Our Sweet Sarah Beth


Darling Little Debbie


Friday, February 21, 2014

Ode to oxymetazoline

I am suffering. From what my doctor calls pregnancy rhinitis. It's a fancy way to say I'm congested because of all the extra blood flow in my sinuses. My doctor's drug of choice is Claritin D. However, I can't take that just before bed time, when the rhinitis really gets raucous, because it keeps me awake. As if I don't have enough trouble sleeping these days.

My drug of choice is oxymetazoline and not just because of the way it rolls off the tongue. That stuff works. Unfortunately, my OTC nasal spray of choice not been studied thoroughly in pregnant women, so I made the informed decision to use it sparingly. Don't judge. The nights that I do use it result in blissful, breathable sleep. I love it so much that I wrote a poem about it two nights ago whilst drifting off. You're shocked, I know.

You understand my plight
Assuage me through the night

Fearless you go like a mighty spelunker
Plowing your way through my sinus bunker
Through thick and thin you infiltrate
Congestion you eviscerate 

When can I see you again
Rhinitis best friend

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


My poor, sweet third child. How unloved will he feel when he grows up and realizes he got no prebirth blog recognition? I often think I'll write some things down for him to look back on one day, then I get busy or just forget before I can get to the computer. I blogged every detail of my first pregnancy. Naturally, I did less the second time around. This is my first post in ages, but at least I'll get one in before he's born. If you're reading this in the future, son, I love you!!

These are the things that keep me awake at night. That and the heartburn. I actually had the nerve to tell a friend not too long ago that being pregnant with a boy didn't seem any different to me than my first two pregnancies, except that this time I hadn't really had any of the DV. You may need to see the age old posts from my first pregnancy here or here to catch up if you're not familiar with the DV. If you don't have time, just know that DV is better known as heartburn.

No sooner had I bragged to my friend that I was DV free... of course it hit me days later. I won't mention the fact that the leg cramps haven't been a problem this time either. Otherwise, all three pregnancies have been very similar. I'm hoping that labor will come naturally this time, because I don't know if I can handle the pitocin this time around. Jack thinks I'm crazy to not want to induce labor. "It's so convenient! We pick a day, then I can schedule work around it, and we can line up someone to watch the girls and answer the phones at the office..." There are lots of reasons on Jack's list for me to take the needle. One of my favorite words is defenestrate. You should look that one up.

I realize it's "convenient" to know the exact date your child will be born. What isn't so convenient is the pain and suffering I've got to endure for convenience sake. No doubt natural labor will be quite awful, but it certainly cannot be worse than pitocin induced labor. The first go round with SB was a breeze. Annie was a different story. Who knows what will happen this time? I'm not saying I won't be begging for it in a few weeks...but hopefully this kid will be a bit more respectful and come on out on his own.

I'm 37 weeks, so we are on the final countdown. I'm sorry, son, that I don't have as much time or energy for creativity, but I promise to try very hard the next few weeks to write a few things down for you.


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

On public restrooms as a pediatric diuretic

Annie is two and quite full of herself. Sarah Beth has made it her mission to potty train her sister. I wasn't quite ready to invest the time and effort involved in such an endeavor, but SB found a potty training DVD and made Annie watch it again and again.  Naturally we had to invest in a potty seat, which Annie was anxious to use again and again. She cried a little when I switched her diapers for pull ups, then cried a few days later when I traded the pull ups for big girl panties, but we seem to be on the right track now. I am a firm believer in bribery when it comes to potty training.

However, I realized pretty quickly that I had neither the time nor the patience to play the "I have to go potty" game every 3 minutes. I had to remind Annie many times that she only gets an M&M when she actually goes to the bathroom, not just for sitting on the seat. It didn't register for a while, and SB wasn't thrilled watching me hand out M&Ms to Annie and not to her. In a moment of brilliance, I solved all our problems with a simple solution. I added "potty train your sister" to SB's list of chores. Annie gets an M&M every time she uses the potty, and SB gets one for helping her get on and off the potty every time Annie gets hungry for a snack.

Now I just have to figure out how to handle the almost daily scenario where Annie comes running up to me and squeals with delight, "I tee tee in panties!! I want an M&M!" On the plus side, we don't have to work on that kid's self esteem.

Jack and I were at the office a couple of weeks ago unloading some display cases when we realized it was lunch time. Jack suggested we go to one of our favorite restaurants, and I wasn't going to argue. We had the girls with us; we normally don't take them out to eat at nicer restaurants (ie any place nicer than McDonalds) for obvious reasons. But I was hungry and the fact that I had two small children in tow didn't register in my mind until we walked in the door, and I remembered that Annie was wearing big girl panties.

We went immediately to the bathroom so that Annie could get that out of the way before we were seated. The trip was a success, we washed our hands and went to the table. Annie was distracted for a few minutes while the waitress took our drink order and handed out menus. Then she announced, "I need to go potty." This is the point where we probably should have just left, but I was hungry. So we went back to the bathroom for another surprisingly successful visit. Back to the table where Annie sat with Jack for 30 seconds, switched to my side of the booth for 30 seconds, played under the table for another 30 seconds, then needed to use the bathroom again. I was doubtful. But I had learned from experience that the minute you ignore that warning, you're going to have something of a mess on your hands. And your floor.

 We visited the bathroom four times before our food was delivered. After the second trip, she obviously didn't have anything left in the tank, yet each time she insisted on stripping down and sitting on the seat before announcing, "I done!"

 I tried desperately to distract Annie with her lunch, but she was more interested in visiting that amazing bathroom again than in eating some boring macaroni and cheese.  I raced through half of my salad with the speed of a toddler racing to the bathroom. And then we raced to the bathroom for a 5th visit. I begged Annie to please eat after that. She wasn't interested. "I not hungry. I need to go potty." I looked at Jack, who was so dazed by this point that he just waved and said, "go." He didn't mean to the bathroom, and I knew it. As we entered our neighborhood, my frustrated gaze met Annie's in the rearview mirror. She gave me a big grin and announced, "I HAWNgry."

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Bluth Party

Great news, everyone...The Bluths are BACK!!! Although if you care at all, then you already knew that all the new episodes of Arrested Development were released on Netflix over the weekend. But this story starts months before, when the announcement was first made that they were coming.

Obviously this was great news worth celebrating Bluth style. The first step was to create an invitation so that everybody who was anybody would know about the party.

And of course, the RSVP cards, so we would have enough frozen bananas for everyone.

Turns out I underordered by about a dozen, so we had to resort to evites as I discovered an AD kinship with those of you I didn't know were fans!

Then the real work began: Selecting a costume (Lindsay Funke)

gathering items for the silent auction,
Three EW collector edition covers, quote buttons, Franklin magnets, Glisten toothpaste, Bluth Co Tshirts (and a shemale) and even a copy of Tractor Pull magazine. 

making Bluth bucks for guests to bid with at the auction:

In denominations from $1 (Buster) to $500 (George Sr.)

 planning a menu and making labels for the food

convincing Jack that he really should let me set up a mini Father / Son Triathlon in our backyard (presented by Teamocil)

and of course, banner making:

Did anyone get a picture of the banner that was hidden underneath this one?? Please send to me asap.

By the time venticinco finally rolled around, I was actually a little sad that all the planning and excitement were about to be over! But as we Funkes like to say, ONWARD AND UPWARD. The guests were about to arrive.

...to be continued

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Catching up

We celebrated Annie's second birthday this month. I can't believe my sweet baby is two years old! In preparation for the event, we decided it was finally time to cut the mullet. Annie wasn't as psyched for the milestone as I'd hoped. But our sweet stylist was ready with a sucker, which was all Annie needed to convince her to sit in the chair.

 We had a birthday brunch with the grandmothers and a few friends.

 And Annie got a tricycle, which SB is teaching her to ride.

 Annie was pretty worn out by the end of the day.

I've been ordered to sing "Happy birthday to you" every night at bedtime since.

Annie is getting bigger, smarter and cuter every day. She sings her ABCs (with about 50% accuracy). Today she said a 6 word sentence on the way to church. I would have been excited if it hadn't been, "I want to eat the boogers." She's been learning too many things from SB.

Sarah Beth is a little too smart for her own good. She doesn't miss a thing. And she eats boogers. On the plus side, she has decided to stop sucking her thumb. Jack promised to build her a playhouse in the backyard if she did it. Then he decided to google search kids playhouses while SB was sitting next to him. Huge mistake. On a related note, we have started a playhouse fund if you'd like to donate.

One of SB's babysitters is getting married this summer. She called last week and asked if SB would be her flower girl. I took a photo of her on the phone getting the news.

Guess what. She said yes. She's actually been looking at bridal magazines every place we see them, picking out dresses and cakes for the big event.

The best news of all is that SB made a big decision this month. She asked Jesus to come into her heart! It was an exciting day.

My sweet girls are growing up so fast!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Difficult Life

Two quick stories to share this morning:

Last week SB came into the living room and plopped down on the couch next to me. She sighed heavily and moaned, "My bunyans are KILLING me." I suspect this line came from her favorite show "Pound Puppies." A few months ago, she snuggled into my lap, called me Uncle Barlow and asked me to tell her a story. I later discovered that Uncle Barlow is a character from Pound Puppies. SB has a memory like an elephant and is constantly quoting things she hears other people say as well as infomercials. You may remember this story about Packit, which ended up on that company's facebook page not long after I shared it with you! A few days ago she was telling me all about another product called Custom Made. I saw the commercial a few days later, and most of it sounded very familiar. These folks surely know how to advertise to kids.

Yesterday SB was going to run errands with Jack. She had packed a few toys into her backpack in case she couldn't handle the 30 minute trip. She was struggling to get her backpack on for a minute before she sighed and said, "why does my life have to be so difficult?"

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Strong Willed and Easily Irritated

Strong willed and easily irritated. Not a good combination. My sweet Sarah Beth turned FIVE earlier this month. I don't know what happened to my baby, but she is long gone. She desperately longs to be a grown up and constantly bemoans her youth. Every night while forcing vegetables down her throat or announcing with glee that "it's bedtime!!" I'm always met with the same response, "I wish I was a grown up so I could do/eat whatever I want."
 I'm trying to allow her some independence, but she often takes more than what is offered. Today we had lunch with my mother at a local restaurant. SB asked if she could order. I said sure. She ran up to the counter, greeted the cashier and ordered her food, drink, and requested a special side dish. Then she tugged on my shirttail and whispered loudly, "Mom! Can I pay?" The cashier was quite amused and played along nicely with Sarah Beth as though I wasn't even there. She thanked her for her order and handed her a cup and a number for our food. SB was quite pleased. "Can I get my own drink??" Of course. "Can you take Annie outside and I'll be there later?" No. She wasn't quite as pleased with that.
 After we chose a table outside, SB kept thinking of reasons to go back in. By herself. "Annie, do you want a cracker? Mom, can I go get Annie a cracker?"... "I really need to wash my hands. I'll be right back." She was not happy that I insisted on coming inside with her to the bathroom. She asked (told) me to stay by the drink machines while she washed her hands. When she realized she couldn't reach the faucet, she came for help, but immediately wanted to me to leave again. Her final trip inside the restaurant was for napkins. I let her go in but stood inside the doorway watching. She went to the condiment table and squatted down behind it. I don't know what in the world she was doing, but she was getting some strange looks. I hurried over to her and pulled her off the floor. She was sooooo embarrassed. "Mom! I'm okaaaaaay. I'm just looking for the napkins." That's funny. It looked an awful lot like you were trying to hide from me. And the napkins certainly weren't on the floor. I pointed to the basket on the table and she shooed me out the door. She waited until I was far enough away, then grabbed about 4 dozen napkins and casually strolled in the general direction of the door, smiling and nodding at each patron as she passed them. Just another grown up restaurant customer in need of lots of napkins.

 Whew. At this rate, she'll be having me drop her off three blocks from the movie theater by the time she's 12.

God likes it when

Sarah Beth asked if we could go to Sonic for lunch earlier this week. I usually get that request when leaving Wal Mart, as it is directly across the street. Meanie that I am, this time I said no. Immediately she hit me with the inevitable, "But WHYYYYYYYY?"

I explained that we had a car full of groceries and needed to get home to unload them. Plus we had plenty of food to eat at home, and chicken strips and fries aren't very healthy. SB was still unsatisfied. She sat quietly for a moment plotting a way to get to her fast food destination. Finally she said gently, "You know, Mom. God likes it when you do nice things for other people."

So I did something nice and didn't spank her for the blatant manipulation attempt.