a beached walrus in a flowing muumuu after I found out I gained SEVEN POUNDS in ONE MONTH at the doctor yesterday.
• Also, my back hurts like hell and I have unbearable gas.

Now you tell me, how would you feel?