Childbirth Class

Last month we joined 6 other expectant couples at the OCH to learn how to become suitable parents. I was expecting 4 nights of 30-45 minute sessions in which we would learn how to breast/bottle feed, burp, change and generally care for our infants. What we got was 9 hours over 3 nights of endless lecturing and horrifying images (plus a nice collection of Jack's "notes" including a "nip slip" count in which he tallied the total number of times we saw breasts in the breastfeeding slideshow. We didn't make the last session.

I don't remember much of what we covered, except that it was boring as hell. The only thing that kept my attention was the video they showed of this woman giving birth. I don't know if this was the nurses idea of a sick joke, or if they really thought it would be "helpful" to all the women in the room who were already terrified of giving birth, but those horrifying images will be burned into my brain for years to come.

First of all, I don't think the woman in the porno was given any pain medication because she was screaming like a banshee. Also, she was in labor for 24 hours. I know this because the nurse told us, and then she helpfully added that with your first kid, labor can sometimes last longer than 24 hours. So that woman was lucky. When the thing finally came out, it did not look human. I'll spare you the rest of the details. you're welcome.

When we left class that night (3 hours later), I thought I was traumatized. I didn't even want to look at Jack. When we got into the car, he didn't start it; he just sat there for a minute. Then he looked at me and said, "This is going to be so awful."

Now, up until this point, I had not received much sympathy from my devoted husband concerning the pain and suffering I was sure to experience on September 11. Watching that video was terrifying, but at least it brought some reality to Jack. Maybe now I would get some sympathy... here's how the conversation went:


Jack: "I mean, 24 hours?? That's a whole day!"

Me: "I know. It's not going to be fun."

Jack: "No kidding. That's a hell of a long time to be in labor. How awful!"

Me: "I'm going to be so miserable!"

[This is where the reality of my husband's sympathies come in]

Jack: "You?!? I meant how awful for me!"

Me: [speechless, waiting for the punch line]

Jack: "I mean, do I have to be in the hospital the whole time you're in labor?"

Me: [Still speechless, trying not to punch him in the neck]

Jack: "What am I supposed to do the whole time? That's a whole day! I'm going to be bored out of my mind! I guess I could take some playing cards, and we could play in between contractions..."

At this point, Jack begins to realize the red coloring along with the expression on my face indicates that I am beyond pissed. He tried to laugh it off and say he was just kidding and that of course he would be right there the whole time, but his true feelings were made clear in his final casual comment, "but do you think you could get that down to 2 hours?"