How to induce labor

Thank you all so much for all of your helpful suggestions regarding how to handle that awful collection company, who still calls daily looking for Patricia. Thanks especially to Heather for the best suggestion; Jack and I could not stop laughing at that one. I had a lengthy plan devised but haven't been home the last few days when they have called. I will let you know how it goes after I talk to them.

Now I need more help. This baby is no longer welcome in utero. There just isn't any room left for her to do her daily aerobic routine inside my stomach. Plus, I have no idea how she got a knife in there, but she is quite the little ninja.

So I have taken matters into my own hands. I've been researching ways to induce labor naturally. I have been drinking raspberry leaf tea, which is supposed to increase the frequency of contractions, but so far it has only increased the frequency in which I have to run to the bathroom. Someone also suggested eating spicy food, so after leaving the doctor's office yesterday with no change in labor status, I helped myself to a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendys. All that induced was a raging case of heartburn. We took a family walk yesterday, but the only thing that delivered was sore cankles.

I've been going up and down the stairs as frequently as I can manage. Any other tips you have for ejecting this baby would be appreciated. I realize that not all of you have children, but maybe your neighbor's best friend's cousin has a tried and true method you heard about. Feel free to share. But please don't strain your carpal tunnel syndrome suggesting I drink castor oil. I will never be that desperate.