What Child Is This?

So I've been away for a while. What can I say? SB has been keeping me on my toes. I can't succinctly recap the last 6 months, but what I can give you is a small taste of what the last 6 days have been like in our home. First of all, you should know that SB has pretty much always been really really good. But somewhere in the last week, I lost my angel. I'm not sure what happened to cause this change. Read on and see for yourself.

Wednesday: SB and cousins are playing on the swingset at my parents house. Then they decide to help themselves to the inside of my car. I quickly removed them from the car, only to realize they had helpfully locked the doors before leaving...with my keys inside. It was nap time, and did I mention that SB had safely strapped bunny into her carseat just before I pulled her out of the car? So that was a nice afternoon. But it was nothing compared to the storm that was coming.

Thursday: I'm diligently working on the computer, keeping Jack's business in order, and I think about how good and quiet SB has been in her room. Should have been my first clue that she wasn't pulling on my shirt for something to eat or drink or a cartoon...but it wasn't. When I went upstairs to check on her, she immediately ran to her room and closed the door. Not a good sign. When I went in, I saw white. Thick white paste with a strangely familiar scent...desitin. And it was smeared everywhere, including on SB.

Her clothes, toys, furniture, CARPET, everything was covered in a thick, white, scented goo. I was pretty angry. After a small talk and a not so small spanking, she had to throw away her smeared toys and sit in time out while I attempted to clean the carpet. She has had a desitin obsession for a while now, and I thought I had removed all of the temptation from reach. But she somehow managed to find TWO tubes by climbing onto her rocking chair (another big no no) and reaching the top shelf in her room.

Friday: Same scenario, me hard at work while SB was playing quietly upstairs. I didn't wait long to check on her this time, but apparently five minutes was all she needed to remove the peanut butter from the cabinet, hide in her room and empty the container of half of its contents. At least she was kind enough to use a spoon, put it in the sink and return the PB to the cabinet when she had finished her work.

When I walked into her room, the sight was disturbingly familiar, my white nightmare painted brown. I was SO MAD and confused. How could she do this AGAIN? Another talk, spanking and time out while I scrubbed the carpet in a vain attempt to remove the peanut butter. I'm pretty sure some of her pillows are still stained brown.

Me: SB, where did you get the peanut butter???
SB: Bunny gave it to me.
(I ignored the bunny comment)
ME: Why did you do this?
SB: Because I was hungry, and you wouldn't give me anything!

A quick look around showed a plate of crackers and sliced apples on the dining room table and a half-eaten pop tart on the kitchen counter.

Who can reason with a guilty three-year-old??

Saturday: We spent most of the day out of the house, because I was too tired and angry to clean up any more messes and because I was worried what I might do to my child if she misbehaved again. SB played with the little boy next door, we bought and decorated our Christmas tree and went to a friends house for dinner. I was able to relax a little while the kids played after dinner, but when we got ready to leave, I noticed a strange red substance on SB's arms, clothes and face.

After my friend discovered the contents of her purse strewn about her bedroom, we reasoned it must have been lipstick. Another spanking, this time from Daddy. Thank God I was spared from the sole responsibility of punishment this time. Daddy spankings are much more effective than mine, or so I thought.

Sunday: Church, nap, dinner; a pretty uneventful day. Bedtime rolls around, and SB was allowed to fall asleep in our bed, because she is afraid of the dark all of a sudden, and somehow our room is less scary. After getting up 3-4 times to tell me very important things, like how she had decided that she was afraid of Jesus or that she really wanted a poop dog for Christmas (another story in itself), I finally thought she was asleep. I was wrong.

Jack and I were in the living room. My brother and sister were visiting with us. SB was in the hallway. She was timidly calling my name. She knew she shouldn't be out of bed. I got up and went through the kitchen but before I reached the hallway, a strong odor began burning through my nasal cavity. SB looked guilty as hell.

SB's nightgown was covered in something. It was wet but not water, sticky but stinky. I definitely detected the scent of my perfume but there something else as well. Something awful. A full investigation revealed the culprit to be a tube of Jack's muscle rub, Aspercreme to be exact. And it wasn't just on SB's nightgown. It was all over our sheets and Bunny too. Another spanking, since those have been so effective... then she had to go to bed by herself in her room without bunny. That wasn't an easy battle. And my sheets seem permanently oil-stained. I'm still not sure how she reached my perfume, which was on the top shelf of my bookcase, which is shoulder-level to me. I was relieved that she didn't get any in her eyes or mouth! But mostly I was mad.

Monday: It was toothpaste and shaving cream on Monday. I sent SB to potty and put on shoes just before we left to run errands. I heard the toilet flush, and I waited patiently for her to get her shoes. When she came back into the room several minutes later, she was missing her shoes but had gained a beard. A blue beard. Of Jack's shaving cream. Which I can only surmise that she climbed onto the bathroom counter to reach. And while she was up there, she helped herself to Jack's toothpaste as well as her own.

Since I had just bought a new package of toothpaste for her, I was most impressed that she had managed to open the box, twist off the cap and remove the safety seal (which, kudos to her, she had thrown in the trash can) before emptying it in and around the sink.

Wednesday: You may have noticed that I skipped right over Tuesday. Mercifully, I had a doctor's appointment late that morning, so my mother volunteered to keep SB all day so I could have a day off. My mother knows about SB's behavior as of late, and hates for SB to be in trouble, so whatever happened at Grandma's house that day, stayed at Grandma's house. I didn't press for details, because I just didn't have it in me to hear whatever horrible things she had done.

Today went by almost uneventfully until I caught SB standing on a table trying to reach something on top of her dresser. Ugh. Then she had to be taken out of the restaurant where we had dinner for throwing something immediately after I said, "Don't throw that!"

When we got home, I sent her to our bathroom to potty before bed. Knowing I couldn't trust her alone anymore, I went in about 45 seconds after I sent her in there. She was standing over the toilet, toilet brush in hand, and I was just too late to stop her from dumping out the comet. I guess she was trying to make up for all of the messes she had made this week.