Heartburn Hotel

It's been a rough couple of days. After the tree limb dismembered my windshield, I spent the next 2 days driving my sister's car, which seems to be a little low on freon.

Question. What's worse than being 8 months pregnant in the heat of the summer?

Answer. Being 8 months pregnant in the heat of the summer without air conditioning.

So we got my windshield fixed. Then the air conditioner broke in our house. I would have gone to my parents house to bask in the glory of their air conditioned goodness; however, our phone broke the same day, so I had to wait here for the AT&T man to come fix that. Repairmen are always so prompt. As the thermostat crept up to 80 degrees and beyond, I began to wonder what else might go wrong.

Then the stomach bug hit. I won't go into details there.

But listen to this. The AT&T man, when he arrived, discovered a short in our Tivo, which was causing our phone line to short out. Solution: unplug the tivo.


YEAH RIGHT.


and miss all that murry?? I don't think so. The business calls will just have to go to voicemail. I spoke with Jack about this, and he agreed. The only logical way to handle this was to hope customers leave messages, so we can call them back after murry is over. After all, with us, customer service is and has always been #1...just behind the tivo.

Also, I've been dealing with a raging case of acid reflux/heartburn/devil's vomit-whatever you want to call it. Another wonderful side effect of the pregnant life. I had never before experienced this fabulous sensation, until about 2 months ago when it hit with a vengeance. For those of you who have never had it, consider yourself lucky. Imagine drinking a small container of, say, hydrochloric acid...then burping it up every few minutes or so for hours afterward. It's not a pleasant experience.

My new best friend has become the giant bottle of mylanta that has taken up permanent residence next to my prenatal vitamins on the bedside table. I take a giant gulp every night before bed, but the past few nights, one pre snooze gulp of mylanta, or the "chalky white power" as I have come to call it, hasn't been doing the trick. Lately, I've been getting up for a 2 am snack of the CWP (chalky white power. I shortened it.) I have almost come to enjoy the Classic Original flavor that quenches my fire.

My doctor said Mylanta

I know most of you are already familiar with my laundry list of hidden talents, including but not limited to rapping (my college girlfriends call me Murphy Lee but those who know me now prefer Easy E), juggling and entertainer extrordinaire. However, for those of you who don't know, I'm also a bit of a lyricist. Here's a poem I penned last night while trying to sleep through the devils vomit.

Lying peacefully, trying to sleep
All of a sudden, up from the deep
This burning sensation; it feels like a fire
The chalky white power is all I desire

This burning, this acid, it's all I can take
I'm thinking that dinner was a mistake
I feel it; it's rising. There's nowhere to run
This thing they call pregnancy is no longer fun

Sleep-it evades me. I can find no peace
Lying here wondering, will this never cease?
"I'm a woman; I can take it"-this myth I dispel
I'm living a nightmare in heartburn hotel.

*Author's note. The original title was actually Heartburn H-E- double hockey sticks. However, since my mother is an occasional reader, I had to PG it. I've already been in trouble for using the H word on here once before. My apologies to any and all offended parties. I will, in the future, attempt to banish the use of all foul language from my posts.

The tree limb through the windshield incident

So there I was...lying peacefully asleep during my 2 pm naptime when BAM! Jack slams the downstairs door, stirring me from my slumber. I was ticked. Not 2 seconds later, I hear another, much louder KA-BAM, coming from outside my window. I jumped out of bed and into the closet, certain someone had just dropped a bomb in our backyard.

As I huddled amongst the shoes scattered on the closet floor, desperately clinging to my favorite maternity dress, I realized that Jack was still downstairs, possibly maimed from the blitz attack. I knew I must go to his aid, no matter what the danger lurking outside. I grabbed the .38 from underneath the bed and creeped down the stairs with the stealth of a lion on the prowl. As I rounded the corner and pointed my pistol, ready to let loose its fury on whatever culprit stood waiting, I noticed the door was opened, and no Jack in sight.

Then I heard him call to me from outside. So I put the pistol away. Thankfully, I didn't need to use it this time, but should a prowler come calling, I'll be ready. When I stepped outside, this is what I saw:

Yes, my precious altima, trapped under the weight of a giant tree limb, whose number came up unexpectedly just as soon as I parked my car beneath it. The hood, scratched and dented. The windshield, busted beyond repair. It also broke off a piece of my rearview mirror.

Thankfully, our homeowners insurance and our car insurance are with the same company, so they had to pay up. After we paid up our deductible, of course.

On the bright side, I had recently made several attempts to obtain a new inspection sticker for the altima, since it was 3 months expired. I turned on all the pregnant charm I could muster for all the old mechanic men around town, but, alas, no one would inspect my car for the giant preexisting crack on my car windshield. Jack wasn't quite ready to spring for a new windshield, so I've been driving with an expired sticker. SHAME ON ME!

After the tree limb through the windshield incident yesterday, we had no choice but to replace it, so, blessing in disguise! I can now get my inspection sticker and drive with the peace of mind that if I am pulled over, I will not have to fear the $15 fine for an expired sticker!!

Sure, we had to pay $300 for the windshield, but hey, with the $15 we will save on not getting a ticket, I think that $285 is a small price to pay for the peace of mind I now have when driving down the road, my vehicle properly inspected.

Blessing in disguise.

SB's Glamour Shots

Here she is folks! Isn't she beautiful??

Thanks to AK for letting me use her scanner!

It's truly amazing what they can do technologically these days. I'm 33 1/2 weeks along; only 6 and a half weeks to go! She looks ready to me. And she's started clawing at my insides like a wild monkey, so I think she's pretty much ready to come on out.

I just need about 2 more weeks to get the nursery ready-Mere I hope you're ready to work when you get here! We've got to get this kid's room finished and furnished. Since I'm pregnant, you can supply the labor; I'll provide the entertainment. Can you say karaoke machine???

Zack Attack- "Friends Forever"

Talkin' bout FRIIIIEEENDS forever!

MAURY: YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

This girl is not 100, not 200, but 5000% sure that he is her baby daddy.

Wasting away again in televisiville

Since it has recently been brought to my attention that there are still some people out there who do not know who Murry is and who therefore cannot appreciate his gumby goldness, I feel that it is my duty as a responsible citizen to help spread the word.

I have included with this post a video clip that pretty much sums up the show and why we love it so much. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the clip of Telia, who was on her 11th appearance, still searching for child support. If you're interested, I have it saved on my Tivo and still watch it every now and then when I'm feeling a little down.

Unfortunately, Murry couldn't make it to our wedding, but certainly not for lack of invitation. I think his flight must have been delayed or something. This is why Jack and I are so excited about our upcoming trip to NYC for our paternity test. We've been working on our reactions, but I dare say no matter how much we practice, we'll never be as good as the guy in the video.

When I'm not watching Murry, I'm usually freshening up on my SBTB trivia. Unfortunately, Jack made me cancel my season pass, so I no longer record it regularly. However, I've pretty much got all the episodes committed to memory. I don't know why Jack doesn't appreciate it as much as I do. I mean, what are the odds that a group of high school kids would all be so talented in every aspect of music/sports/classroom knowledge.

They formed several bands together, performing as the Five Aces at the Sock Hop, and they always performed at every school dance. And who could forget the Zack Attack playing "Friends Forever" when the kids hit the big time. Also, when the gang is playing the senior prom, Slater and Jessie are unforgettable in their rendition of "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?".

Am I the only one who still cries every time I see the breakup episode where Kelly dumps Zack for that college jerk Jeff?? Every time I watch it, I know what's about to happen, but I always hope that maybe they changed the ending and they don't break up after all. Then I tear up a little.

While I'm on the subject of quality television programming, I can't help but mention that Jack and I have become a little obsessed with "America's Got Talent" although to be honest, it would be more aptly named "America's Got Weirdo Freaks who Think They Have Talent." If you've seen it, you know what I mean. If you haven't, don't waste your time. You will get sucked into the mediocrity of the performances, the brilliant reviews by the "qualified" talent judges (David Hasselhoff) and most of all, the performance of 30-year-old Boy Shakira, all hosted by Jerry Springer. Talk about entertainment.

I could probably go on all night, but for lack of time and energy, I'm going to call it quits for now. I'm certain I've given you more than enough to think about and more than enough to fill your Tivo's hard drive.

Happy viewing. So long, and goodnight.

Baby clothes!!

Ok Heather,

I'm expecting lots of ooooohs and aaaaaahs. I took as many pictures as I could before I heard Jack pull up in the driveway. I knew he wouldn't understand if he walked in and saw me furiously arranging and taking photos of SB's clothes. He already thinks I'm a little nuts. I have tons more cute stuff, but here are a few super cute outfits:

The picture just doesn't do this coat justice. It's so tiny and adorable.

Striped onesie and soft cardigan!

This might be my favorite dress. It has matching underwear!!

It's a skort!! And it has a little handkerchief hat to match!

For my MC girls

I had a great time this weekend in Jackson hanging out with my old college girlfriends from MC. Saturday, they threw a baby shower for me and SB! It was a blast. Special thanks to Amy, Carrie and Jennifer for hosting such a great party. The decorations were so cute and the food was fantastic. (I think I ate 3 petit fours.) Just trying to follow the doctors orders and gain some more weight. I definitely did that this weekend.

SB got some adorable outfits. This kid is definitely going to be the best dressed baby on the block. I was so excited when I got home to show Jack all the loot. I came bursting through the door, heavy laden with baby gift bags and asked if he wanted to see. He gave me this bored look and asked, "Is it all clothes?" When I said yes, he said, "Just take it to her room," and pointed down the hall.

I then boasted that we also scored a portable bottle cooler/warmer, and he looked mildly interested for about a millisecond. Well, I thought it was cool.

I was devastated. Thankfully, my mom came through for me and oohed and ahhed with me over every article of clothing from tiny pink socks to a soft pink coat. Thanks, Cayce Ann, for getting her some cute purple outfits so Jack will have something to dress her in besides pink! Those were my mom's favorites. My mom also thought the bottle cooler/warmer was a major score. Men just don't get it.

Unfortunately, some of my pictures didn't turn out very good. Here are some of the better shots from the shower. Roommat or Nelly, could one of you please send me the group shots we took so I can have pictures of everyone who was there? Thanks!

Murphy Lee and Nelly. See how cute the decorations were?

The hostesses were Carrie, Amy and Jennifer.

Bethany Harris and me.

Sorry I don't have photos of everyone else. My camera is a little awful. Will post them as soon as I get some from Amy or Jen.

Thanks again, everyone who came to the shower and for all the great gifts. I had a blast catching up with everyone who was there and getting the scoop on those who were not able to attend. Also, no one at the shower was certain as to the proper spelling of a certain baby item; according to Target's Web site, the correct spelling is "onesie." So now we know. I'll make sure I get it right on all the thank you notes!

Eating for Two

Sorry I have been gone for so long!! Yesterday Jack and I went to the doctor to have our 4D sonogram done. It was SO worth the hour long wait in the waiting room with only the young and the restless to keep us company-I scheduled my next appointment during Murry, so I'll at least have some real entertainment while I'm waiting.

Anyway, we got some AMAZING photos of SB; thankfully, she's still a girl. The doctor made that very clear as he looked Jack in the eye and gave him a rundown of the appropriate anatomical terms. Besides the fact that I almost threw up/passed out on the table halfway through, the sonogram was a raging success. She is so beautiful already; this has been a major concern of mine so far during my pregnancy. For those of you who know my brothers and have seen their beautiful kids, you know what Jack and I are up against. But all my fears were put to rest yesterday when I looked into the face of my little girl. Of course, when you put 2 great looking parents together, what do you expect?

Those of you who have never seen a 4D sonogram picture, I know you're thinking I'm a little nuts right now. Just wait until I find someone who has a scanner so you can see for yourself. It's an actual photograph of her. and she looks like a real baby. Even Jack was stunned. It was so cute when I was leaving yesterday afternoon to come to Jackson for the weekend, he didn't want me to take all the pictures with me. He said, "What if I want to look at them while you're gone?"

So I cut a few pictures off the top and left the rest on the refrigerator for him to look at until I get back. He's going to be such a great dad.

More great news-I didn't have to get on the scales this time. We just did the sonogram and I was out of there! As if that wasn't good enough, SB's weight was a little low for her age, so the doctor said I could eat a little more if I wanted to. Well. That was all I needed to hear. Then he followed that up with: it "wouldn't hurt" to increase my carbs. Which of course, I interpreted to mean "Eat whatever you want whenever you want, especially lots of chocolate and ice cream."

We went straight to Wendys after the doctors office, where I promptly ordered a 1/2 lb double stack. with cheese. and fries. AND a sweet tea. The things that were previously off limits were now as right as rain. I almost ate the whole thing. It was so delicious, and SB was jumping for joy. Baby shower food, here I come.

We had to stop by a bank where a client works so I could run in and give her some samples. As Jack studied SB's glamor shots, he became convinced that she looked just like his brother. By the time I got out of the bank, he informed me that he had already called the Murry show to set up our paternity test so he could "get to the bottom of this." You can look for us on Murry at the end of September. But I am 210% positive that Jack is the father.

We went to show his mom the pictures, and while we were there we pulled all the old family photo albums (all 76 of them) off the shelf to compare the baby photos. We went through 900 baby photos, all of Jack, and couldn't find a single one of Rob, except for 1 or 2 of Jack holding Rob. Even the baby book in Rob's old room was chock full of Jack's baby pictures. (Sorry brother; it's the curse of the 2nd child.)

The good news is that after about 700 photos, Jack became convinced that SB really did look like him. His mom is convinced that SB looks like her, and I just think she looks like a baby. But we're still going to see Murry in September. It's been a dream of ours for quite some time. We are both quite excited at the prospect of meeting one of our long-time idols. If you want an autograph, let me know how many I need to get.

Promise to post SB's photos as soon as I can locate a scanning device.

The Crackhead t-shirt Incident

Well, it was a long weekend, but I have finally caught up on my sleep. I took about a 3 hour nap yesterday; I am sleeping for two now, after all. After my glorious nap, I was ready for some action. Jack has been wanting to see Transformers for a while now, but I was completely uninterested. However, feeling pretty generous after my 3 hour hibernation phase, I finally gave in. Heather, after reading about Trey's Harry Potter fanaticism, I didn't feel too bad going to see Transformers with Jack. At least he wasn't in a cape or anything.

No cape, but dressed just as embarrassing nonetheless. Confused? Let's go back.
A year or two ago, my brother somehow came across this man who used to be a crack addict. Then he found Jesus, and now he spends his time telling people his story and how he doesn't need crack anymore because he has God. He also sells t-shirts. As a gag, my brother gave Jack one of the crackhead's shirts as a birthday present. It was a hit. Jack loves that shirt and would rather wear it every day more than anything else in his closet.

I did finally convince him that it was NOT appropriate for church, although that was an uphill battle. However, he still wears it around the house all the time and even out in public from time to time, but not if he's with me. That's what we agreed.

Back to the story. Jack was wearing his crackhead t-shirt around the house that day, and I had already agreed to go see Transformers with him that night. When we got ready to leave, I was heading downstairs to get in the car and asked if he had his wallet, keys, etc and A SHIRT. (I had left a collared shirt laying over the couch for him to put on over his crack shirt.) I don't think he was listening, but he said yes.

I got in the car, and didn't pay any attention to him when he jumped in beside me and took off. He dropped me off at the front of the theater and went to find a parking spot (such a gentleman). I got our tickets and was waiting just inside the door when I saw him walking toward the theater. My heart stopped beating for a few seconds when I saw him. (yes, he's great looking, but that's not why I couldn't catch my breath.)

HE WAS STILL WEARING THE CRACK SHIRT!!

I looked around for a place to hide, but it was no use. When he walked in the door, I grabbed his arm and whispered, "Where is your shirt??"

He looked down in horror and realized that he had forgotten it. Then he started laughing. Joke's on me. He swore it was an honest mistake, but then he just strutted his stuff right up to the concession stand to get a drink. I ordered a large popcorn and told him to hold it right in front of him so no one could see his shirt, but we got a few strange looks in the lobby, so I guess it was too late.

I was completely mortified. If you think I'm overreacting, that's your opinion, which you are entitled to, but you're wrong. See for yourself.

Who needs street crack when you've got God's crack?

For LB

LB,

I am so sorry you feel that I ruined your reputation. I hope these photos will help cheer you up.

LB is WAY too excited about the handcuffs.

It's a pregnancy test!!

Hooray for condoms!

A few too many jello shots later...

For my BP girls

Apologies for my extended absence, dear readers. I have returned. I know it's only 6 am, but in her quest for the gold, SB woke up with her daddy this morning at 5 am to start her Olympic training. Since I couldn't sleep, I figured I might as well give my public what they want.



We had a wonderful time at the beach, although some of us had a little more fun than others. I have seriously considered not blogging about the weekend, but there were too many moments that are just too good to pass up. Also, I know most of you don't remember much of the weekend at all, so here are the highlights; some of the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

For those of you who don't know, I spent the last few days in Florida with 6 other girls at my cousin's bachelorette party. Around 10 pm on Thursday night, we loaded up 5 girls in one vehicle and left from Jackson. We had just enough room for our luggage in the back. We made it to Hattiesburg around midnight, and this is when I realized that the two girls we were picking up there were riding in the same car as us. And they insisted that their luggage go as well. It was a sight to see as LB was hanging over the back seat, holding in the suitcases while we tried to close the back door. I snapped a photo of the event, but unfortunately it was too dark to see.



We didn't make it to the house until 3 am, so of course everyone except SB and me slept until noon on Friday. My roommate, aka "Check Please," drove the whole way, bless her heart, but bless mine for bringing my SBTB mix and singing my little heart out to keep her awake. I also do rap, and wowed the group with my version of Nelly's "Number 1" on the way to HBurg.



We all burned to a crisp on Friday, so no one wanted to go back to the beach Saturday, which was a good thing since it was raining. While Check Please, "Sweatpants by the Swimming Pool" and I went to the mall for some serious shopping, the rest of the girls thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and break open a case of Miller Chills. It was technically, afternoon. When we returned from our shopping excursion, the Miller Chills were gone and so was the sobriety of the rest of our group. So the party was off to a roaring start.



Three hours and seven showers, wardrobe, hair and makeup later, we finally made it to dinner around 9. Since the wait was about an hour, the group decided it would be best to wait outside, at the bar. As you may have guessed from the photo, we didn't attract any attention at all.

We all wore nametags, and even SB had one proudly displayed on my huge stomach until Side Salad #2 lost hers and took SB's. She then promptly lost that one doing some serious moves on the dance floor. I knew things were getting a little out of control when Check Please became very distressed and started screaming, "You lost Sarah Beth!" over and over again at the top of her lungs.

Professional Drinker bought a round of shots (water for me and SB) and the party was back on track. One hour and many drinks later, our table was ready, but our party was not. While most of us ordered dinner, Check Please and Side Salad #2 went back to the deck to hold a table for us at the tiki bar. This decision would come back to haunt them later that night.

I felt like our party was pretty well-behaved inside the restaurant, considering the circumstances. My sentiments were not shared by all of the other restaurant goers. I wish I had a picture of the 115-year-old woman at the table next to us who gave us the evil eye the entire time we were there. I don't think she appreciated the noise level or the way it increased every five minutes when someone raised a toast to Jodi.

After dinner, back at the bar, Check Please and Side Salad came through with a table and had also managed to locate a bachelor party group. While Check Please quickly gave the guys a brief summary of everyone's life story, including their current virginity status, I, being the most sober person at the bar, quickly realized that all of the men in the party were married, except for the bachelor, who wasn't in all honesty very talented.

I felt very sorry for Underage Dancer #2, who was the only single one in our group. The only talent we saw all weekend had been married for 6 months, but this did not stop her from spinning circles around him on the dance floor.

The party came to a halt when Side Salad #2 suddenly retreated from the dance floor and collapsed in the chair next to mine. Thankfully, Sweatpants was pretty sober, and she helped me collect the others and load them up in the car.

CAUTION: If you get sick easily, please skip the rest of this post. This is not for the weak of stomach. However, after what they put me through this weekend, I cannot let them off so easy.

This is where the real fun began. Halfway to the house, we pulled over for Underage Dancer #2 to unleash her demons in a hotel parking lot. While Side Salad #2 was almost unconscious in the front seat, I asked if she needed to get out while we were stopped. She assured me she was fine as she struggled for the door handle. She leaned over and let it go just as the door swung open, then promptly fell out into a huge pile of her side salad.

Poor Sweatpants took a hit of partially-digested side salad, but assured everyone that she had been puked on plenty of times before. She was kind enough to leave out the fact that every other time, it had been by her 4-year-old students.

We finally were able to get the sickos back in the car and race back to the house. Check Please ran to the bathroom, moaning, "I promise I'm not drunk; I just HATE alcohol!" She also made many meaningless promises about how she would never drink again and did NOT want a bachelorette party of her own. I would have stayed to hold her hair back, but SB was cartwheeling on my bladder, so I went in search of an unused toilet.

I went across the hall find Sweatpants coming out of her bathroom, where How Many Shots Did I Have was relieving herself of her tiny dinner. I was pretty sure the other bathrooms were occupied, and for a few minutes, I thought I might have to go in the ocean. Thankfully, the house had 5 bathrooms, and since only 4 girls were sick, that left one for me. It was a long night, but we all survived and made it home safely Sunday night.

Ok seriously, I've been at the computer for over an hour, and I've got to feed SB. Here's a quick ending.

Thanks to Professional Drinker for letting us use your house and for not getting sick on me. Good luck with Mex.

Underage Dancer, I'm very sorry about the lack of talent this weekend. It couldn't be helped. You stayed strong, though. Way to party with the married men.

Thanks to Sweatpants for staying sober with me most of the time. I couldn't have survived this weekend without you, and I doubt most of the other girls would have survived without you.

Side Salad, I really don't know what to say. I thought you were in big trouble Saturday night. I'm so glad you survived. and that you still remember who you are. I also don't know anyone who could fall so gracefully into a pile of their own vom.

Thanks to How Many Shots for laying out in the rain with me. We totally got some great sun. And how about that dead lizard? That was really something. Even though you don't remember talking on the phone Saturday night, I know you still remember who you are.

Poor little Check Please was sick all the way home; I hope you're feeling better now. Let me know you're still alive. I'm sorry you had to leave the bar early on Saturday. I know you weren't ready to go. Blame it on Side Salad.

Potty Training

For Jack's birthday this year, his mother stressed over what to get him. I recommeded a gift card to Lowes, his favorite store. I promised her that he would love it, and she thought that was a great idea. However, she had a change of heart that afternoon and instead got him a cute little pink onesie. Jack was ecstatic. Really, he couldn't love anything more. Unfortunately, it was a tad small for Jack, so we're saving it for the baby. Well, his mom came through again on Father's Day with some baby books for the father-to-be. After flipping through them, I felt compelled to share their contents with you.

One for a girl, and one for a boy, just in case.

The little girl book stressed the importance of making it to the potty BEFORE you start peeing. Molly hates to have a soggy tush, but she was so busy playing with her toys, she almost didn't make it to her potty. As you can see, she was just...in...time.

Ahh, sweet relief.

The little boy in the blue book at first couldn't figure out exactly what the potty was for. After realizing that it was not a hat (yes, he put it on his head), he decided it indeed must be for pooping. Note the level of excitement portrayed on the naked child's face as he points to his poop while the cat looks on with approval.

Anyway, I hope my faithful readership won't be too disappointed that I'm putting the blog on hold for a few days while I'm soaking up the sun on the beach this weekend. I'm leaving tomorrow and won't be back until late Sunday night. I'm planning to be back to blogging on Monday. Await with baited breath.

Sharpening my parenting skills

I've never really worried about my ability to handle children. I've been around kids all my life. Almost every job I ever had in high school and college was in childcare. My oldest brother has 3 kids, and my other brother has 2. I love kids! I was definitely made to be a mom. At least that's what I always thought.


Lately, I've been getting a little worried about my parenting skills. Sarah Beth doesn't seem to be very responsive to my instruction. I've tried everything to get through to her, but nothing seems to work. I understood when she was just a baby fetus, but now she's almost full grown. In 2 months, she'll be out of the womb and on her own. It's time she learned some respect. The doctor tells me that she can hear noises now and can distinguish my voice from others. However, she doesn't listen to ANYTHING I say. I can tell she is going to be a wild child for sure.

The good news is, all of her limbs are fully functional and getting stronger every day. The bad news is, she has recently taken up kickboxing. She's good at it, too. Her morning routine starts around 5-6 am, and lasts until I finally give up and get out of bed. Then she naps. After lunch, when I lie down to try to take a nap, she starts her kickboxing lessons, and those go until I finally give up and get out of bed. Then she naps again. She doesn't have a normal evening routine. Every night, she just waits patiently until I go to bed to begin practicing the moves she learned that day. The only way to get her to stop is to tell Jack that she is kicking and ask if he wants to feel. That usually sends her into a comatose state until he gives up and goes back to what he was doing.

At first, it was so wonderful to feel her moving around in there. Now I just wish I had a way to tranquilize her. I would get so excited when she first started moving; it was such a special bond between the two of us. The I realized what she was really up to. She's just waiting for me to get a little sleepy, then as soon as I lie down, BAM BAM BAM, she's trying to bust her way out. A real cute little game. So I tried being nice first. I gently explained to her that when mommy is trying to sleep, she needs to be real still so I can rest. She responded with a swift kick to my ribs.

Can you believe this kid?? So disrespectful. I provide her with a nice, warm home, feed her every couple of hours, and what do I get in return? Burning acid reflux, leg cramps and to top it all off, she's now made me her own personal punching bag.

Sometimes I worry that she may be a little too young to start spanking, but I certainly don't want to spoil her. You know what they say, spare the rod... When people ask me, would I rather, as a parent, be feared or loved? The answer is easy...both. I want my kids to be afraid of how much they love me.

Me at 11 weeks, still looking

super cute in my regular jeans.

Me at 22 weeks, in my elastic pants and
loose-fitting shirt, very proud of my growth.


















My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump at 31 weeks.
No such thing as a loose-fitting shirt.

Anyway, the long-awaited photos have arrived, as promised. Old friends that I haven't seen in a while have been asking if I'm big yet. For goodness sake, I'm 7 months pregnant. I fit the requirements for a beluga whale; I mean, come on.

Beluga Whale

Size comparison between a regular-sized human and a beluga whale

Is it hot in here or is it just global warming?

I hope my reading public will allow me to diverge from my usual list of topics in order to bring you up to date on the dire situation we are facing regarding global warming.



MSNBC this morning was reporting on the concert heard round the world, aka Live Earth. According to msnbc, these brilliant artists combined aboriginal dancing, imitation chimpanzee cries and a lot of reunited rock bands in order to save the planet from spontaneously combusting. Genius! I'm sure Al Gore was behind this. Thank goodness we got the Internet out of him before he lost his mind.



Thanks to last night's combined efforts of Madonna, who was hoping to "start a revolution" and Shakira, who shook her hips for global warming, our great grandchildren's great grandchildren will not have to worry about the polar ice caps melting and causing another worldwide flood. Kanye West even chipped in with a rousing rap rendition of the Police song, "Message in a Bottle." I'm sure it was riveting. Thank you, Kanye, for saving our descendants.



By performing on a stage made of recycled tires and placing recycling bins around the stage area, these performers slept better last night after doing their part in helping to save the planet. I'm also certain they adhered strictly to Sheryl Crow's flash of brilliance with her world-saving idea of using only one sheet of toilet paper per sitting. It's sure to make a difference.



As someone who goes to the bathroom A LOT, I can safely assure you that one sheet just doesn't get the job done. And I don't cheap out on toilet paper either-it's just not something you want to do to yourself when you're peeing every 30 minutes. I use Cottonelle's Ultra Double Rolls, and I've found that 6 sheets is really most effective.



But I digress.



Now, you tell me what gives a bunch of jet setting celebrities the right to tell me that I need to be more conservative in my energy consumption?? I don't fly around the world in my own private jet or light up a multi-million dollar home every day.



At least Dave Matthews admitted his eco-unfriendly farts were damaging to the environment. But is he going to stop eating mexican food? I think not. He defended himself by fingering cows as culprits as well. "Cows fart and so do I," was the quote he gave to reporters last night. I really want to know who conducts these studies that test the methane levels in cow poots and measures the damaging effects they have on the environment.

Even Spinal Tap reunited to lend a helping hand in the fight against global warming. They also wrote a new song for the occasion, appropriately titled "warmer than hell." You can help them in their fight against hot dirt by visiting ebay and bidding on the opportunity to have dinner with the members of the band in LA at a time and place to be decided at some point by some unknown person in the next year...

While Al Gore is preaching gloom and doom, and the world is coming to an end, his cry is that in the past 100 years, the temperature of the earth has risen slightly less than 1 degree. Am I the only one who finds that incredibly stable??

If so, then you can do your part by turning off your lights and lighting a candle, biking to work and opening a window instead of running your air conditioner. However, my pregnant self will be enjoying the modern conveniences of indoor plumbing, with all the toilet paper I can find, even if it causes the earth's temperature to rise another degree in the next hundred years. My great grandkids can just wear short sleeved shirts.

For Rob

My apologies to my dear brother, Rob, for not mentioning you before now. You wanted your fifteen minutes, buddy, here you go.

The Redwoods on Redbud's Last Chance for Love Auction

Ok Ladies,

We have here a very eligible bachelor up for auction today. His name is Rob Redwood and his game is Scattergories, although he is also very talented at Phase 10 and Trivial Pursuit.

He has a lot to offer some lucky lady out there; as you can see, he is almost as good looking as his brother.Take it easy, ladies, Rob is on the left.

He's a 23-year-old engineer ($$$), who also took 4 years of Spanish. Bring on the Mexicans.

Rob is currently working in New Orleans, but he comes home often to see his favorite brother and sister (jack and me). But don't let the long distance turn you off, ladies; he will be transferring back to Starkville soon after his favorite niece (name still pending) is born in September.

It must be mentioned that Rob is a very talented musician, accomplished on the piano as well as the saxaphone, and he can sing like a bird.

He is also a powerful magician, working for this man:

He's currently taking a few sick days at work in order to attend magic camp, but he will be back to Mississippi at the end of this month to meet the lucky winner of today's auction. (By the way, Rob, we are expecting you July 26; don't let us down.)

Now, you may be asking yourself, how much should I bid? Well, don't let money be an obstacle in your quest for love. This man is worth every penny of $150. But I'm not sure if he' s worth $160.

Baby names

I know that Jack and I have already decided on a name for our little girl. Sarah Elizabeth. However, the more I think about it, the more I worry that it is just too plain. Sarah, plain and tall , for example. It's such a common name, as is Elizabeth, and I don't want our daughter to think we just pulled a name out of thin air and gave it to her. I want her to know we really put some thought into it.

That's where you come in. I've been researching some less common names, and I want something that will really make her stand out among her peers. I'd like to get your opinions on which name you think is best.

First off, Doowder, (pronounced DOO-der), is an interesting selection. It's our last name spelled backwards. I was inspired by Krazy from Flavor of Love, who insisted on being called by her stage name, Nevaeh, heaven spelled backwards. Probably because her voice is so heavenly. You can check out the YouTube video if you don't believe me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjiZqOOAipw

Make sure you check out the :34 mark. It's especially heavenly.


Also, Emack, or Jamily is formed by combining both Jack and Emily. Fitting, don't you think, since this child is a combination of both Jack and me? Jack means, "he who supplants" and Emily means "industrious, striving" so the combination of the two must mean "striving to supplant."

I looked up "supplant" on dictionary.com, and this is what I found:

"to take the place of (another), as through force, scheming, strategy, or the like."


I think I like it. Very conniving. On another positive note, when the teacher calls roll in her class, she will know when her name is called; she won't have to wonder, is there another Emack in this class? Because, odds are, there isn't.

Finally, although I realize this name is already taken, I couldn't help but fall in love with it the moment I read it.


Fakeidranique. I love how it rolls off the tongue. Every time we put her photo in the paper, she will know how much we love her. I'm also a big fan of Fuki and JuneBug, although SeptemberBug might be more appropriate.

Anyway, I welcome your thoughts and opinions. Original ideas are also welcomed. Please help us choose a name for our little girl that will be forever remembered by all who meet her.

Thank you, and good day.

How would YOU be feeling?

I didn't sleep well last night. Maybe it was because it was just a little too hot in our bedroom, or maybe it's because I have a growth the size of a watermelon protruding from my mid-frontal region.


Everyone always asks, how are you feeling? Now how am I supposed to respond to that? If I'm being polite, I'll say "fine." If I'm being honest? Well, let's see.

• I can't sleep at night because there's no easy way to sleep with a watermelon under your shirt.


• If I do get to sleep, I wake up every 2 hours with a violent urge to pee like I haven't peed in a week.


• When I do get up to pee, this usually awakens Sarah Beth, who then proceeds to beat me unmercifully.


• If I can make it more than 2 hours without running for the bathroom, I'll probably be awakened seizing up with leg cramps, like I've just run a marathon, when it was really just across the room to the toilet.


• I have constant heartburn, even from eating stale rice cakes.


• Walking back and forth from the bathroom to the couch 5 times during an episode of Murry physically exhausts me. (Thank God for Tivo; how else would I ever catch a whole episode of anything??)


• And the BH contractions have started. They aren't too painful yet; just imagine squeezing your waist into a pair of jeans that are 2 sizes too small and wearing them for a few minutes, taking them off, then putting them back on again every 10 minutes or so for an hour.


• Also, none of my clothes fit properly. I'm wallowing around like a beached walrus in a flowing muumuu after I found out I gained SEVEN POUNDS in ONE MONTH at the doctor yesterday.
• Also, my back hurts like hell and I have unbearable gas.

Now you tell me, how would you feel?

For Meredith

I was just checking up on my comments, and I couldn't help but notice that Mere was complaining of boredom. If she's so bored, why not start her own blog instead of waiting for me to update mine? I can't be at my computer 24/7, pounding out limericks for her enjoyment. I'm not a circus animal, ok?

I have other little things that I do besides this. Mostly watching television...
Uhoh Jack's home-he doesn't exactly know about my blog yet...definitely doesn't know about the picture I posted of him.

More later

Childbirth Class

Last month we joined 6 other expectant couples at the OCH to learn how to become suitable parents. I was expecting 4 nights of 30-45 minute sessions in which we would learn how to breast/bottle feed, burp, change and generally care for our infants. What we got was 9 hours over 3 nights of endless lecturing and horrifying images (plus a nice collection of Jack's "notes" including a "nip slip" count in which he tallied the total number of times we saw breasts in the breastfeeding slideshow. We didn't make the last session.

I don't remember much of what we covered, except that it was boring as hell. The only thing that kept my attention was the video they showed of this woman giving birth. I don't know if this was the nurses idea of a sick joke, or if they really thought it would be "helpful" to all the women in the room who were already terrified of giving birth, but those horrifying images will be burned into my brain for years to come.

First of all, I don't think the woman in the porno was given any pain medication because she was screaming like a banshee. Also, she was in labor for 24 hours. I know this because the nurse told us, and then she helpfully added that with your first kid, labor can sometimes last longer than 24 hours. So that woman was lucky. When the thing finally came out, it did not look human. I'll spare you the rest of the details. you're welcome.

When we left class that night (3 hours later), I thought I was traumatized. I didn't even want to look at Jack. When we got into the car, he didn't start it; he just sat there for a minute. Then he looked at me and said, "This is going to be so awful."

Now, up until this point, I had not received much sympathy from my devoted husband concerning the pain and suffering I was sure to experience on September 11. Watching that video was terrifying, but at least it brought some reality to Jack. Maybe now I would get some sympathy... here's how the conversation went:


Jack: "I mean, 24 hours?? That's a whole day!"

Me: "I know. It's not going to be fun."

Jack: "No kidding. That's a hell of a long time to be in labor. How awful!"

Me: "I'm going to be so miserable!"

[This is where the reality of my husband's sympathies come in]

Jack: "You?!? I meant how awful for me!"

Me: [speechless, waiting for the punch line]

Jack: "I mean, do I have to be in the hospital the whole time you're in labor?"

Me: [Still speechless, trying not to punch him in the neck]

Jack: "What am I supposed to do the whole time? That's a whole day! I'm going to be bored out of my mind! I guess I could take some playing cards, and we could play in between contractions..."

At this point, Jack begins to realize the red coloring along with the expression on my face indicates that I am beyond pissed. He tried to laugh it off and say he was just kidding and that of course he would be right there the whole time, but his true feelings were made clear in his final casual comment, "but do you think you could get that down to 2 hours?"