Is it hot in here or is it just global warming?

I hope my reading public will allow me to diverge from my usual list of topics in order to bring you up to date on the dire situation we are facing regarding global warming.



MSNBC this morning was reporting on the concert heard round the world, aka Live Earth. According to msnbc, these brilliant artists combined aboriginal dancing, imitation chimpanzee cries and a lot of reunited rock bands in order to save the planet from spontaneously combusting. Genius! I'm sure Al Gore was behind this. Thank goodness we got the Internet out of him before he lost his mind.



Thanks to last night's combined efforts of Madonna, who was hoping to "start a revolution" and Shakira, who shook her hips for global warming, our great grandchildren's great grandchildren will not have to worry about the polar ice caps melting and causing another worldwide flood. Kanye West even chipped in with a rousing rap rendition of the Police song, "Message in a Bottle." I'm sure it was riveting. Thank you, Kanye, for saving our descendants.



By performing on a stage made of recycled tires and placing recycling bins around the stage area, these performers slept better last night after doing their part in helping to save the planet. I'm also certain they adhered strictly to Sheryl Crow's flash of brilliance with her world-saving idea of using only one sheet of toilet paper per sitting. It's sure to make a difference.



As someone who goes to the bathroom A LOT, I can safely assure you that one sheet just doesn't get the job done. And I don't cheap out on toilet paper either-it's just not something you want to do to yourself when you're peeing every 30 minutes. I use Cottonelle's Ultra Double Rolls, and I've found that 6 sheets is really most effective.



But I digress.



Now, you tell me what gives a bunch of jet setting celebrities the right to tell me that I need to be more conservative in my energy consumption?? I don't fly around the world in my own private jet or light up a multi-million dollar home every day.



At least Dave Matthews admitted his eco-unfriendly farts were damaging to the environment. But is he going to stop eating mexican food? I think not. He defended himself by fingering cows as culprits as well. "Cows fart and so do I," was the quote he gave to reporters last night. I really want to know who conducts these studies that test the methane levels in cow poots and measures the damaging effects they have on the environment.

Even Spinal Tap reunited to lend a helping hand in the fight against global warming. They also wrote a new song for the occasion, appropriately titled "warmer than hell." You can help them in their fight against hot dirt by visiting ebay and bidding on the opportunity to have dinner with the members of the band in LA at a time and place to be decided at some point by some unknown person in the next year...

While Al Gore is preaching gloom and doom, and the world is coming to an end, his cry is that in the past 100 years, the temperature of the earth has risen slightly less than 1 degree. Am I the only one who finds that incredibly stable??

If so, then you can do your part by turning off your lights and lighting a candle, biking to work and opening a window instead of running your air conditioner. However, my pregnant self will be enjoying the modern conveniences of indoor plumbing, with all the toilet paper I can find, even if it causes the earth's temperature to rise another degree in the next hundred years. My great grandkids can just wear short sleeved shirts.