Red All Over

It was an accident?

2012-02-18T09:44:00.005-06:00

Last week I had an early morning appointment, so I sent SB downstairs to play while I got ready to leave. She was doing a very good job of playing by herself, and I was so proud. When my mom arrived to watch the girls, I ran downstairs to tell SB goodbye.

In my absence, she had drawn me a beautiful picture. A very large, red picture. So large in fact, that the extra large sized tablet had not been able to contain it. So she expanded the picture to cover most of the carpet. A true masterpiece. In Red.

I stood aghast at the bottom of the stairs, staring in disbelief at the long red (marker) streaks across the floor.

Me: SB!! What happened?
SB: I drew you a picture!
Me: I see the picture. Why is it on the carpet?
SB: It was an accident.

An accident. Really? You be the judge.

Needless to say, SB is grounded from markers for a while. And I spent most of my afternoon with a bottle of carpet cleaner.

Open mouth, insert paint

2012-02-09T14:00:00.004-06:00

I don't have to tell you that kids will eat anything. One of my friends and her husband started calling their middle child "big nasty" after his palate expanded to include toilet bowl cleaners. Poor kid, like he didn't have enough of a complex being the middle child already. Now he has to deal with a nasty moniker while being on a first name basis with poison control.

Looks like we may need to free up a speed dial spot for poison control as well, since Annie has taken to eating paint. I noticed some curious white specks in and around her mouth for a few days before discovering her latest teething ring - the side rails of her crib. Apparently this is a common problem amongst teething babies, although I don't remember experiencing this with SB. We've got the teeth marks to prove it this time.

But now, thanks to Go Mama Go, we've got it covered. At least part of it. I ordered a soft crib rail guard from Amazon (yay prime!!), put it on last night, and it did the trick. It successfully kept Annie from chewing the side of her crib rail. I noticed this morning that she had slobbed all over the rail cover, but no paint in sight! So naturally I was surprised to see more white flecks of paint on her mouth when I rescued her from her crib this afternoon.

I shouldn't have been surprised. She just moved on to another crib rail. Duh. A kid's gotta do what a kid's gotta do. So Go Mama Go just received a full order of crib rail guards from the Redwood family.

(PS Jack I put a few things on the credit card)

UPDATE: works great!!

Breakfast at Emily's

2012-01-24T10:55:00.004-06:00

I realize my last post was about breakfast. Delicious doughnut breakfast. This one is also about breakfast, only slightly less delicious.

Last Saturday, Jack had to work again ("it'll take about 3 hours" which I have learned translates into "I'll be busy all day.") Being the wonderful husband that he is, he still offered to pick up breakfast; Wendy's was on the menu.

If I may pause from my prose a moment, I'd like to tell you about Wendy's breakfast. It is fantastic. If you are not fortunate enough to live in a market that offers it - as some Wendy's restaurants do not - then you should ask to speak to the manager immediately and find out why they hate your town. They offer the traditional biscuits, but they like to call them frescuits. I suppose that is because they make them fresh every day. I don't care what Wendy wants to call them; I call them delishcuits. I'll let you figure out why. And if you're feeling extra froggy, jump into a maple baked frescuit. You'll never look back. But I've gotten way off track.

This is the Wendy's bag that was presented to me a short time later by my brother, who was helping Jack for a half a day. Jack was still outside, moving some equipment around, finding more things he needed to work on (hence the 3 hrs = all day technicality).

Did you know they have natural cut fries now? Still not half as good as the fries at McDonalds.

When I peeked inside the bag, I was certain there had been a mistake. I was not about to put my hand inside to find out. So I tore the bag open instead. This is what was inside:

Two empty burrito wrappers; sausage/egg burrito remnants; a crumpled, dirty napkin; an empty sauce packet and a piece of junk mail that looked as though it had been used to clean a saucy spill. Further inspection slowed clues that my delishcuit was indeed at the bottom of the trash bag, peeking out from behind the saucy junk mail.

This realization left me facing a dilemma of gargantuan proportions. To eat, or not to eat. On one hand, my breakfast was sitting underneath a pile of trash. For most of you, that's an instant no brainer. But for those of us who use our children in lieu of brooms, eating leftovers off of the floor is not only allowed, but encouraged. So it is not a huge leap from eating food off of the floor to eating food from the trash, right?

And let's face it, the trash in question was also delicious Wendy's breakfast, or had been very recently, so it all kind of blended in together nicely in an aromatic kind of way. And I was pretty sure none of it had been on the floor, with the possible exception of the saucy junk mail, and I honestly did not want to think about where that had been.

On the other hand, my delishcuit was still encased in its flavor-protecting wrapper. It hadn't actually touched the saucy smorgasbord of someone else's garbage. And that someone else was my husband, not some random, filthy stranger.

So I ask, what would you have done?

Give me a long filled john and nobody gets hurt

2012-01-18T12:33:00.002-06:00

SB loves doughnuts. What kid doesn't? What adult doesn't, for that matter? I heart doughnuts almost as much as I heart NY; even though I've never actually been there (yet), I'm sure I will heart it. Anyway, Jack takes SB to get doughnuts most Saturday mornings. Last time they came home with a cream filled chocolate covered long john for me. It was unbelievable. I had to share most of it with SB who was certain that it was supposed to be hers. Never mind the bag full of doughnut holes and the sprinkle covered doughnut that she had licked clean. But since Jack had to work this past weekend , she missed her weekly fix.

Last night as I was tucking SB into bed, she apologized to me.

SB: Mom, I'm really sorry.
Me: Why are you sorry?
SB: Remember when you took me to the beach and you wanted to take me to get doughnuts and I didn't want to go?

How could I forget the one time she turned down a chance to get a doughnut? There was never an explanation offered. She just said 'no thanks.' I don't know why SB was suddenly remembering this from 3 months ago, but I just went with it.

Me: Yes, I remember. That's okay though. I wasn't mad.
SB: Well, that really hurt my feelings.
Me: It hurt your feelings that you didn't want to get doughnuts?
SB: Yes. And I'm really sorry.

At this point, she was sniffling like she might cry. I don't know why she was so upset, but she seemed genuinely distraught.

Me: It's okay, Sarah Beth. You don't have to apologize.
SB: Well, *sniff* can we go get doughnuts tomorrow? You and me and Annie?.....But not Annie.
Me: Okay, maybe we can, but Annie will have to go with us.
SB: YAYAYAYAYAYYYYYY!

I forgot that to SB, the words "maybe" or "we'll see" or pretty much anything other than "no" means "yes."

Me: I said MAYBE we can go get doughnuts tomorrow. If we have time.
SB: Okay, Annie can go with us. I want a long filled john and doughnut holes. BOTH. Okay, mom?
Me: I guess we're getting doughnuts tomorrow. I could go for a long filled john too.

Dear cell phone companies

2012-01-11T13:18:00.002-06:00

Dear Motorola,
Why must you make such delicious cell phones? Not to mention the charging cords (YUM!) which are especially interesting and mysterious. I don't understand why my mommy yells such a loud word every time I try to taste one of the chargers. She's been yelling that word a lot lately - every time I get into the trash can or try to eat something out of my diaper.

She never seems to want me to do anything fun. And chewing on your cell phone charging devices is one of my absolute favorite activities. But every time I try to sneak a little sample, Mom gets all hysterical with me. So could you please do me a favor and stop making them in such mouthwatering flavors? Also, mom wants to know if it would kill you to make the cords a little longer so she can actually use her phone while it is charging.

Thanks for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely,
Annie R.

Where are you Christmas?

2012-01-06T09:38:00.013-06:00

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas; we certainly did! We spent lots of time with family, more than usual this year, I think. And I got some great photos of the girls, as you can see.

SB had a grand time playing with all of her cousins. My nephew Jacob, who just turned 13 yesterday (Happy Birthday, Jake!!), is such a sweet guy. He is the second oldest of all his cousins, but he doesn't mind playing punching bag for the little ones. They had a fabulous time punching and jumping on him, wrestling him down to the ground as he feigned defeat. SB either didn't appreciate or just didn't understand that Jacob was just playing along for their amusement. So in the middle of a 5-on-1 wrestling match, she grabbed him by the arm and marched him to the couch. She sat him down and told him he was in jail. When he asked why, she said, "You look like a ballerina out there! Sit down; I'm doing you a favor!!" Where does she come up with this stuff?

Poor Jacob.

Christmas morning was so exciting. Annie woke up grinning as though she knew it was a special day. Every time I took a picture, which was a LOT of times, I would say "cheese" and she would give me the biggest, gummiest grin you've ever seen. It really was so adorable.

Waking up daddy on Christmas morning.

SB got tons of toys plus a stocking full of goodies. Annie got a few small things in her stocking too, which SB was happy to open for her. Among the things in Annie's stocking was a tiny plastic cell phone toy. SB has two REAL cell phones, as Jack and I recently got new ones and gave her our old ones with games, music and movies galore. But when SB pulled out that $3 Wal Mart check- out-line toy from Annie's stocking, she insisted that Santa had made a huge mistake. Surely that worthless toy was meant for her.

Annie was happy to share; all she really cared about was the fruit flavored puffs. So it all worked out in the end.

SB said to me yesterday, "Mom! It's Christmas again!" So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Happy New Year.

Tis the season for matching pajamas.

Lately

2011-12-09T14:58:00.003-06:00

Lately we've been busy:

Watching Annie crawl. She's become quite proficient at moving around and takes every opportunity to try to eat the computer cords or dump out the trash can.

Watching Annie pull up on things. She began crawling on all fours the day before Thanksgiving, and she was standing up in her bed the next Saturday morning. I nearly had a heart attack.

Lowering the crib mattress. Well, watching Uncle Phil lower the crib mattress. Thanks brother!

Cleaning up spit up. It's constant. It's disgusting. Why is Annie all of a sudden a fountain of puke?

Teaching SB that it's not appropriate to play "fetch" with her baby sister. Fetch is for dogs. Still she insists on throwing Annie's toys and yelling, "Go get it!" since I told her not to say "fetch."

Preparing for Christmas!! It's the most wonderful time of the year! SB and Jack got a tree this week, and SB and I decorated it. Due to SB's height, most of the ornaments are clustered around the bottom of the tree, but we think it looks fabulous.

Sweeping the floors. Annie prefers to eat off of the floor, and she can usually be found hiding underneath the table scrounging for leftovers. She seriously ate a clump of mud that I suppose came off of Jack's shoes one day. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I did manage to scrape out some leaf particles and a small rock from her mouth, but most of the mud went right down the hatch. So gross.

Not sleeping. Annie had her first DTaP this week, and she has been a stage three clinger ever since. I can't put that kid down for a minute or else she wails in distress (until she spots some mud / food particles nearby). She has cried right through nap time every day since her shot, and she has started waking up at night as well. Hopefully this stage will pass soon!!

Showing off Annie's new tricks. Last week she learned how to wave bye bye and started clapping when you say "yay". Now if I could just get her to say "mama." But who has the time?

Wii for sale - brand new in box!

2011-12-03T20:26:00.003-06:00

I know I posted this before, but I still have it. And you can buy it, just in time for Christmas! I bought a Wii for Jack for his birthday in May, but we decided to return it and get something else instead. Unfortunately, I waited too long to return it, and the 15 day return window had expired. So it is still sitting on our living room floor in the box, collecting dust and making me irritated that I wasted $200.

It's the black console that comes with one controller and I think one nunchuk. I also bought an additional controller and nunchuk. It's all unopened, still in original packaging. Perfect for a Christmas gift. I'd like to sell the whole lot together for $150. That's the console, 2 controllers, 2 nunchuks, and I think it comes with wii sports or something in the package with the console. If you're interested, I can open the box to see for sure.

Don't you want to buy a wii? Leave me a comment if you're interested.

I've made a huge mistake

2011-11-30T21:58:00.008-06:00

Every problem has a solution. Right, math majors? Maybe not. Basic trigonometry was enough to confuse me. Anyway, Jack and I have been having a small problem because our laptop is upstairs while our desktop and printer are downstairs. The laptop is all we really use these days, so anytime we wanted to print something we had to run downstairs to do it. Some of you may call that laziness, but we prefer to call it non feng shui-ness.

All of the running up and down the stairs was throwing off my positive energy and making me tired. Not to mention the fact that in order to print anything, we would first have to send the desired document from the laptop to the desktop. Sometimes the desktop (which is very old and can be a little cranky) did not like the format of the document that the laptop sent, so I would have to trek back upstairs and reformat the document and send again, then do the stairs again. Enough is enough, right?

Well, Christmas came early at Redwood Roofing this year. Santa brought us a new printer. But not just a printer. It's a fancy shmancy, bells and whistles, multifunction printer that faxes, scans and copies as well. Best of all, it's wireless. Which means that I can hit print on the laptop no matter where I am and our printer will get the job done. No more transferring files to the dinosaur downstairs.

I was sold on a printer as soon as I found out that we could download a (free) app that would allow us to print stuff from our phones! Thanks to Sullivans Office Supply for the best bang for our buck. And to one handsome pen salesman who sealed the deal, we'll just call him Mr. PP. He even offered to come help us set it up after hours at that! What service! (Visit them here. Or you can reach them at 662-323-5222. For all your office needs, from furniture to office equipment / supplies and more pens that your hands could desire! Ask for Philip and tell him Mrs. Featherbottom sent you.)

But no help necessary. We declined his kind offer because I'm smart enough to handle these kinds of things. And it is just a printer after all. Tonight seemed the perfect night, since Annie was tucked safely in bed, and Jack fell asleep with SB at 7:30. I was left to myself, and myself decided to set up our new printer. The instruction booklet was very detailed. Step One was "remove product from the box". I felt confident that I could complete the installation. And I did. Then I decided to go ahead and set up the wireless connection, which was only logical since that was the reason we had purchased this thing in the first place.

The instruction manual warned me that I would need our network name and password. I was pretty sure I knew that information. Then it warned me again that I would need the name, password and WEP key. In the event that we had multiple WEP keys, the printer company only needed the first WEP key.

Come again? WEP key? Is that some kind of code used by computer programmers to make normal people feel like idiots? If so, it worked. I turned to my best friend Google, who never makes me feel stupid when I have a question. It turns out there are some basic hacking skills you can learn and use to retrieve your WEP key. After a few online tutorials and several failed attempts, I managed to log in as an administrator to our wireless service's online system and retrieve a default WEP key, which, ironically, was "WEP key 1". Ugh.

Anyway, armed with my necessary information, I started the wireless set up process. It prompted me for my network name and password. I was ready with my WEP key. It never asked for it. WHAT????? I was pretty upset. Most of my evening has been spent honing my (nonexistent) hacking skills in order to retrieve some useless information that I didn't even need. What a waste. BUT at least the set up process seemed to be finished. I was ready for a test run.

I opened up Microsoft Word and the first document was "Jack's Messages." Perfect. I would print his message list and tape it to the front door. That way he would have his to-do list ready when he left in the morning, and I could make a note on there that I had printed it from our brand new printer that I had installed while he was sleeping. And please don't wake me up since I was up all night working on it.

I hit "print."

Then the realization suddenly set in.

It might have worked perfectly. I couldn't tell. There was no way of knowing.... Not without going back down the stairs.

All that time, all that money, all that EFFORT put into buying and installing a new printer with wireless capabilities so that I wouldn't have to run up and down the stairs anymore...and I had set it up downstairs.

So I went back down the stairs. There it was, shimmering like a most precious jade, Jack's message list, sitting primly on the output tray. It worked.

Now I just have to move it upstairs.

#what a waste

Annie Bananie

2011-11-21T10:17:00.005-06:00

Little Annie is growing like a weed. I cannot believe how fast the time goes. She's 8.5 months old and scooting around like a pro. Thankfully, she doesn't have any teeth yet, but that hasn't stopped her from eating everything she can get her hands on.

Like broccoli

and crackers. I'm running the vacuum every other day, but she can usually find something on the floor that her sister has (intentionally or not) left for her to taste.

Annie is still a sweet, happy little girl. Unfortunately, if I am in the room, she wants me to hold her, but I'm just trying to enjoy being needed because I know it won't last forever. She is learning how to exercise her vocal cords and loves to do so at every opportunity. We are working on waving bye bye, but she isn't ready yet to do that on command.

She is completely enthralled by the computer cords in the living room, so we are also working on saying "no" and redirecting to a safer chew toy, like Jack's work shoes.

While most kids are watching The Wiggles...

2011-11-14T10:01:00.004-06:00

SB is enthralled by Pink Floyd. Our four-year-old has a much more refined musical palate than most children her age. Her favorites include Adele, Michael Jackson, Tom Petty and The Beatles. She also cares for Pink Floyd a great deal.

Last night Jack was watching a David Gilmour (lead guitar and vocalist for Pink Floyd) concert, and he played a few songs from SB's favorite album, Dark Side of the Moon. She calls it the Dorothy album. When it was bedtime, SB instructed her father to be sure and NOT delete the Dorothy concert so she could watch it later. She didn't forget about it and all morning has been bugging me to "watch Dorothy." She even cleaned up her room AND the living room without whining in order to watch it. She is currently entranced in front of the television while singing, "Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day..."

I couldn't even get her to smile for a picture. She is definitely her father's child.

SB Fancies Herself a Gymnast

2011-10-27T13:14:00.002-05:00

Instructions for a Babysitter

2011-10-24T15:29:00.003-05:00

SB asked me to babysit her kids last week. Under her instruction, I arrived at her room at "8/7 central" and knocked on the door. After I identified myself, she let me in and showed me to her bed, where all of her kids and dogs were resting. She then proceeded to give me detailed instructions for her children before finally leaving the room.

I kicked myself for not recording the conversation, but she gave me another opportunity 30 seconds later when she came back because she forgot to tell me that I shouldn't let her kids or Hopscotch go outside but that her other dog could go out because, "I'm not nervous about her." I discreetly set my phone on my lap and turned on the video function while she continued with her instructions for another 5 minutes. Here's what I got.

Gulf Shores

2011-10-12T09:09:00.010-05:00

I took the girls to Gulf Shores last week with my mom and two of her friends. We had a great time, and we got some really good pictures. Here are some of my favorites from the week. Thank you Mrs. Bonnie for hosting us and for getting all these great pictures!!

She's mobile

2011-10-12T08:59:00.003-05:00

Annie started crawling last night. It wasn't a perfected, up on all fours routine, but she saw me, wanted me and got to me. I got her to repeat the performance this morning, so I guess it is official. Time to babyproof.

What's that? You want to see? Okay, I will video it when she gets up from her nap.

I can't fix this

2011-10-08T09:04:00.003-05:00

To the faithful few who still read this blog, there's no need to read this post. It's not about anything funny that my kids did or said. And there are no new photos to show how cute they are. When I'm stressed, this outlet has always made me feel better, and today I am stressed. So here we go.

I've always been a "fixer." Kind of like Devo, when a problem comes along, I must whip it. My mind starts racing, how can I make this situation better? If I really think about it, I can usually come up with a solution. Now I'm (sort of) in a situation that I desperately want to fix. And I can't.

I'm watching my loved ones suffer and stress and get angry at a situation they cannot control. I knew if I could come up with the right words, I could straighten it out. At least temporarily. So I tossed a few scenarios around and finally came up with just the right words to say. I tossed out all the angry / accusatory things I wanted to use and tried to look at the situation from a loving perspective. How should this situation be handled from a Godly standpoint? Again, I had to eliminate more things that could be misconstrued as manipulation or accusatory. I finally honed in on an appropriate approach and put my plan into action.

I simply went to the source and offered to help. Here I am, ready and willing. Use me. And the door that I had politely swung open was politely slammed in my face. And it stung. It hurt my feelings a little bit, but mostly it just made me even more sad for the people that I was trying to help. They were the ones who were really suffering.

I've been pacing my living room, thinking this thing over and over and around and through and have finally determined that there is nothing I can do. I can't help in this situation. And that is very difficult for me to accept. Especially when I have to watch the people I love most bending over backwards to do the right thing, and they still come up with the short end of the stick. It just isn't fair. I know, life is not fair. But I'm still mad. I'm trying not to be angry, and just writing it all down has made me feel so much better. Mostly I just feel sorry for everyone involved. And sorry that I can't fix it. So I guess I'll just keep praying because it seems that is all I can do.

Not to belittle the power of prayer, because I remember a short time ago feeling helpless in a very different situation. I was stuck here in the final stages of my pregnancy while my sister was in a fight for her life thousands of miles away. I couldn't go, I couldn't help; all I could do was pray. And that's all that anyone could do, really. And God answered those prayers in a loud, swift manner.

So Lord, help me not to grow weary in prayer.

Now, there's packit!

2011-09-29T08:24:00.003-05:00

Oh, the wonders of advertising. And the memory of a 4 year old. Last weekend, I was in the car with the girls when SB suddenly remembered something very important she needed to tell me.

SB: "Mom, we need to get a packet."
Me: "A packet of what?"
SB: "You know, 'Now, there's packet.'"
Me: "What are you talking about? What is a packet?"
SB: "You can pack things you never could before. That old food will spoil in two minutes, but you put it in a packet, it's good to go the next day! It's perfect for school lunches."

It suddenly dawned on me that my daughter was quoting an infomercial. I had neither seen nor heard of this product before, but I knew. And if I wasn't positive before, SB had the final zinger to put any uncertainties to rest:

SB: "And mom, you don't get just one. You get TWO. So we have to call today."

I tried not to let SB know how hard I was laughing. I really wanted her to repeat the performance for Jack later. So a day or two later, we were sitting at the table and I asked SB to tell Jack about packit. She jumped into performance mode, out of her seat and with a flourish of her hand she said,

"NOW, there's PACKIT! You can pack things you never could before! For TEN HOURS. Order packit now."

She really wanted one, especially since they were perfect for school lunches. The fact that she does not go to school remained undaunting, as her heart was set on one. Not just one, but TWO!

A little later, SB was watching a cartoon. Suddenly, she came blazing into the room where Jack and I were sitting. As luck would have it, the infomercial was on at that very moment. And she had paused it so that I could see.

Congratulations

2011-09-17T08:52:00.002-05:00

to Claire! The winner of the mystery prize giveaway. Thanks to all the contestants for your brilliant entries. I know you thought I forgot about it, and maybe it wasn't at the top of my priority list. The prize has been mailed, and judging from the text message I got on Thursday, it has also been received. Since I forgot to photograph it before I sent it, I'm waiting on you to send photo/video evidence, Claire. Even just a snapshot from your phone will suffice.

I hope you get lots of good use out of it.

Anybody want a Wii??

2011-09-13T13:17:00.003-05:00

Wii for sale! Brand new still in the box. Bought it at Wal Mart, decided we didn't want it, and they only give you 15 days to return game systems. I was too late to return it! It's a black system with one controller, one nunchuk, and I think it comes with wii sports or something like that. I haven't even opened the box, but I will check to be sure. I also bought an additional controller and nunchuk.

I really want to get rid of this thing, as it has been sitting in our living room collecting dust for a while now. Paid $150 for the wii, and $30-$40 for the additional controllers I think. With tax and all, it was about $200 I guess for the whole shebang. Make me an offer. Please. I will ship for free or bring it to your doorstep if you're local.

To my daughter on her 4th birthday

2011-09-07T14:46:00.006-05:00

My, how time flies. I cannot believe my little Sarah Beth is 4 years old! She seems so grown up; she is brilliant, beautiful and sweet. Yesterday was the actual day, but with all the birthday celebrating, I didn't get to blog about it. This one's for you, SB.

For your birthday, I have some wishes for you:

I hope you'll always keep your own sense of style. Even though I made you change your outfit for church last Sunday, I loved that you were so confident in your white dress with black stockings and tennis shoes.

I hope you'll never get too big for cuddle time.

I hope you'll always love your baby sister as much as you do right now. Even though she's kind of scared of you most days, I think she'll get used to your energy when she gets a little older.

I'm sorry I threw your fish away at Smith Lake. You spent the whole afternoon looking at him and making a nice home for him in his glass with flowers, sticks and dirt. You were so sad the next day when you found out that he was gone. You puckered your lips and said, "but I was gonna take care of that little guy." I hope you'll always love animals and be kind to them.

I hope you'll always keep the confidence you have in yourself and in the decisions you are allowed to make. We told you that we could go anywhere for your birthday dinner, and you chose McDonalds. We assured you that there were many other wonderful choices out there for dinner, and we all but begged you to choose something "better." But you knew what you wanted, and you stuck to your guns. Chicken nuggets, french fries, sprite and ice cream. But mostly you wanted to play on that disgusting playground. After watching you dance around the room and wreak havoc on that big plastic playplace with that smile on your face, I was so glad we didn't change your mind.

I hope you'll grow up never doubting how much your daddy and I love you. I can't wait for the day that you come to the full knowledge of Jesus, and I hope I get to be the one to pray with you when you're ready to take that step. The world is a much better and brighter place because you are in it. Keep your joy full, keep your smile wide. I love you.

I feel like I'm taking CRAZY pills

2011-09-02T12:19:00.003-05:00

The office phone is ringing off the hook. A customer called to ask us to call his insurance company. His local insurance agent called to ask us to call their corporate office. Their corporate office wants me to please hold. My wait time will be at least 20 minutes. My call is very important to them. I hang up.

The local agent calls back and asks if I have called corporate yet and would I please keep calling the corporate office. Also, could we please do some temporary repairs to a roof real quick over the holiday weekend? No big deal.

Another customer called at 10:36 while I was on the other line. She called back at 10:37 and 10:38. Wouldn't it just be easier to leave a message? Lucky for her, since she calls all the time, I know her number. I'm just not anxious to return that call, since I know she is going to ask me the same thing she asks me every time she calls, (when am I coming by to bring her some pictures of her roof?) but our dates haven't changed, and I'm going to keep up my end of the bargain...unless she keeps calling and drives me to the nut house.

Another customer calls. For the second time today. I'd like to check our phone records to be sure, but I'm certain this one has called at least 40-50 times in the month of August. I answered those calls, and both times the "concerns" had nothing to do with their roof.

I realize that part of this job is dealing with difficult people, but sometimes it all comes together overwhelmingly on one glorious day, and today happened to be that day. As we are recovering from the stomach bug. And as one child who missed her morning nap is screaming through her second nap, the other child is pestering the bejeezus out of me every five minutes to put on a cartoon, despite my repeated warnings to STOP ASKING. And then Jack called to say that he wouldn't be able to keep the girls this afternoon so I could get out of the house for a little while. Because he feels like he is going to throw up.

If you're a doctor and you are reading this, I think I need to be medicated in order to survive the weekend. And if the baby whisperer is reading this, Philip, Annie needs some of your magic. If you're my mom and you're reading this, I'm sorry I can't take you to lunch and the nail salon for your birthday. If you're one of my children reading this, please go put yourself to bed and stay there quietly...and holy crap when did you learn how to read? If you're my husband and you're reading this, PLEASE don't throw up. I just don't think I could handle it. Also, somebody's roof needs to be repaired.

Because they just come to me in the middle of the night

2011-08-30T15:36:00.003-05:00

Here's another haiku:

Loud baby screaming
Awake in the dead of night
I need some earplugs

EDITED to add:

SB had a rough bout with a stomach virus last night; I've been praying that I feel so awful because I was up with her every 15 minutes during the night and not because I'm getting it too. I prayed first that Annie wouldn't get it, then that Jack wouldn't get it, then that I wouldn't get it. I just checked on Annie in her swing to see her covered in something.

Please don't be throw up
Did someone spill curdled milk?
I need a nanny

Be sure that your sins will find you out

2011-08-29T22:20:00.002-05:00

SB learned a valuable lesson today. Is still learning, I should say. I'm blogging from her bedroom, seated on the floor next to her bed on puke patrol. If you are weak of stomach, you may not want to read all of this story.

Earlier today, SB got a bag of dried mixed fruit (cranberries, raspberries, etc) and asked me if she could have some while opening the bag. I told her to wait and that I would get some for her soon. She started to whine and beg; again I told her to just wait a few minutes until I was done feeding Annie, then she could have some. I looked up a minute later to see her with a handful of dried fruit poised above her open mouth.

I was enraged. I yelled "NO!" and she dropped the fruit that had been halfway in her mouth back into the bag. GROSS. I tried to spank her while I was nursing, but that didn't go to well. So I sent her to her room and told her that Daddy would spank her when he got home.

He did, and even though he only popped her once, he connected with a force. I could tell it was an effective punishment. After they hugged it out and discussed once more why she had gotten a spanking, I made it clear that she wasn't allowed to have any of those berries. Later on in the afternoon, SB told me that her tummy was hurting. We cuddled on the couch with bunny until SB got up and wandered out of the room.

This is where you change the channel if you don't like puke stories.

We heard a SPLAT coming from the kitchen, and sure enough, her tummy had been hurting. The contents of her stomach were now splayed across the kitchen floor, and from the looks of it, SB had ingested quite a bit of berries shortly before throwing up. When confronted, SB insisted that she hadn't eaten any, although the proof was in the pudding, if you will. We didn't force the issue, because in my opinion, throwing up is punishment enough.

After about 2 hours of throwing up, SB commented, "I guess I shouldn't have eaten those berries after all." It's nearly 11 pm now, and she is still heaving about every 10-20 minutes, even though there's nothing left inside. My poor little girl has certainly suffered enough for the berry betrayal. I hope we are done for the night so she can get some sleep and some much needed fluids!

To the person who owns the dog that poops in my yard every day

2011-08-26T22:47:00.002-05:00

HAIKU:

Poop is on my shoe
Why didn't you clean it up
Karma's a bizzle

Claire is currently the only contender for the mystery prize. An excellent entry; however, KC slander will not garner any points on this blog. I'll allow 2 more days for any takers.

And if you really can't handle the who I want to meet, just give me the superpower part.

Mystery blog giveaway

2011-08-26T21:34:00.001-05:00

I saw something today. I saw it, and I knew I had to buy it. I had no idea at the time who would be the lucky recipient of such an item, but it didn't matter. It had to come home with me. I've been pondering 2 things ever since:
1. which of my friends would enjoy this the most? And
2. why didn't I buy more of these?

I didn't buy more because I wasn't at dollar tree, and let's face it, times is tough. The first question, however, remains unanswered. That's where you come in.

To enter for a chance to win the mystery item, leave a comment telling me one person you wish you could meet, what you would ask them and why. Feel free to elaborate beyond these parameters. Before you start rolling your eyes at how lame that is, hear me out. This is not your typical wanna meet Sanjaya and ask him who inspires him.

Let's set a few ground rules. No obvious answers; creativity is 75% of your grade. We all wish we could meet Jesus and ask Him for a superpower. Mine would be the power to shoot lightning bolts out of my fingers. Because that would be awesome. Don't tick me off; I'll shoot you with my lightning bolts.

And we would all like to meet the President and ask him to please try not to look so arrogant all the time. Seriously. Wipe that smirk off your face. It's annoying. America resents you.

I think now that I might also like to know what your superpower would be if you could have one. So feel free to throw that in there at the end. Not mandatory.

So get creative out there. This thing ends whenever I say it does.

To be fair, I will submit the first entry as an example. And just so you know, while a famous person is an acceptable submission, you don't necessarily have to go that route. Case in point:

I would like to meet the person who owns the dog who keeps leaving giant piles of nasty on my front lawn. I would ask them why they thought it was ok to let their disgusting animal leave a giant pile of nasty right where my 3 year old daughter and I walk every day. I would ask them if they knew how many times either she or I had stepped in the nasty and soiled a pair of shoes. Then I would hand them a bill for the following services:

Shoe cleaning
Poopy scooping
Carpet cleaning from where SB stepped in the nasty and then climbed into the car or went inside the house
Pain and suffering.

Then I would tell them that until they paid, I would be using their lawn/sidewalk to recycle the contents of Annie's diapers. If they couldn't come up with the money, I would give them the option to stand beside the highway all day wearing a sandwich board that said,

"I let my dog poop in other people's yards and don't bother to clean it up. Please throw rotten eggs at me so I smell like my victims smelled when they stepped in my dog's nasty. I deserve worse. Also, please don't text and drive."

Take the money and run

2011-08-24T11:08:00.003-05:00

Today I asked SB to please clean her room. She said no thanks. I had work to do, and I hadn't really intended for the request to be optional. So I rephrased. "SB, you will clean your room today."

She disappeared into her room for a while, and I could hear her cd player blaring Tom Petty over the sounds of Annie not napping in her crib. A lovely soundtrack by which to work.

SB came in a few minutes later, excitedly proclaiming, "Mom, look! I found Wallflowers!" (Tom Petty's second album and one of SB's faves) I hadn't known it was lost, but I told her how happy I was that she had found it.

Me: "Wow, that's great! Did you find that while you were cleaning your room?"
SB: "Well, I don't really want to clean my room. Can we play baby instead?"
Me: "I have to finish this work for Daddy, and we aren't playing anything until your room is clean."
SB: "I can't clean it right now." She flopped down into her chair. "My back is really hurting and I can't bend over.

I rolled my eyes and sent her back to her room.

She went back to her room, but the wheels were already spinning, and I knew it wouldn't be long before she was back with another excuse. I was right. This time she was in a princess dress with a tutu on top. She was carrying a balloon and a dollar bill.

SB: "Here, Mom. I got you a present!" She thrust the bill in between my face and the computer screen, waving it frantically. "Just take the money, Mom. Please, just take it."

I grabbed it and said thank you very much, but have you cleaned your room yet?

SB: "Mom, I have a surprise for you. You want it??"
Me: "Is it a balloon?"
SB: "I'll give you the surprise, but then I don't have to clean my room. Does that sound like a plan?"
Me: "No thanks. You still have to clean your room."
SB: "Are you suuuuure you don't want the surprise? It's a really good one."

Who taught this kid how to negotiate anyway? Just yesterday she was trying to convince her friend to play with another toy so SB wouldn't have to share the one she was playing with. I overheard her saying, "Nita, isn't that a great dollhouse over there? I bet you would just LOVE to play with it." When Nita continued to quietly share the dollhouse that SB was playing with, SB decided no more Mr. Nice Guy. "Nita, here's the thing... I don't want to share with you, so..... can you please play over there?"

SB has been in and out of her room, which is still not clean yet. In fact, she has managed to disorganize the living room that I just straightened. Blankets, crayons, coloring books strewn about... I can hear her keyboard blasting a beat in her room. No doubt she is practicing her pirouettes back there. But I do also hear loud thumping noises - an indication that she is throwing her toys across the room into her toy box. And an indicator as to why Annie is still screaming back there instead of sleeping.

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times

2011-08-20T09:46:00.002-05:00

Don't you just love your birthday? I know I do. I recently had one; thanks for remembering. It's always the very best day of the year. Promptly followed by the worst day of the year, when nobody cares that you're one year older. One day, everything is great, the day is all about you and what you want. Attention, presents, phone calls and texts. What's not to love, right?

But the next day, the party is over, you go back to being just like everyone else, and everybody forgets how great they thought you were just hours earlier. That's why I do not like to go to sleep on my birthday. Because I know when I wake up, the magic is gone.

I like to make the most of the day. Since Jack was working, I slept in until Annie woke me. She insisted on being fed first. So selfish, I know. I skipped my morning meeting with the elliptical machine because everyone knows that birthday calories don't count.

Later, the girls and I had lunch with my parents and enjoyed a long skyped conversation with Meredith and Madeleine. I kept trying to get little M to say my name, but all she would say was "pampers." Her new favorite word. I wasn't too offended. I knew she really meant "happy birthday Aunt Emily."

Jack came home with an impressive bouquet of flowers and poured me a birthday sized glass of cabernet. He somehow knew just what I wanted.

We had dinner with Jack's grandparents and uncle. Jack's grandfather was celebrating his 80th birthday the same day, but he was kind enough to share some of his octogenarian birthday glory with me. And Jack's grandmother even got my favorite kind of cake. Caramel. It was delightful.

When we got home, we still had 2 hours of birthday left, and I was determined not to let the day end until I passed out from birthday exhaustion. (exhaustion / wine, toMAto / toMAHto)

Jack was putting SB to bed while I got Annie down. Annie turned out to be slightly more difficult, but that's another post in itself. After I had freed myself from Annie's grasp, I decided that Jack and I would round out the day with Mad Men, one of our new favorite shows. Then I found poor Jack asleep next to SB. In a selfless act of birthday kindness, I let a sleeping Jack lie.

I didn't even pout the next day, as Jack is well aware of my post birthday depression syndrome. But he was well prepared, and when I woke up, he announced that this year, the day after my birthday would also be my birthday.

What a wonderful idea! I celebrated with a piece of caramel cake for breakfast. By the way, my weight loss plan has been going great. A few days ago, I noticed that I was down to my pre pregnancy weight. I'm pretty sure that during my 48 hour birthday, I regained most of what I lost. Someone needs to remind my scale about birthday calories.

We celebrated again that night by having dinner with friends and more caramel cake. The perfect end to a perfect birthday(s).

I have a sitter coming today to keep the girls while I go to a baby shower.To combat the post birthday depression, I'm seriously contemplating dropping off a present, grabbing a latte from Starbucks and enjoying it while having a mani/pedi.

Don't laugh. PBDS is a very serious condition. I'm in a fragile state and must take care of myself today. I wonder how long my babysitter can stay. Maybe even a little shopping would be good for me. And of course, some caramel cake.

SB, Why is Annie Crying?

2011-07-29T13:59:00.002-05:00

My dear, sweet three-year-old was holding her sister this morning. They were both very happy until I turned around to reach for my camera. In the split second that my back was turned, Annie began to cry. After holding her for a minute, she was all smiles again. SB was anxiously awaiting another turn, so I plopped Annie back down into SB's lap. Again, I turned to pick up my camera from the table beside us, and again, Annie began to cry. Very suspicious. So I asked SB why Annie was crying. Did you pinch her?

"No," SB sighed, "Maybe she just has a little attitude."

"Are you sure you didn't pinch her or maybe accidentally pull on her arm?"

"Mom. Have I ever steered you wrong?"

Also, I know I've posted SB's prayers before, but last night had me giggling again. Jack and I were trying to put SB to bed, but he and I were also discussing something when SB loudly interrupted:

DEAR GOD! Thank you for my mommy, who feeds Annie. Thank you for my daddy, who tickles. Thank you for me, who laughs. Aaaaaaand thank you for fans, dressers, cups and straws, trash cans, hair and eyeballs. Amen.

Hi Mary Beth! Read in Reverse. Updates posted at top

2011-06-30T13:04:00.010-05:00

Never mind I figured it out. Although the phonetic plural pronunciation is more like CHAY koze. But what do I know. So I see they are just sandals. Not very cute either. And holy moley at the price tag on those suckers!!! CJ, where are you getting that kind of money to blow on ugly sandals?? Can I borrow some money?

OMG! I just google searched "chock ohs" and the top google result was my blog! This is so exciting. I'm going to be famous....hey CJ, how do you spell chock ohs?

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Mary Beth, but she called herself CJ (side note: MB used to go up to strangers and tell them her name was CJ, but that was ages ago, like 3 years at least). So CJ was at a restaurant with her friends one night when suddenly a guy walked in the door. Something about this guy caught her attention right away. Maybe it was his cute smile, maybe there was just an aura about him....or maybe it was the fact that he was dressed in the same outfit as her. I'm guessing it was the latter. They were both wearing a blue polo shirt, khacki shorts and something called Chock-ohs (shoes, I'm told). So she commented on his "cute outfit," and they traded phone numbers to coordinate a shopping trip later. One year later, they are totally in love but each keep a separate wardrobe. The moral of the story is, sometimes it pays to crossdress.
Also, what are chock ohs? forgive me, I'm just a stay at home mom who rarely gets out of her pajamas, so today's fashion escapes me. You crazy kids with your crazy keds...I mean chock ohs.

Ok I have to go put my kids down for a nap. But don't worry I'll be back with something to tell you about Mary Beth. wait with baited breath.....

EDIT/DELETE/REORDER.....got it? It's all just so complicated. Maybe she will explain it again?

Oh Maria, I'm so happy to be of service to you. If you're really bored, you should ask Mary Beth why her email address is elbowpopper.

doooo da doooo! how much do we all love software programs????
let's sing a song about it.
dooo da doooo!
Hi mary beth's friends! Glad I could entertain you for a little while.

No Rest for the Weary

2011-06-28T16:16:00.002-05:00

We've been going full steam ahead lately, and a full nights sleep has been hard to catch. Splitting time between SB and Annie, it seems night time is the only time I have to catch up on housework. After preparing and serving dinner (don't think I'm cooking every night because I'm not. But we have to eat something, even if it's just a sandwich), I bathe SB, feed Annie, put Annie to bed, then put SB to bed. Then it's time to clean the kitchen, wipe down the dining room table and sweep up half of SB's dinner. It's usually about this time that I remember that load of laundry that I put in the washing machine early that morning but never moved into the dryer, so I run downstairs to do that. When I get downstairs, I realize that I also forgot to feed the dogs, so I do that and hopefully remember the laundry when I come back inside.

When she hears me coming up the stairs, SB calls out because she suddenly has to potty real bad and then needs me to tuck her back in because she is afwaid of the dahk, even though the lamp and the nightlights are on in her room and the light is on in the hallway, and it's brighter at midnight in her room than it is outside at high noon. It seems to make her feel better that Hopscotch is in her room with her, so she usually ends up talking to her for the next 2 hours or so. We usually have to deal with her again at some point because when she gets lonely, her ear/leg/pinkie/ SOMETHING is hurting and she needs a bandaid. And she's thirsty. So, so, SO thirsty. "And mommy, we didn't brush my teeth." It's ok. We will do it tomorrow. "But my teeth will be dirty and they will fall out!"

Anyway, you get the idea. Besides dealing with the usual, we've been busy planning a party for some friends who are moving. It was this weekend, and we had company in town for that. We stayed up late visiting every night, which was AWESOME. I loved getting to catch up with our dear friends, but the late nights and party planning stress have caught up with me. Jack offered to forgo our Sunday afternoon nap to listen for Annie so I could rest. Of course, as soon as I began to drift off, Annie woke up and was ready to eat. Yesterday was spent running errands all over Columbus, including a trip to the ped office to find out that SB has impetigo. So we're dealing with that and trying desperately to keep her off of Annie for a few days. Today I realized after finally getting Annie to sleep (after an hour of pacifier patrol) that I was about to collapse. So I stretched out on the couch at 3:30 and decided to take a nap. All was quiet as both girls and Jack were napping. Until I decided to join them.

About 3:32, I hear someone in the hall bathroom. I pray it is Jack. It is SB. She comes into the living room and whispers, "mom." I don't move or open my eyes. Maybe she will go away. Instead she inches closer and in a slightly louder tone, "Mom." Still nothing from me. Be a good little girl and play quietly in your room as mommy is obviously trying to rest. No such luck. She is now inches from my face and whispering as loudly as she can, "MOM." I crack an eyelid. She jumps at her opportunity,

"Mom can I have a cartoon?"
"No."
"but mommmmmm-"
"I'm trying to sleep."
"What about a cartoon downstairs?"
"If there is a cartoon on downstairs, you can watch it. Otherwise play quietly down there or in your room."

I know full well there is no cartoon on downstairs because I was watching The Bachelorette down there earlier while using the elliptical machine as Annie cried her head off in her crib...gimme a break I didn't know she was crying until I came back upstairs. But I digress.

SB runs out of the room and pounds down the stairs. A minute later, she is racing back up the stairs and into the bathroom. I pray she makes it on time, as we have been having trouble in that department lately. I was in no mood to clean pee off of the floor at this moment. I hear the sounds of success followed by, "Hey! Where's the toilet paper?? MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!"

I jump up and run into the bathroom before
A. She decides to forgo the toilet paper and/or
B. She continues to yell and wakes up Annie

I decide to make another attempt at napping, but it only lasts about 3o seconds, or however long it takes SB to flush and sanitize her hands.

"Mom, I'm hungry."

Always.

I tell her to go play until I am done with my nap. She disappears and so does the noise, and I am grateful. Then I hear the giggles and shrieks that mean only one thing. She has awakened her father and he is punishing her with a tickle fight. I hear crinkling in the kitchen. The noise indicates that SB has helped herself to some kind of snack. I yell at SB and ask what she is doing. Jack answers. SB has convinced him to get up and get her a snack because he is nicer than I am (and because he has already been napping for about 2 hours.) He takes her downstairs and turns on her favorite movie because he has to leave and feels bad that I'm so tired. As he is leaving, we hear the sounds of pure joy coming from downstairs. SB is laughing so hysterically at her movie that Jack and I cannot help but crack up ourselves.

I realize napping is futile and instead pull out the computer to blog. I knew it would make me feel better. Thanks for listening. I'm going to brew a pot of coffee.

H.O.O.B.

2011-06-13T13:36:00.003-05:00

Funny thing about babies...they seem to be magnets for strangers with touchy hands. Every mom has been in this uncomfortable position before:

You're in wal mart, minding your own business when suddenly, two aisles down, a sticky-fingered stranger's baby seeking alarm goes off. And here she comes.

Ohhh, a baby!
yes, a baby.
My next door neighbor's cousin just had a baby!
what are the odds of that? Two babies born around the same time.
how old is he?
I'm sorry, what is it about the pink dress and butterfly blanket that screams 'I'm a boy'?
What a cute little baby!
At least you got that part right.

At this point, the SFS (sticky fingered stranger) can no longer resist the urge to touch your newborn child. They always go straight for the baby's hands, which in turn go straight into the baby's mouth. Sometimes the SFS may even mention that they "just washed their hands" before they left their house. So it's totally okay that they're playing "gotcha nose" with your infant.

Oh, well that makes me feel so much better.

Let's see if we can get a quick list of what you have touched since then:
front door handle
car door handle
keys
steering wheel
probably your phone
and the WAL MART CART you are currently handling.

I'm sure there are no germs on any of those things. Please, touch away! Why don't you just let her suck on your wal mart cart while you're at it?

PLEASE PEOPLE!!! HANDS OFF OUR BABIES

I was at the pediatrician's office last week. We were just there for a regular check up, so we were in the "well child" waiting room. As opposed to the "sick child" waiting room. A clever division meant to keep the sickos from contaminating the non sickos. One lady in our waiting room didn't get the memo. But she wanted us to think that she had. Her son was hacking away in the corner, and she kept announcing, "He's not sick! He just has asthma." Right. I sat with Annie on the opposite side of the room, just in case his "asthma" was contagious. This did not keep this woman from yelling at me across the room.

"How old is your baby? Can I see him? (her) He's so cute! (she) I have four kids...." She went on and on, but I was distracted by her daughter who had crept up behind her and was eyeing Annie with itchy fingers.

She started by picking up Annie's stuffed animal rattle and shaking it in her face. Then she started adjusting her blanket and even picked up her pacifier. At that point, I suggested sweetly that she might not want to touch Annie's stuff because Annie spit up a lot and all of her things were probably covered in it. And I really didn't want this SFS to get spit up on her. That worked for about 2 minutes, and then she started again with the touching. It escalated to Annie's favorite hand, which promptly went into her mouth. At this point, I was ready to call in Seal Team 6 to come and extract this tiny terrorist from my baby's car seat.

I announced it was time for a diaper change and swooped in to rescue her myself. When we came back from a very long diaper change, I held Annie instead of putting her back into the car seat, sat in a different corner, next to the wall, and I barricaded us in with my purse and diaper bag on the chair next to us. I even pretended to be extremely busy with something on my phone. No eye contact, no conversation. The girl promptly moved into the seat next to the diaper bag, leaned across the chair between us, and started grabbing Annie's hands again.

I blame the mother, who was still yelling at me from across the room about how her son wasn't contagious; he just needed an antibiotic because he had asthma. She should have known better, as her daughter obviously did not. Finally, the question came. The one I had prepared myself for during the very long diaper change... "Can I hold your baby?"

The words just kind of spilled out, "Oh thank you, but I don't think so. But thank you so much for offering." Mercifully, her brother's name was called right then so they went into the doctor's office to get an antibiotic for his asthma.

So a message to strangers: If you see a baby, by all means, tell the mother how cute the baby is. But please refrain from touching. Think of a stranger's baby as a museum; it's something nice for you to look at while imagining an invisible red velvet rope surrounding the child. No touching and no flash photography.

SB's Prayer

2011-06-06T14:35:00.002-05:00

Last night, Jack and I were in the bed with SB, trying to get her to go to sleep. Her newest stall tactic is to pray for a reallllly long time so she doesn't have to go to sleep. She made Jack pray first, then me, then she wrapped it up with a ten minute thank you / request list. I only hope I can remember most of it, as I had my head buried under the covers to stifle the giggles:

Dear Lord,
Thank you for my mommy, my daddy and my baby, my precious little baby. She is SO ADORABLE. Thank you for Gordy the pig. Please help my Mimi to get better. Please, please, PLEASE Lord, she is my grandma and she just HAS to get better. So just do it, Lord.

And please help my mommy to not say 'no more cartoons' because I LOVE them and I need to watch them every day and they're so good for me. Please help Annie not to cry so much so she won't wake mommy up at night all the time, and please don't let her wake up daddy or me so we can get our sleep too.

Thank you for our beautiful, big house and thank you for my gummies (fruit snacks). Thank you for God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Thank you for Oscar and Bob and Hopscotch and all my kids. Thank you for eyebrows. Amen....and cheese.

In the mood for something adorable?

2011-05-28T18:14:00.001-05:00

Awwwwkward

2011-05-13T12:06:00.002-05:00

Why do I insist on opening my mouth when it's better closed? This story begins innocently enough, although the scene is local liquor store. My sister just graduated from nursing school, and we decided to get a bottle of champagne to celebrate. When I entered, the bored young man behind the counter asked if I needed help. I didn't. I only had a $100 bill that Jack had given me for groceries (sorry, SB, no fruit snacks this week). The champagne was about $5. Only the finest for Mary Beth.

First of all, this kid looked like he was fresh out of high school. No way he was old enough to be behind that counter. I handed him the money anyway and asked if he could break the large bill for me.

Of course, he replied. "We're a liquor store! That's why people rob liquor stores."

I mistook his comment to mean that he had a sense of humor and as he opened his cash register and counted my change out of his stack of $20s, I jumped in with,

"Yeah no kiddding! I'll be back later with a ski mask on."

Well, he didn't laugh. I noticed he also didn't count my change properly, another indication he wasn't quite as old as he should have been. Although most preteens can count the difference between $94 and $104.

I talked him through the math and tried to lighten the mood.

"No need for a ski mask; you're robbing yourself!"

Still no laugh; COME on! Either he was still too confused from all the counting to get the joke or his sense of self-depricating humor wasn't advanced enough to appreciate it. Either way, I excused myself before I said anything else that may or may not have resulted in an unpleasant chat with one of Starkville's finest and an uncomfortable explanation I would have owed to my husband when he came to bail me out of jail.

Babysit Me!

2011-04-05T15:35:00.001-05:00

When the pacifier will not pacify her

then my mama says that I should not deny her

If she will not sleep, well then she wants to eat

so I should nurse again even though I'm beat

Because I haven't slept in a week or two

and if I don't sleep soon I don't know what i'll do

So she eats and burps and then she pees and poos

and if she's feeling spry well then she vomits too

so then I clean it up because it's what I do

then I sit down hard and shed a tear or two

Have to get right up because she's crying then

put on my big girl pants and do it all again.

Pictures from Emily

2011-03-17T17:47:00.001-05:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Pictures from Emily

2011-03-10T14:31:00.001-06:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Meet Annie

2011-03-04T07:16:00.004-06:00

She is finally here! Debra Ann was born yesterday at 11:43 AM after 3 agonizing hours of labor. It was not exactly the pleasant experience we had with SB.

While the photo that Meredith posted of me was originally taken as a joke, it became very real, very quickly. (Also, I did not authorize the posting of that photo. Mere, you totally redeemed yourself with the flowers and dinner last night; otherwise you'd be in big trouble.) Thankfully, Annie didn't take too long, and relief came soon after.

Annie weighed in at 6 lbs 7 oz and measured 21 inches long. She is beautiful and perfect in every way. The pediatrician gave her an A+ on all of her tests. Brilliant, just like her parents. Last night was great. She slept from 11-5, and I was able to sleep most of that time as well. Hopefully that is a sign of things to come. HA!

SB came to visit yesterday afternoon, sporting her big sister shirt. I expected her to hold Annie for about 2 minutes and then be bored with her. Not exactly how things worked. Apparently, Annie is Sarah Beth's baby, and no one else is allowed to hold her while she is in the room. We finally pried Annie away so that the grandmothers had a turn to hold her.

SB was so wound up and excited to meet Annie! Here she is showing off her big sister shirt. She is such a ham. We got some really good pictures with our camera (these are just from my phone), but we forgot the camera cord so I can't move those to the computer yet. Hopefully will have those up later today.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers! We are doing well and expect to go home tomorrow.

Annie is Here!!!!!!

2011-03-03T12:15:00.001-06:00

Mother and baby doing well! I heard Emily did great. Details soon...

Annie Watch: Oh, the Agony

2011-03-03T09:02:00.003-06:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Here is a picture I just received via text from Jack that Emily titled, "Oh, the agony."

I hope this drums up more pity for Emily! Come on people, let her know you care.

We are rooting for you Em!

Annie Watch

2011-03-03T08:59:00.002-06:00

This is Mere pinch hitting for Emily. I will do my best to keep you posted on Emily's progress.

Here's the latest: Started the pitocin at 8:40 this morning and Emily is doing great. She has a particular fear of IV needles, but Jack said this one was smaller than last time and they hit it first time.

Here's to hoping the remainder of labor goes so smoothly! Please pray for Emily and baby Annie this morning, and I will update you when something changes.

How to induce labor

2011-03-01T08:16:00.003-06:00

Thank you all so much for all of your helpful suggestions regarding how to handle that awful collection company, who still calls daily looking for Patricia. Thanks especially to Heather for the best suggestion; Jack and I could not stop laughing at that one. I had a lengthy plan devised but haven't been home the last few days when they have called. I will let you know how it goes after I talk to them.

Now I need more help. This baby is no longer welcome in utero. There just isn't any room left for her to do her daily aerobic routine inside my stomach. Plus, I have no idea how she got a knife in there, but she is quite the little ninja.

So I have taken matters into my own hands. I've been researching ways to induce labor naturally. I have been drinking raspberry leaf tea, which is supposed to increase the frequency of contractions, but so far it has only increased the frequency in which I have to run to the bathroom. Someone also suggested eating spicy food, so after leaving the doctor's office yesterday with no change in labor status, I helped myself to a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendys. All that induced was a raging case of heartburn. We took a family walk yesterday, but the only thing that delivered was sore cankles.

I've been going up and down the stairs as frequently as I can manage. Any other tips you have for ejecting this baby would be appreciated. I realize that not all of you have children, but maybe your neighbor's best friend's cousin has a tried and true method you heard about. Feel free to share. But please don't strain your carpal tunnel syndrome suggesting I drink castor oil. I will never be that desperate.

How to handle a telemarketer?

2011-02-23T15:03:00.003-06:00

We've been getting calls from a debt collection company (United Cash Loans, or UCL) now for months. Each time they ask for Patricia, and each time I tell them they have the wrong number. After the first couple of times, I just started ignoring the calls.

But WOW if these scumbags aren't persistent.

They have seriously upped the ante. They call every single day, and it's starting to drive me insane. The last few times, I have answered and insisted that they take our number out of their call system because there was no Patricia here, nor did I know anyone named Patricia, nor did I know anyone stupid enough to take out a payday loan. Yesterday I asked the lady what her name was and asked to speak to her supervisor, which she wouldn't allow. I told her I would be filing a complaint with the FTC and the AG if they called again....which they did today. So I filed a complaint, but I somehow get the feeling that making these idiots stop calling me is not at the top of the FTC's priority list.

Now I'm ready to get creative. Please submit your suggestions for dealing with these morons. I have considered putting SB on the phone to chat with them, but they usually call during nap time. Maybe I'll just start singing next time. Song suggestions? Other ideas? I guess I could just go back to not answering, but this might be more fun.

I love you but

2011-02-18T15:38:00.003-06:00

I guess I've been a little tired lately in my final weeks of pregnancy. Poor Sarah Beth is suffering the consequences of having a lazy mother. Most days she is forced to play by herself or with little participation from me during tea party.

After a particularly boring session of "playing baby" with SB and bunny, SB sighed and said,

"Mommy, I love you, but....when is Daddy going to be home?"

Never soon enough.

Free* Chicken

2011-02-15T16:53:00.006-06:00

I had seen the rodeo advertised on television, but we aren't exactly rodeo people. I've never been, and I've never cared. However, this past weekend, the rodeo was in town, and there was a free petting zoo beforehand. As much as SB loves animals, I knew she would love to do something like that.

So Saturday afternoon, we drove out to the horse park to see the animals. Before we left, I double checked the web site to be sure of the time and cost. Here is what the site advertised for the day:

Saturday: Gates open at 5 pm for free petting zoo and pony rides and show begins at 7:30.

SB was so excited. We had to park pretty far away, but Sarah Beth was undaunted by the uphill trek. Animals awaited! She peppered us with questions about what kinds of animals we would see.

Will we see horses? Yes. Sheep? Yes. Pigs? Probably.... on and on she went.

We finally made it to the arena and walked right inside. You could smell the excitement, or maybe it was just the horses. When we walked in, an EVENTS jacketed lady asked for our tickets.

Me: Uhhh...we're just here for the petting zoo.
Her: You still need a ticket.
Me: Ok...but we aren't staying for the rodeo. The web site said the petting zoo was free.
Her: You can get a ticket outside.
Me: Thanks for your help.

We followed Jack outside to the ticket booth. Jack was trying to explain to the ticket salesmen that we didn't want to go to the rodeo. We were just there to let our precious little 3-year-old pet some animals. For free.

They were trying to explain to us that the animal petting was only free with paid admission. Even for adorable children whose spirits would be crushed to leave empty handed.

I was trying to explain to them that I had looked on the web site and made sure before we made the 20 minute drive that the petting zoo was free and that we definitely didn't want to stay and watch horses chase cows around a poop-filled arena.

They were trying to explain to us that we still had to buy two adult tickets and one child ticket in order to visit the free petting zoo. I finally told Jack to forget it, but SB was so excited that Jack couldn't bear to break her little heart. I suggested that one of us go in with her and the other wait outside in the free area. Jack asked the ticket lady if we could at least give our tickets to someone else when we left. Sorry, she said, they take your tickets at the door.

A nice lady, overhearing our conversation, pulled two tickets out of her pocket. "Here," she said, "I have 2 tickets. You can have mine if you just buy one for your little girl."

Now that was a really nice thing for her to do. We could pet the animals after all!!!

We did not protest. After thanking her profusely and buying another ticket for SB, we hurried into the arena so as not to waste a minute of petting zoo time. We had to be home in less than 1.5 hours, and we wanted to be sure we had plenty of time to see all the animals.

Turns out, we shouldn't have worried. I captured the entire petting zoo in this one shot:

Here is SB standing next to the sheep, with a miniature horse and a goat in the background. To be fair, there was a cow sleeping in a stall in another corner of the arena, but you couldn't reach it, so I'm not positive it was meant to be a part of the zoo.

Oh yeah, also there was a small cage with 3 chicken crammed inside, but touching was not recommended or even possible.

All I could think about was how this scenario would fit perfectly into a Mastercard commercial:

SB's admission to the free petting zoo: $5
Jack's admission to the free petting zoo:$15
Emily's admission to the free petting zoo: $15
Seeing a sheep, a goat and a miniature horse tied to a fence: Priceless

Meet Hoscott

2011-02-09T14:50:00.002-06:00

We have gained another non human family member. To this one, however, I have no objection. It's Sarah Beth's imaginary dog, Hopscotch. She has had (and still has) her share of imaginary friends, but for a while, I wasn't sure what she was saying when I heard her talking about "Hoscott." She recently discovered the sidewalk chalk game of hopscotch, so I didn't know for sure until recently if this was a new friend or just the game.

Turns out, it's a friend of canine proportions. All I really know is that he is blue and he seems like a very nice dog. Nice enough that we let him stay inside and travel in the car with us. Jack met Hopscotch for the first time a few weeks ago when he and Sarah Beth were walking down the hall towards the kitchen. When they reached the kitchen, SB started giggling and pushing something invisible off of her leg. "Hoscott, not now! I'm trying to eat!"

A few days later, SB was in the basement playing when she called upstairs to me:

SB: "Mom!"
Me: "Yes?"
SB: "Is Hoscott up there?"
Me: "Ummm. I'm not sure."
SB: "Well, if you see him, can you tell him to come down here, please?"

What else could I do? I called out for Hoscott and told him to go downstairs to see Sarah Beth. Good dog.

With a little practice, SB has gotten much better at pronouncing his name. She has also gotten pretty good at talking for him. Hopscotch loves to play hide and seek, curiously one of SB's favorite games as well. I was hiding while SB counted to ten, and this is what I heard:

"...eight, nine, TEN! Ready or not, here I come! Oh, hey Hopscotch. Want to play hide and seek?...Ruff, ruff!...Okay, let's go find mama....Ruff, ruff!"

For our final Hopscotch tale of the day, it might be helpful to know that SB also recently had children. Six of them to be exact. SB has assured me on several occasions that Hopscotch is a very good dog and would not potty inside the house. But apparently he had an accident yesterday. SB told me Hopscotch went poo poo in her room (what is it with my kid and pooping dogs??). I asked her if she cleaned it up and she laughed at me as though her cleaning up after him was the most absurd thing she could imagine. She laughed, waved me off and said, "No way. I had one of my kids do it."

It's Officially Official

2011-02-02T17:20:00.002-06:00

Meredith is free and clear. Her MRI this morning showed the "spot" on her liver was nothing at all. Thanks again to all who prayed for healing. God is truly in the miracle business!

Lymph Node: CLEAR!!!

2011-02-01T18:02:00.002-06:00

Praise God from whom all blessing flow! Meredith's lymph node and tissue results were cancer free! God is so good! He is so merciful! All indications at this point are that Meredith's body is free of cancer, and she will not need additional surgery or any treatments!

We are so thankful for this great report, and we are so thankful for everyone who prayed for Meredith through this time. Our God is an awesome God, and He has carried us through this storm and brought us to the other side with great mercy! We want to thank God today as strenuously as we petitioned Him on Meredith's behalf for the past week.

Meredith will have an MRI tomorrow morning at 9:30 just to make certain the spot on her liver is nothing to worry about. The doctor felt that since the tissue and lymph node were clear, it was extremely unlikely that the spot on her liver could be cancer.

Thank you again for all of your prayers, comments, thoughts, phone calls, texts, etc. Every encouraging word has meant so much. Now we can celebrate!

A Little Reminder

2011-01-31T22:14:00.004-06:00

Meredith and Vic arrived safely in El Paso and are making the drive home. Meredith said she mentioned to God on the plane that she could use a little sign that He was still with her. Once the plane landed, a girl sitting in front of them turned around and admitted that she had overheard them talking and asked for their names. She told them that her boyfriend's father was a melanoma survivor, and she wanted to pray for them.

Thank God for small reminders.

Update on Meredith

2011-01-31T17:22:00.002-06:00

Biopsy results will not be available until tomorrow. Her CT scan showed a spot of something on her liver, but the doctor did not know what it was. She will have to have an MRI to determine exactly what it is.

She and Vic are headed home for now, and the doctor should call tomorrow with lymph node and tissue biopsy results. The most important thing for now seems to be that the tissue and especially the lymph node is clear of cancer. Please continue to pray that way.

She will have an MRI in Midland sometime this week to get a closer look at her liver and determine what that spot could be.

Thank you for continuing to pray!

Initial Lymph Node Report

2011-01-28T16:03:00.003-06:00

Meredith is awake but groggy and in pain, of course. She will get to leave the hospital today, which is great. She will have Vic plus both of his parents (a doctor and a nurse!) to take care of her over the weekend, which they will spend close to the hospital in LA. They meet with the doctor on Monday (I don't know what time) to get the final results as to whether or not anything has spread or if she will have to do any treatments.

One lymph node did light up on the pre-surgery lymph node map, so the doctor removed it during the surgery. From my google searching, I think that just showed which lymph node would be most likely to contain cancer, if the cancer has spread. They are rushing the results to have them ready on Monday. Please, please, please keep praying that this surgery has removed all the cancer and Meredith and Vic can return to normal, healthy life next week!

post surgery update

2011-01-28T12:22:00.001-06:00

Meredith is out of surgery!! Doctor said he didn't see anything alarming or unexpected. Hope to have lymph node results Monday. Thank you for your prayers! God is good.

Surgery Day

2011-01-28T07:42:00.003-06:00

We are all still celebrating the good news from last night that Meredith's PET scan was normal. I wish you could have seen the scene in my living room when I got the news and screamed out loud in joy. Sarah Beth and I danced around the couch while Jack and Mary Beth immediately began rejoicing with us. We thanked God for the good report, then we hit the phones/internet to let all of you share in the joy. So many of you have been asking exactly what this news means. I'm no oncologist, and someone smarter than I can correct me if I am wrong, but my basic understanding is this:

The PET scan shows that the cancer has not spread to any of her organs. This is a really good indicator that during the surgery today, the doctor can remove all the rest of the cancerous tissue from the original site. I believe he will also take some lymph nodes to test for cancer cells, so maybe the PET scan doesn't show whether the cancer has infected any of her lymph nodes? Or perhaps the doctor is just being extra thorough. I know someone out there knows the answers to these questions, but I'm certain we will know more after the doctor goes in today.

Meredith's surgery starts at 10:30 am central time. I asked her this morning how long it might take, but she wasn't sure. Please continue to pray, and I will update everyone as soon as we get word that she is out of surgery.

In family news, Meredith said that Vic has been handling everything regarding her medical care, and that he has been a rock for her throughout this entire ordeal. Vic, thank you for taking such wonderful care of my sister! We love you and are praying for you as well!

My parents have been taking care of Madeleine this week, and she is doing great, sleeping through the night and loving every minute with her grandparents! Vic's parents arrived in LA last night to be with Vic and Meredith during the surgery today. Vic's father is a doctor, and it was at his urging that Meredith had this spot investigated in the first place! Thank you, Dr. Victor, for insisting she see a dermatologist!

PET Scan NORMAL!!!!

2011-01-27T18:47:00.001-06:00

Just got the news: Meredith's PET scan is clear! Thank you, God!

A Message from Meredith

2011-01-27T12:20:00.003-06:00

I spoke with Mere this morning, and she sounded great. Still no news from the PET scan but hoping to hear from doctor today. She asked that I post the following message from her:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!

God is so good. We are amazed at the lengths our God goes to to take care of his children. Please know that Vic and I are doing very well. We have had the most amazing experience since we got the news of my cancer on Monday late afternoon. In a matter of 24 hours we had an appointment with the top melanoma surgeon at UCLA medical center, probably the top in the US. He saw us yesterday, on a surgery day, and moved things around and people out of the way to make room for my surgery, scheduled for this Friday morning at 8:30 a.m. [10:30 central time] Amazing! Some very dear friends moved mountains behind the scenes to make that happen. We are forever grateful.

On top of that miracle, a very close, wonderful friend who lives in LA put his life on hold to make Vic and I feel at home while we are in LA. He picked us up from the airport at 7:00 a.m. (and if you knew Bruce, you would know that it is a miracle for him to rise before 10) and has chauffeured us all over LA and given us his beautiful home in Manhattan Beach. Bruce - you will never know how much we love and appreciate you and what you have done for us!

We have received hundreds of messages from friends and loved ones who are so diligently praying for us. How I wish I could personally thank each and every one of you! We are so humbled. Please keep them coming as we feel the arms of the Lord embrace us and carry us through this valley. He is with us!

We've had nothing but good news so far. Yesterday my chest x-ray was clear and my blood work appeared normal! Today, as we await the PET scan results, we put our hope in the author and finisher of our faith, whose mercies are new EVERY morning. Thanks be to God.

Friday morning we will arrive at 6:30 a.m. [8:30 central] Lymphatic mapping will be done an hour later and surgery at 8:30 [10:30 central]. Please continue to lift us up in your prayers.

He has given us "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow." Great is His faithfulness.

Love to all!

Meredith

Messages for Meredith

2011-01-27T09:15:00.003-06:00

No PET scan results yet.

We hope to hear something this morning. Thank you all SO MUCH for your encouraging comments. Knowing that so many people are thinking about and praying for Meredith and our family means so much. I'm going to tell Meredith to stop by this site whenever she needs a boost, so you can feel free to leave messages for her here.

Meredith Update

2011-01-26T13:54:00.005-06:00

Meredith and Vic met with the oncologist today and he reviewed her chest x rays, which looked good! The doctor scheduled her surgery for Friday morning 10:30 central time. He warned her that it would be pretty invasive and she would be under general anesthesia as opposed to the outpatient procedure we were hoping for. However, Meredith and Vic liked the doctor and the initial results seem to be encouraging. No word yet on staging. PET scan scheduled for this afternoon at 4:30 central, so hopefully we will know more soon!

PLEASE PRAY for clear PET scan! Results should be available tomorrow.

I will keep posting updates as I receive them.

Prayers, Please

2011-01-26T11:59:00.003-06:00

This is a really difficult post to write. I'm reaching out into the blogosphere looking for prayers and support for my sister, Meredith and family. Meredith was diagnosed with skin cancer this week, specifically melanoma. God has been working for her already, and thanks to the efforts of some dear friends, she is actually in an appointment with a top oncologist at UCLA right now. They are moving people out of the way for her to have surgery on Friday.

For those of you who don't know Meredith, she is a wife to Vic and a new mom to 5 month old Madeleine. Every time I have talked to her this week, she has sounded strong and upbeat. We are hoping to get good news this week that the cancer has not spread and that the surgery will be all that she needs to remove all the remaining cancer cells.

As you can imagine, this is a scary time for all of us, but we are trusting God and know that He, unlike us, is not afraid. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I will be keeping everyone updated here as often as I can.

Thank you!

Nesting and Resting

2011-01-19T14:06:00.002-06:00

Ok, mostly I'm resting. Jack says SB is nesting. We can't ever seem to get through Wal Mart without passing the baby section. Every time we pass by, SB stops to check out the merchandise.

"Mom, we need diapers for Baby Annie. We don't have any."
"Mom, wait, we didn't get any bottles."
"Hey! We need this for Baby Annie! Can we get it, mommy, please?"

SB has also been ultra concerned that our crib wasn't put together. I suppose she thought we'd just put Annie on the floor. So we (saw to it that my brother) got that taken care of this weekend. Sarah Beth is relieved to have that done, but she's still concerned that we don't have any pacifiers. Because Annie is going to need those.

Thankfully, SB is taking care of most of the worrying, so I don't have to. I've been busy managing my heartburn and keeping my feet up. Overall, this has been a pretty easy pregnancy. But last week I decided that I was over it. I'm ready to get this baby out. While this pregnancy was for the first 2 trimesters pretty similar to my first- very little morning sickness, no gestational diabetes or other major issues- it has brought with it more aches and pains than I remember having with SB.

I certainly jumped out there a lot faster with the weight gain, and I said goodbye to my belly button weeks ago. But sleeping has been so much more difficult with chronic hip pain. I can't sleep on my back or my blood pressure plummets, but my sides hurt so bad that I end up rolling over every 45 minutes or so. Getting in and out of bed is a five minute routine, as is putting on socks and shoes. Now I know what it feels like to be an octogenarian.

Mercifully, the leg cramps have been much less frequent than they were with SB, but the heartburn is raging. With SB I drank Mylanta like water, but for some reason I decided to read the back of the bottle this time. Active ingredient: Aluminum hydroxide??? I didn't love the idea of gulping aluminum, pregnant or not. So I've switched to Tums, which seems to do an okay job. Although I have to admit, I may be onto a new and improved method of beating the burn. I call it ice cream, and so do you. I just had a bowl, and it was both delicious and effective. I don't think you're advised to take more than 10 Tums / day. I wonder if the same is true for number of bowls of Jamoca Almond Fudge? I'm only trying to do what is best for Annie.

All I Want for Christmas is Poo

2011-01-17T15:22:00.005-06:00

I know Christmas was weeks ago, but what can I say? January is a very busy time for me. Not to mention, we were in Jacksonville for a few days for the Gator Bowl, which was awesome. Once we got back, reality set it. Since I am all things except a shingler for our roofing company (I have been known to mix it up on a rooftop, but not since I became a mom), the business of all the monthly, quarterly and yearly tax garbage falls to me. Once a year, it all happens in the same month. I call it the perfect storm.

January to some means new beginnings, a fresh start. To me, it means I have to file December's monthly reports, our fourth quarter reports and taxes, and our fiscal year end report PLUS fill out W2s for everyone who worked for us last year. And those are in sixlicate. I don't know the real word. It's like triplicate, only times 2. What I mean is that each form has six carbon copies, and I have to press down really hard to make the ink go all the way through. I have blisters. Feel sorry for me. I just finished those last Thursday. I found out on Friday that you can now fill out and submit those online. Brilliant.

Anyway, since things have finally settled down in the office, I realized it was time to make my post-Christmas post. I know you're all dying to hear how SB reacted to the poop dog. Unfortunately, I don't have one good video to post. I videoed the opening of the poop dog; she jumped up and down for a little while, then had to turn off the camera because it took ten minutes to open the package and get all the pieces out. I turned it back on to film her first attempt, but we experienced some technical difficulties on our first go round. Once we got it figured out, I turned the camera back on just in time to hear SB say, "It's even better than I thought it would be." So I'd say it was a hit. She already wants another one. Thanks, Uncle Robby.

Since we got that out of the way on Christmas Eve, SB was able to be excited about all of her other presents on Christmas Day.

Here she is running into the oven in her new Barbie Jeep. She has since figured out how to steer.

Also, we got snow on Christmas Day!! It was so exciting. SB loved it.

And while Jack and I decided to go with Gator Bowl tickets as our Christmas gifts to each other, my brother came through with the second best gift of the year. He gave me a chance to be Kelly Kapowski for the night. And the opportunity to step out in Bayside style whenever I get the urge.

Thanks, Andrew. I feel so cheerleaderish!

I'll Be Sick for Christmas

2010-12-21T13:34:00.005-06:00

It's all SB' s fault, really. She started it. She ran a fever off and on from Wednesday through Sunday. While the fever seems to be gone, it has been replaced by a nasty cough. And she was kind enough to share her germs with Jack and me.

Isn't she the most pitiful thing? SB and Bunny doing a breathing treatment.

At least Jack can take good medicine. He's already feeling better after a day or two on steroids and cough syrup. Meanwhile, my pregnant self is stuck with a sore throat and congestion that I can't seem to shake. Did I mention I was pregnant? Because I am. Very. Just ask SB who now calls me "the biggest momma I ever saw." That comment is almost always followed by a big hug around one of my giant thighs, so I can't be mad at her. I'm pretty sure she means it as a compliment. Although she did come into my room a few days ago while I was changing shirts and with wide eyes informed me that "your tummy is too big." Thanks for the pep talk.

For those of you who don't know, here is the rundown:

I'm 29 1/2 weeks, due March 6.
We're having another girl.
Jack is still hoping she will turn out to be a boy.
Her name is Debra Ann, after my mother; we plan to call her Annie.
SB loves to talk to her baby sistah and translates Annie's kicks into words for me and Jack:
"She just said she can't wait to meet me!"
"She just said she looooooves cranberry juice!"
"She just said she wants a poop dog for Christmas!"

Anyway, with Annie counting on me to keep her healthy, I'm trying to muster through this cold as best I can with minimal meds to help me breathe. I'm just praying we are all well before Saturday. My whole family is coming into town for Christmas night, and I am so excited. Especially to see my Texas sister and her family.

Before I sign off to go drink another cup of hot water with lemon juice (oh, where are my beloved RBFs??), let me share 2 things with you. First, a conversation I overheard SB having via telephone with heaven:

SB: Zaccheaus? Hi, it's Sarah Beth....No, we're out shopping. Can I talk to Jesus?............
Jesus? Hi, it's Sarah Beth.....No, haha, no, we're just out shopping. Can I talk to God?..............
God? Hey, Sarah Beth. Do you have toys at your house?...... Ok good. Well, we're out shopping so I'll talk to you later.

Secondly, I realized a few weeks ago while driving SB and my niece to church that we had not really discussed with SB why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. She was in the back seat yelling about the poop dog, and my 5-year-old niece spoke up: "You know what I want for Christmas?" She waited patiently for me to ask what it was that she wanted and then said: "Jesus." That's all. No poop dogs, just Jesus.

So a few days later, I tried to tell SB about why we really celebrate Christmas. It's not all about decorating trees and pooping dogs. It's Jesus' birthday! I tried to relate it to a Christmas book she likes to read, but all SB heard was "birthday."

SB: It's Jesus' birthday?? Well, when is Zaccheaus' birthday?

I know what she's thinking. If she gets presents on Jesus' birthday, why not on Zaccheaus' birthday too, right?

Me: That's a good question. I don't know.
SB: Well, what's he gonna do?
Me: You mean, how is he going to celebrate his birthday? I'm not sure.
SB: When is God's birthday?
Uh oh.
Me: God doesn't have a birthday.
SB: Why not?
Me: Hey, is that a rabbit over there????

I think we might wait until next year to delve into the real meaning of Christmas discussion.

It's Beginning to Smell a Lot Like Christmas

2010-12-10T13:55:00.003-06:00

No need to sit on Santa's lap this year. Not that SB would ever dare come close to such a frightening figure such as Santa Claus, but as it turns out, we didn't need him to ask what she wanted for Christmas this year. Sarah Beth made up her mind a long time ago, and she will not be swayed.

I noticed lately whenever she is watching cartoons, she pays just as much attention to the advertisements as she does the actual cartoon. And she wants everything.

Mom! Come look at this! Can you pause it?? I want that! Look, Mom, look!

Like I said, she wants just about everything she sees advertised. However, there is one toy on the market that has made an especially lingering impression on my animal loving daughter.

At first, I wasn't certain I was hearing her correctly. I dismissed it the first few times she mentioned it, but persistence finally won out, and I was left with no choice but to investigate. I google searched, "toy dog that poops" and SB wasn't lying, nor was my hearing impaired.

WARNING: If you are easily grossed out, please stop reading now. Go pick up an LL Bean catalog and see how fast you can go through it and figure out which items are new from last months edition. Don't watch this video.

SB calls it the poop dog and has made a game of going about the house, yelling "poop dog!" in each room until she finds me. Just to let me know she hasn't forgotten about it. SB is for some strange reason delighted with the idea of watching a dog poop, cleaning it up and then feeding it back to the dog. I was so horrified at what I saw that I told SB there was no way I was ever getting her any toy that pooped. I told her it was gross and to forget about it.

She didn't.

She was talking to Jack's grandmother on the phone last week and only uttered 5 words before I had to yank the phone away. His grandparents have a dog named Wags and a cat named Kit. SB always asks about them whenever they speak on the phone.

Me: Here, SB, say hi to Gran.
SB: Wags!
Gran told her that Wags was outside and would love to play with her next time she came over.
SB: Kitty cat!
Gran told her that Kit was outside too and would see her at Christmas.
SB: Poop dog!

I guess Christmas is the trigger word for this new Pavlovian response. I frantically grabbed at the phone and prayed the translation had been lost over the telephone wires. SB kept yelling in the background while she danced down the hallway, "poop dog! poop dog! poop dog!" I ran in the other direction, explaining that SB was kind of busy and couldn't really talk at the moment.

I had a few friends over earlier this week, and SB enjoyed playing with their kids while we visited. The next day, one mother called me to say that her son had been asking for a poop dog ever since they left our house. (This happened to be the same mother whos lipstick SB was wearing last Saturday night after dumping out her purse. I don't supposed we will be getting any more dinner invites from them for a while.)

And imagine my humiliation whenever a kind old lady in the grocery line asks SB what she wants for Christmas.

"Poop dog!" She always yells with such enthusiasm. Then they look at me with disdain and quickly select another line. How do you respond to that? I know what they're thinking, what a horrible mother I am for a child to say such a thing. But don't blame me! Blame it on Mattel!

I, like every other good parent, went to Wal Mart at midnight on Thanksgiving in order to secure for my child the best toy for Christmas. I was so excited for her to open up a Barbie Jeep on Christmas morning. I was sure she would be delighted and insist on taking it for a spin around the block despite the freezing weather. I would, of course, oblige and happily chase her down the street while she sped around the block, the happiest little girl in town.

Now I'm plagued by nightmares that SB will rip into the barbie jeep and move right past it in search of her beloved poop dog.

So if you see us out this Christmas season, do me a favor and don't ask SB what she wants for Christmas. And say a prayer that the power of the Barbie Jeep will be enough to overwhelm any feelings for the poop dog.

What Child Is This?

2010-12-08T20:57:00.002-06:00

So I've been away for a while. What can I say? SB has been keeping me on my toes. I can't succinctly recap the last 6 months, but what I can give you is a small taste of what the last 6 days have been like in our home. First of all, you should know that SB has pretty much always been really really good. But somewhere in the last week, I lost my angel. I'm not sure what happened to cause this change. Read on and see for yourself.

Wednesday: SB and cousins are playing on the swingset at my parents house. Then they decide to help themselves to the inside of my car. I quickly removed them from the car, only to realize they had helpfully locked the doors before leaving...with my keys inside. It was nap time, and did I mention that SB had safely strapped bunny into her carseat just before I pulled her out of the car? So that was a nice afternoon. But it was nothing compared to the storm that was coming.

Thursday: I'm diligently working on the computer, keeping Jack's business in order, and I think about how good and quiet SB has been in her room. Should have been my first clue that she wasn't pulling on my shirt for something to eat or drink or a cartoon...but it wasn't. When I went upstairs to check on her, she immediately ran to her room and closed the door. Not a good sign. When I went in, I saw white. Thick white paste with a strangely familiar scent...desitin. And it was smeared everywhere, including on SB.

Her clothes, toys, furniture, CARPET, everything was covered in a thick, white, scented goo. I was pretty angry. After a small talk and a not so small spanking, she had to throw away her smeared toys and sit in time out while I attempted to clean the carpet. She has had a desitin obsession for a while now, and I thought I had removed all of the temptation from reach. But she somehow managed to find TWO tubes by climbing onto her rocking chair (another big no no) and reaching the top shelf in her room.

Friday: Same scenario, me hard at work while SB was playing quietly upstairs. I didn't wait long to check on her this time, but apparently five minutes was all she needed to remove the peanut butter from the cabinet, hide in her room and empty the container of half of its contents. At least she was kind enough to use a spoon, put it in the sink and return the PB to the cabinet when she had finished her work.

When I walked into her room, the sight was disturbingly familiar, my white nightmare painted brown. I was SO MAD and confused. How could she do this AGAIN? Another talk, spanking and time out while I scrubbed the carpet in a vain attempt to remove the peanut butter. I'm pretty sure some of her pillows are still stained brown.

Me: SB, where did you get the peanut butter???
SB: Bunny gave it to me.
(I ignored the bunny comment)
ME: Why did you do this?
SB: Because I was hungry, and you wouldn't give me anything!

A quick look around showed a plate of crackers and sliced apples on the dining room table and a half-eaten pop tart on the kitchen counter.

Who can reason with a guilty three-year-old??

Saturday: We spent most of the day out of the house, because I was too tired and angry to clean up any more messes and because I was worried what I might do to my child if she misbehaved again. SB played with the little boy next door, we bought and decorated our Christmas tree and went to a friends house for dinner. I was able to relax a little while the kids played after dinner, but when we got ready to leave, I noticed a strange red substance on SB's arms, clothes and face.

After my friend discovered the contents of her purse strewn about her bedroom, we reasoned it must have been lipstick. Another spanking, this time from Daddy. Thank God I was spared from the sole responsibility of punishment this time. Daddy spankings are much more effective than mine, or so I thought.

Sunday: Church, nap, dinner; a pretty uneventful day. Bedtime rolls around, and SB was allowed to fall asleep in our bed, because she is afraid of the dark all of a sudden, and somehow our room is less scary. After getting up 3-4 times to tell me very important things, like how she had decided that she was afraid of Jesus or that she really wanted a poop dog for Christmas (another story in itself), I finally thought she was asleep. I was wrong.

Jack and I were in the living room. My brother and sister were visiting with us. SB was in the hallway. She was timidly calling my name. She knew she shouldn't be out of bed. I got up and went through the kitchen but before I reached the hallway, a strong odor began burning through my nasal cavity. SB looked guilty as hell.

SB's nightgown was covered in something. It was wet but not water, sticky but stinky. I definitely detected the scent of my perfume but there something else as well. Something awful. A full investigation revealed the culprit to be a tube of Jack's muscle rub, Aspercreme to be exact. And it wasn't just on SB's nightgown. It was all over our sheets and Bunny too. Another spanking, since those have been so effective... then she had to go to bed by herself in her room without bunny. That wasn't an easy battle. And my sheets seem permanently oil-stained. I'm still not sure how she reached my perfume, which was on the top shelf of my bookcase, which is shoulder-level to me. I was relieved that she didn't get any in her eyes or mouth! But mostly I was mad.

Monday: It was toothpaste and shaving cream on Monday. I sent SB to potty and put on shoes just before we left to run errands. I heard the toilet flush, and I waited patiently for her to get her shoes. When she came back into the room several minutes later, she was missing her shoes but had gained a beard. A blue beard. Of Jack's shaving cream. Which I can only surmise that she climbed onto the bathroom counter to reach. And while she was up there, she helped herself to Jack's toothpaste as well as her own.

Since I had just bought a new package of toothpaste for her, I was most impressed that she had managed to open the box, twist off the cap and remove the safety seal (which, kudos to her, she had thrown in the trash can) before emptying it in and around the sink.

Wednesday: You may have noticed that I skipped right over Tuesday. Mercifully, I had a doctor's appointment late that morning, so my mother volunteered to keep SB all day so I could have a day off. My mother knows about SB's behavior as of late, and hates for SB to be in trouble, so whatever happened at Grandma's house that day, stayed at Grandma's house. I didn't press for details, because I just didn't have it in me to hear whatever horrible things she had done.

Today went by almost uneventfully until I caught SB standing on a table trying to reach something on top of her dresser. Ugh. Then she had to be taken out of the restaurant where we had dinner for throwing something immediately after I said, "Don't throw that!"

When we got home, I sent her to our bathroom to potty before bed. Knowing I couldn't trust her alone anymore, I went in about 45 seconds after I sent her in there. She was standing over the toilet, toilet brush in hand, and I was just too late to stop her from dumping out the comet. I guess she was trying to make up for all of the messes she had made this week.

Meet Ellie

2010-06-03T12:40:00.006-05:00

Our swagger wagon

Here she is! Our newest addition arrived home with us last night after a long, laborious day of test driving, price negotiating, paperwork and a long drive home. We are more than happy with our decision and even, in retrospect, glad that the Dossett "sales manager" was so disinterested in us when we tried to buy a different car (see previous post).

This is the car that we had wanted all along, and it ended up being the best deal of all the cars we saw over the long weekend. Sarah Beth loves it and immediately christened the back seat by jumping up and down on it while singing, "I love it, I love it, I love it, I love iiiiiiiiiiiit!" (yes, Laura, she was singing to the tune of the cousin song.)

The back seat had been previously untouched as the first owner clearly did not have children. I made the comment that I suspected as much and then confirmed my suspicions when searching for a seatbelt for SB's car seat. The seatbelts were nowhere to be found, and I began to worry that there were none. We finally discovered them under the seats, and after much exertion, we were able to dislodge them from the factory wraps.

Anyway, SB has done her best to mudify as much of the backseat as possible, but I am doing my best to keep it nice and clean despite an active, hungry 2 year old.

If you are searching for a good family car, I would highly recommend the Mitsubishi Endeavor. It is ranked in the top 10 of SUVs. And I searched for that information in the most scientific way possible:

I googled it.

I typed in "best suv" and selected the first link. According to suv.reviewitonline.net, the Endeavor ranks as #4 in their top 10 list of the best sports utility vehicles. So it must be true. Here are a list of pros and cons that I have come up with for this thing:

PROS:
Plenty of room
Drives great
Looks great
V6 engine gives enough power without the gas guzzling you get with a V8
I hear "hot babysitter" a lot while driving it

CONS:
No auxiliary plug for an mp3 player.

I know. That is not very Raven. You might scoff at that as a disappointment, but for Jack and me it seemed to be the only criterion we were concerned with when looking at cars. Every time we got inside a car, while the dealer is pointing out the sunroof, leather seats and other pricey add ons, we immediately checked for an auxiliary port. If there was not one, we both mentally scratched the car off of our list. I can't believe how many newer model cars do not have that!!

I know it seems like a silly criterion, but there are a few reasons why we felt like we needed this one thing. First of all, we take a lot of trips, and we need good music for the long hours in the car. We both have music wizard apps on our phones that allow us to download any song we want for free. The only thing I have not been able to find on this search engine is some old school Destiny's Child. There. I said it. Don't judge me because your musical tastes are not as advanced as mine.

Another reason we need this port is for the navigation system. Again, our phones come in handy with the turn by turn GPS that we use on a pretty regular basis. You can plug in the phone through the auxiliary mp3 porthole, fire up your music and listen as loud as you like. (If you are like Jack, then you like your rock n roll turned up to 11.) Then when a turn is coming up, the navigation system pauses the music and pipes in just long enough to tell you that you need to turn left in 1/2 mile on Interstate 59, then it goes right back to the music. So you never have to worry about missing a turn while you are enjoying "Can you pay my bills" at full blast.

While I am on the subject, let me just promo the Android phone for a minute. For me, it is a product that ranks right up there with Tilex. Jack got one last year and has loved it since first sight. When I finally had to trade in my beloved blackberry last month, Jack insisted I try the droid. Lucky for me, they had just put out their newest model: The Incredible. It truly is, as the commercials say, nothing short of its name.

I already mentioned the free music feature and the turn by turn navigation system, all of which can be run through your car stereo for maximum efficiency. And of course if you get a phone call while listening to your music and running the navigation system, the music pauses, you can opt to answer or decline, and if you answer, the music stays paused and your conversation automatically takes place hands free via the speakerphone, with your conversation partner coming through the stereo. The navigation system will interrupt your convo to remind you of a turn and the music comes back after you hang up the phone.

The new Incredible model is considerably faster and is also more lightweight than the original, and one function I love is that you can talk to text message. I am not fond of the virtual keyboard, since my fingers always seem to touch the wrong button, but with the talk to text function, I can just tell the phone what I want to do. I can also voice search Google or speak my emails. It also has way better web access than my blackberry. I have yet to find a page that it will not access.

If only it had Destiny's Child.

Dossett Big Fool

2010-05-31T21:17:00.004-05:00

I have waited too long (again) between posts, and therefore I have lots to say. However, our current situation has provided such an unbelievable story that the old stories will just have to wait.

My 8 year run with Allie the Altima seems to have come to an end. It was a pretty good run. (Insert Larry David here.) But the black smoke pouring out of my tailpipe signifies that the end is definitely here. Our weekend was spent vigorously searching ebay, autotrader, carmax, local and long distance dealers, looking for that one sweet deal.

We have been wanting a Mitsubishi Endeavor ever since my older sister bought one several years ago. Since then it has transfered to my younger sister, and we have borrowed it on numerous occasions. However, those cars seem to be few and far between around here. I did finally find one on Autotrader a few hours from where we live. However, that dealer has been closed all weekend, even today for Memorial Day, and we were tired of waiting.

One dealer that wasn't too far away, Dossett Big Four, had a couple of Envoys listed on their web site, and they both looked like good deals. We were so tired of searching and cramming into Jack's truck whenever we needed to go somewhere. We were just ready to pull the trigger on something. An Envoy sounded nice, and both were reasonably priced. I called the dealer to make sure they were open on the holiday, and the secretary answered. She informed me that today was the last day of Autofest, and all of their salesmen and all of their inventory were at a huge lot with 2 other dealers. They would be there until 9pm. It sounded like a good plan to me.

As we made the drive, we were psyched to come home with our new car. We were ready to buy. When we hit the lot, we first found the Envoy we came to buy. One had sold but one was left, and as we wandered the lot, we were surprised that we were not assaulted by salesmen. After a long weekend of touring every dealership within 45 miles of our home, we were amazed that no one came running to our aid with promises of low interest rates and rock bottom prices. (Most of them also had stories about how they were raising 3 kids and had a fiance living in California to visit or just had a grandkid in Sydney Australia, so they needed our money to go see the little brat. Basically, they all promised to do "whatever it takes" to sell us a car.)

While searching for a salesman at Autofest, if you can believe we actually had to do that, we happened upon a beautiful 2009 Chevrolet Equinox. It had less than 20,000 miles on it, and it was maroon. Perfect for tailgating; it would match exactly with our new MSU tent. We were psyched, and I knew that one of the cars parked before me would soon be ours.

Still no salesmen in sight, so we decided to just see what the other dealer next door had to offer. We barely set foot on the lot before that salesman was shaking our hands and loading us into his golf cart to see the deals. We agreed to test drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and when we returned, he already had another running. He said he figured he would cool it off for us so we could take it for a spin too. This guy was serious about selling us a car and even insisted that we come inside after a few test drives to talk about financing and bottom line pricing. We didn't really have a choice, even after admitting to him that we still wanted to check out a couple other cars (the Envoy and Equinox were calling). He practically begged us to come inside, so we obliged. We finally got out of there to his dismay and ran back to Dossett Big 4 to buy our car before it was gone.

When we got back to Dossett, we wasted no time and went straight inside to play let's make a deal. We were met at the door by a man that can only be described as a car salesman, right down to the sunburned skin with the unbuttoned print shirt and gold chain reflecting off of his red, hairy chest. The only difference between this guy and any other car salesman was that this guy did not want to sell us a car.

Jack: Hi, are you a salesman?

SM: Well, not really. I'm the sales manager, so I don't really know anything.

He was obviously joking, so we offered the obligatory chuckle. If he was the sales manager, then he was just the man we needed to see.

Jack: Well, we really like that Envoy; we saw it on the web site and that's the one we came for, but we just saw the Equinox a few minutes ago, and we are interested in that one too. I don't see it over there right now. Did you sell it already?

SM: No, it hasn't sold. They just took it to fill up with gas.

Jack: Great, then we would like to test drive those two and maybe get an opinion on which one you might recommend.

SM: Well, we are trying to close down for the day.

We waited for the ...BUT... but no but came.

Jack: Um, ok. We just want to check out those two, and then I think we will be ready to make a decision. (hint hint)

SM: Well, we have been trying to close down for a few minutes now, and I already put the keys away.

At this point, I jump in and tell him that when I called the office BEFORE we drove all the way out there, the secretary told me that they would be there until nine.

The sales manager said it was just too bad he had already sent the sales staff home. His exact words were: "It's just me and the owner here now so we can't really do anything for you."

Just the manager of the sales and the owner of the company. They couldn't help us.

Jack: Are you sure, man? We drove out here an hour and a half for this one particular car. Are you sure we couldn't just see it real quickly?

SM: Oh where did you drive from? yeah, I sold a lot of cars this weekend to people from where you live. A lot of cars. It's just that I already put the keys up for the day. All these cars are going back to our lot first thing in the morning. Why don't you just come back tomorrow?

Jack: Well, we came today because I had the day off and because our car just died so we kind of need to go ahead and get something else. And because we were told you would be here for 4 more hours.

SM: Yeah, I'm sorry she told you that. We are closing up now.

At this point, Jack and the Sales Manager are in an arms crossed stare down stand off. The sales manager had a "I don't give a you-know-what" smug look on his face. Jack wore an expression that I could only interpret as disbelief mixed with 'are you telling me that between the sales manager and the OWNER of the company, as I am standing here before you practically begging you to sell me a car, you cannot help me today because it is almost five o'clock?'

Either this guy had a date with the captain of the cheerleader squad to get to or he had been out in the sun so long that the reasonable portion of his brain had been fried. Some salesman. He didn't even have to sell us a car. All he really had to do was hand us a key and hit print on the sales receipt and we were ready to sign our souls on the dotted line. But he didn't budge. Finally I dragged Jack out of the stand off, and we drove away without our car.

We are going tomorrow to buy the Endeavor that we found on Autotrader.

I hope that cheerleader was hot.

SB's Prayer

2010-05-11T08:59:00.003-05:00

At the dinner table last night after Jack blessed the food, SB jumped in with a few words of thanks:

"Jesus, Wonderful. Thank you for my baby, my princess umbrella and my stroller. Amen."

Terrorist name: Gusher

2010-04-27T15:48:00.007-05:00

Sorry I've been away so long! I got a few good scoldings this week for not posting, but I've been away recovering from Deena's snub. I have many things to post about, but first let's talk about Texas. I have never seen a state more proud of itself than Texas.

Seriously, all the local businesses have "Texas" in the name and use the star or outline of the state in their logo. Even the waffles at our hotel were Texased.

See? Texans also have a penchant for using the letter K where it does not belong, ie Ken's Kwik Stop and Kammy's Kountry Kitchen. One of my pet peeves. But I digress.

One thing that Texas does have going for it is that my sister and her husband (and soon to be niece) live there. So I made the trek a few weeks ago to visit. We had a great time, but that's not what this post is really about.

The truth is that I think I might be on a government watch list. I guess I was kind of suspicious looking, showing up at an airport without any carry on luggage. I mulled this over while packing for my trip. I knew I had a layover in Houston both ways, and I really didn't want to be lugging any extra stuff around between flights. All I really needed was a book, and that would fit in my purse.

I've been on a few flights before, and no airline has ever lost my luggage. Plus, I was flying Southwest, and they love bags! They would be the last people to lose my luggage. So I decided against a carry on bag. A decision that would come to haunt me a few hours later.

At the airport, I was waiting in line to board the plane when I noticed a security officer looking me up and down from across the waiting area. He spoke into his walkie talkie and then headed my way. Of course I was nervous. He asked me to step out of line and come with him. He then asked if he could look in my purse. There was a lot of stuff in there. He helped himself to all of it. I guess he finally decided I didn't have any bombs in there and reluctantly allowed me to board the airplane. It was kinda embarrassing. After they let me get back in line, the guy who was standing behind me remarked, "I didn't think you looked like a terrorist."

I thanked him for his vote of confidence.

I made it safely to Houston, and after my layover and another bag inspection while waiting to board (I kid you not) I was on the plane waiting to take off for Midland. I had a window seat this time, interestingly enough sitting next to a woman wearing one of those white masks. You know the kind you see people wearing while they mow their grass? I don't know if she had been doing yard work earlier that day or just didn't want to breathe any of my recycled air, but either way we didn't speak. Which gave me ample time to gaze out the window and watch the man toss our bags into the plane.

It was reminiscent of the Southwest commercial where the guys load up the bags and then wave goodbye while wiping away tears. "I'm really gonna miss those bags." I halfway expected him to wave after he finished loading, but he didn't. I know because I was watching him drive away. I didn't see him wave, but I did notice two lonely bags pushed to the side of a cart left on the runway next to our plane. He forgot to load two bags. And one of them was suspiciously similar to mine.

I realize it's hard to see in this photo, but that is a red suitcase with a hot pink tag on the handle. I had a very clear view of it from my window seat. I began to panic. The baggage man was gone, and we were cleared for takeoff. I snapped this photo for evidence and emailed it to Meredith with this message, "On my way to Midland. God help Southwest if that is my bag sitting on the runway."

I didn't know what to do. I thought about flagging down a stewardess and mentioning it to her. How much trouble would it be to page a baggage worker to just double check that bag and make sure it wasn't mine? What if I held up the already delayed flight for them to look at that bag and then they determined it wasn't mine? Then I would really be embarrassed. After my terrorist scare, I wasn't up for any more attention. A lot of bags look like mine. It's a very common suitcase. And all of the transfer bags have hot pink tags on them. Right? I decided to keep my mouth shut.

And then we started moving. I was sure I would arrive in Midland sans luggage, and I was kicking myself for not saying anything AND for not at least packing a change of clothes in a carry on bag.

Wow I have told a long story, and now I'm tempted to lie and say that it was indeed my bag on the runway. It was not. My luggage was waiting for me in Midland, and I took back all the bad things I said to myself on the flight about Southwest not really loving bags.

The return trip was almost as eventful and began when Meredith dropped me off at the Midland airport Sunday afternoon. Meredith had packed me all sorts of goodies for my long trip back to Mississippi: fruit roll up, fruit by the foot and Gushers, the delicious candy with a liquid center! I was looking forward to enjoying something other than peanuts on my flights that night.

I went through security without setting off the metal detectors, but my purse did not pass the xray scan. The lady examining the bags frowned and pointed at the screen to something suspicious. So the security man took me aside and looked disapprovingly at my purse.

Security Man: Do you have any weapons in here?

I resisted the urge to make a joke about how I usually carried a grenade launcher because he didn't look like the type of person who enjoyed laughing.

Me: No sir.

Security Man: Nothing in there that's going to hurt me if I go through it?

Seriously? Again, no.

So he begins the process of inspecting every item in my purse and finally pulls out a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer.

"WHAT'S THIS????"

Hand sanitizer, sir.

He scrutinized it for a while, then let me slide on that one, surprisingly enough. Then he hit paydirt. The packet of Gushers. He pulled them out and slowly inspected the packaging.

Security Man: "Gushers, huh?"

My face turned red. What was I, five?? Foiled by the delicious liquid center. I tried to explain that my sister had packed them for me but ended up feeling even more foolish for trying to defend the gushers.

Security Man: "That must've been what she spotted on the screen."

He actually smiled at this point, obviously feeling my pain.

"Well, it looks like everything is in order here, and you got your gushers, so have a nice flight."

He winked at me, threw the gushers back into my purse, and let me go on my way. I was sorry I passed on the grenade launcher joke.

On the flight, a steward asked me if I would like a drink. I asked for a Long Island, because I really felt like I needed one, and he looked first confused, then concerned, then apologetic. "I don't think we have that, ma'am. I'm sorry. Can I get you something else?"

"That's ok," I told him. "I got my gushers." And I enjoyed every last drop of my liquid contraband.

ATTENTION DEENA

2010-03-26T09:27:00.002-05:00

If your name is not Deena Shelton, this post is not for you. I know this is kind of unorthodox, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want to.

Deena! I saw your comment on my last post, and I was thrilled to hear from you! However, when I clicked your name, I was dismayed to see that I could not contact you unless I had a facebook page.

I'm a total loser and therefore do not have a facebook page. So can we compromise with email? I'd love to catch up with you. What has it been? 8 years? I'm at redwoodemily@hotmail.com

For the rest of you who are still reading, shame on you, reading another person's personal message. While you should definitely be ashamed of yourself, you are also excited, because now you have my email address. Exciting, isn't it? But you should know that this particular email address is my spam catcher.

I have another, super secretive email address that I will give to you if you can prove yourself real. I will only need your name, address, social security number, mother's maiden name, a copy of your passport and the name of your favorite childhood pet. Also a credit card number. Email me with those few items, and I will send you my non-spam catching email address.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

SB said:

2010-03-25T14:45:00.003-05:00

We went to the bank a few weeks ago, and SB has learned that the tellers will often give her a sucker if they notice her in the backseat. She was of course yelling for a sucker, and the kind man behind the glass was happy to oblige. He asked which color she would like, and SB said "blue." Dum Dums make blue raspberry and cotton candy suckers, both of which are blue. So he sent her one of each. As we were driving away, Jack made the discovery and said,

"SB! He sent you TWO suckers!"

SB said, "Two suckers??? He's a good man!"

A few days ago, I was getting dressed, and SB was anxiously waiting as she hopped back and forth on each leg. She knew we were going to Wal Mart, and that usually involves a ride on the horsey. I finally finished getting ready, and SB exclaimed,

"Looking goooooood, mama. Looking GOOD! Now let's rock and roll!"

She has also been telling us that she wants a baby brother and a baby sister. If she gets a baby brother, she will name him Tiny Tim. We have been talking a lot about my sister's pregnancy and how baby Madeleine lives in Aunt Meredith's tummy. SB has been taking it all in. When Jack arrived home from work last night, SB met him at the door and announced,

"Daddy! I have a baby in my tummy!"

Jack paused and then said to me, "Well, I've been wondering how I would react if SB ever told me that. I think I handled it quite well."

SB also likes to tell people that she is "getting a baby."

I have one more story, and although it didn't come from SB, I think it is still worth sharing. This one is from my six-year-old niece, Mary. Her grandmother asked her if she knew what Easter was, and after much thought she answered, "I think so. Isn't that when God created the Easter Bunny?"

And finally, I have a quick update on my recent post about my experience with the county clerk while trying to get a new license plate sticker. In case you missed it, you can read it here:

http://emilyredwood.blogspot.com/2010/02/ill-be-helpful-when-im-dead.html

Last week, someone from that office called BOTH of my parents SEPARATELY in order to verify MY recent address change.

What's a girl gotta do to get a banana popsicle in this town?

2010-03-09T15:04:00.000-06:00

We are officially sick of being sick. For the last 2 weeks we have had fever and colds, a double ear infection and 2 rounds of the stomach bug. Also I accidentally got SB high off children's cold medicine in a minor misread of the dosage instructions. I plead sleeplessness.

It all started 2 Sundays ago when SB started running fever at bedtime. Not a big deal, except with it came some serious sinus congestion that was so severe, she couldn't even breathe while sleeping. When given the choice between taking in air and taking in Z's, she chose the former. So between giving her fever medication and sucking out her nose, wiping it clean and coating it with vaseline, I didn't get much sleep either. By Thursday, she was so pitiful and I was so exhausted, I finally caved and took her to the doctor.

I absolutely love SB's pediatrician, but I would rather have forks jabbed in my ear while watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond than spend the day in the doc's waiting room with a room full of snotty kids and oblivious parents who are too busy tuning out the same old Barney episode that is blaring from the grainy television to notice their kids dripping mucus all over my kid, who I am desperately trying to protect from everyone else's germs. So I tried to make an appointment.

My one o'clock appointment turned into a three hour wait to see the LPN, who told me that the swab they so savagely dug out of SB's nasal cavities were negative for the flu virus, but she still thought SB might have the flu. I was so glad they subjected us to (and charged us for) that useless test. I was too worn out to put up much of a fight when she also told me after a quick peek in SB's ears that a double ear infection was also on the menu for the day and maybe a shot might be in order.

First of all, how do these people even diagnose an ear infection? They look in her ears and say, "Oh, it's red in there. Must be infected. Here is an antibiotic." Secondly, if she already has the flu, why are we getting a shot now? I wasn't convinced she had the flu, neither was I totally sold on the idea of a double ear infection, but I'm not the MD here. I'm sorry, I mean LPN. I also was not totally coherent at the time, and I probably would have bought magic beans from the lady had she told me they would make everything all right. So we did what they told us to do and bought all the medicine they prescribed and gave everything according to the dosage.

Well, almost according to the dosage. I accidentally quadrupled her cold medicine, resulting in a long night of worrying about brain damage while I tried to tame my drunken 2-year-old. In a panic, I called my pharmacist brother and probably woke him up to tell him what I'd done. After he laughed at me and called me an idiot (he loves me so very much) he told me not to worry but not to do anything so stupid ever again. We survived the night, in case you are wondering. She slept off her buzz and was able to recite her ABC's close enough the next morning to assure me that she had no permanent brain damage.

I'm not sure if it was the antibiotic or the stomach bug that had been passing through the families of all of our friends, but just as the congestion was clearing up, SB got a bad case of diarrhea that lasted for about 4 days. Thank the Lord that by that time, I had caught SB's cold. I have never been so thankful for a clogged sniffer.

We finally cleared the diarrhea stage, and my cold finally seemed to be subsiding. We were feeling better for the weekend and were looking forward to the sunshine that had been forecasted. My cousin and her husband were planning to come take in some baseball with us, and my brother was kind enough to share some tickets for the Saturday game.

We had dinner Friday night with Jack's grandparents, and I promptly left my purse at their house. We were halfway home on the 30 minute drive when I realized the error. Did I mention the baseball tickets for the next day were in there? We decided against turning around since SB was already way past her bedtime and already whining about something. Thank God we didn't turn around because as we turned into our neighborhood, SB let loose with a geyser of vomit that would have made Old Faithful spew green with envy.

I think that night was the longest of my life. Jack and I split cleaning duties. Between the car, the carseat, SB's clothes, blanket, bunny and SB herself, we spent a good hour cleaning the first burst before the second one came. On a related note, if anyone has any tips on how to rid a car of vomity smell, please email me at redwoodemily@hotmail.com.

I offered to take the night shift, since one of us was going to have to get some sleep in order to take care of SB the next day. I sat up in the hallway outside her room until midnight and was able to figure out that SB started coughing just a few seconds before each puke was coming. She threw up every hour like clockwork until about 2 am, then about every 30 minutes until 4. Jack mercifully took over after that.

After cleaning up throw up all night, I felt like I was ready to heave ho myself the next day. I stayed in bed and took an anti-nausea pill that knocked me out. I never did Benock (throw up), but I wished all day that I could so I would feel better.

Jack spent the whole day taking care of me and SB. After we went to bed, Jack cleaned the whole upstairs: dusting, vacuuming, dishes, laundry. He is the best. Also, Mary Beth brought me a banana popsicle, and her kindness healed me. She had to scour the town and almost gave up when she spotted a box of variety popsicles that included banana. Why doesn't anyone sell banana pops anymore??

Anyway, we are all better over here now. At least, we seem to be that way. Hang out with us at your own risk.

Jeffrey Osbourne and his Wings of Love

2010-03-02T08:57:00.003-06:00

Ok I wouldn't normally post about this, but I have to admit I got sucked in by ABC's sensitive pilot "good guy," and I have been flying high on the wings of love all season. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, just stop reading now. For the rest of you who were with me glued to the tv screen every Monday night (or Tuesday morning for the tivo fans), let's talk bachelor.

I'm not going to recap the whole season, but let's face it, Jake was quite a disappointment. Sure, who wouldn't want a sensitive, caring pilot who could whisk you away to some exotic Caribbean island on a whim? He's nice looking, sweet, and he "leads with his heart," as he told us oh so many times. Oh wait, did I mention that he has tear ducts that rival Niagara Falls? Yeah. Not cool, Jake. Not cool. No woman wants a man that cries more than she does. Also, he's a pilot, but he is afraid of heights. (Remember the sob fest that ensued when he was about to bungee jump?)

All that aside, I was still engrossed for the entire season. And last night was the first time I watched in real time. I typically let the DVR record it for me, then I can fast forward through all the recaps, commercials and crying. But Jack was gone last night, and I had nothing else to do from 7-10, so I suffered through the entire episode.

After his parents fell in love with Tenley, Jake brought in Vienna, and boy were they unimpressed. He has not been very good at hiding his emotions (cue the tears), and his feelings toward both the finalists were no exception. He obviously liked V way more than Ten. But his family's opinion is everything to him!!! Also, we now get to find out where Jake gets his tear ducts from, as his father was crying most of the time.

After V's extremely awkward visit with the folks, during which she insulted Jake's sister in law by telling her she was a little it fat, and told them that Jake was ok but not that great, the producers wrote out a script for his family to read: "After getting to know her, I like Vienna." They all said that to the camera, and Jake was relieved that since he had his family's approval, he could now choose Vienna to join him on the wings of love.

However, he was under contract to act like he was torn between both girls until the final rose ceremony, so ABC ramped up the drama.

Jake picked out two rings, named them, spent some time with them and let them speak to him.

Jake: I just don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if my heart can live with the decision I have to make. This is just so hard. Journey and connections. I've made my decision, and I KNOW that I've made the right choice.

That was quick. So he dumps Ten (no surprise there, unless you are Tenley), and then she makes it really hard for him to get rid of her so he can make out with V. Oh yeah, and he cries. His heart is just hurting bc he loves Ten so much, but he really wants to make out with V some more. He finally extricates himself from Ten's grasp, with a little help from the producers and the ABC bouncer, then runs for the balcony for the agony shot. As the helicoptered camera zooms away from Jake's distraught face, he hangs over the balcony for the contract-required 15 seconds and covers his face with his hands. And he cries (which he was not under contract to do).

Five minutes after the heartbreak of his life.........well, second heartbreak of his life, he is ready to propose to the woman of his dreams: A cross-eyed hooters waitress with a bad bleach job and fake you know whats, who has an extremely uncomfortable relationship with her father. First Jake gives her back the "I promise not to elope again" ring that her father gave her after she ran off with and then divorced her teenaged boyfriend, and then a close up of the Neil Lane engagement ring, and then together they fly high on the wings of love, a la Jeffrey Osbourne. Haven't we heard this song somewhere before? And Jake cries.

Immediately after the teary proposal, ABC takes us to the studio where Jake and V are finally reunited. But first Jake has to confront Ten, the poor sweet girl he shoved off his wings of love. She didn't make it easy for him (again) and wouldn't let go of the fact that he just wasn't attracted to her. She really wanted him to say it, but he skirted around it pretty well. With a few well-placed tears. Again, the producers and the ABC bouncer were called in during the commercial break to extricate Tenley from the set so V could come out and show off her ring and show how funny and sweet she was. Jake and V talked about how happy they were and then ABC had a big surprise for them:

A special guest was in the studio! And he was going to sing just for them! How romantical.

So ABC brought out Jeffrey Osbourne to sing "On the Wings of Love" to Jake and V while they danced on the stage and the audience quietly reached for their studio provided barf bags. Turns out Jeffrey Osbourne is a skinny old black man, not the pudgy teenage son of Sharon and Ozzy. Who knew?

After the song, they went back to commercial so the audience could clean the vomit off their shirts and Jake could clean the Vienna off his face.

Then they announced the new Bachelorette. Shocker alert: it's Ali. And she wants 50 guys instead of 25. Chris Harrison told her not to be so greedy. She made a pouty face.

It's gonna be a good season. Who wants to help me keep a pouty face count??

Also, I missed Jake on Good Morning America today, but he is definitely a Dancing with the Stars contestant this season. I've never cared about that show, and I certainly won't start now. I did, however, catch Kate Gosselin on the segment right after Jake, and she is going to be on Dancing also. She was live via satellite with her hot dancing partner, and it looks like she's over John! They were goo goo eyes all over each other and it was weird. Until the hot dancing partner gave a shout out to his wife. Then it was more weird.

But I digress. That's all I have for today. I hope you've enjoyed the wings of love as much as I have.

In an effort to prevent spam...

2010-02-10T11:40:00.000-06:00

You will now have to complete the word verification process to leave a comment on my blog. Don't worry. It is quick and painless!

I've made a huge mistake

2010-02-10T11:13:00.001-06:00

Apparently by blasting the investing scam people two posts below, I have opened myself up to a whole host of blog comment spam. Anyone know how to stop this? Do I just have to disallow anonymous comments? I really don't want to have to verify each comment before it appears on here. Any tips?

I'll be helpful when I'm dead

2010-02-03T18:18:00.000-06:00

Ahhh, the industrious nature of city workers. Just puts a smile on my face and a page on my blog.

I recently made a jaunt to the local courthouse to update my expired license plate sticker. A few jaunts, to be exact. On the fourth attempt, I was finally successful.

The following excerpt is a transcript of an actual encounter between myself and a city employee, hereafter referred to as CE. It has been edited for time, content and obscene language.

ME: Hi, I'd like to get a new sticker for my license plate please.
CE: License plate number.
ME: My license plate number, yes. Here it is.
CE: This be expired.
ME: Yes, ma'am. I'd like to renew it.

At this point, she verifies my address. She gives me the address we had 3 years ago. I have updated it every year since we moved, because obviously I have renewed my license plate every year. But they still haven't gotten it right. So we fixed that (again).

Then she says the car is registered under my dad's name and is that correct? Again, the car has been in my name since 2006, when we finished paying it off. But whatever, they've been busy. I tell her the car is mine and should be in my name, and I guess I look like a dirty, rotten liar and thief, because she says she needs to see the title before she can make that change and renew my license plate. Whatever. The next day I return with the title.

We run through the license plate number, and again she makes the startling yet flat declaration, "This be expired."
ME: Yes, ma'am. I need a new sticker.
CE: Address?

I give her our address. She frowns as she studies the screen.

CE: That ain't what this says.
ME: Really? That's interesting because I just gave it to you yesterday. What do your records say?

She reads me our old address and looks at me as if to say, "quit playin'. who you tryin' to fool?"

ME: That is our OLD address. Our NEW address, the one I gave you yesterday is the correct one. Would you mind changing it in your records please?
CE: Ok, Ms. Murphy--

At this point, we almost get into an argument about what my name is NOW versus what is used to be before I was married. I present the car title, which is in MY name, my current name, signed over to me by my father. She studies it for a minute and frowns while tapping her extra long neon orange fingernail on the counter.

CE: This say 2006.
ME: Yes, it does.

Very good, she can read.

CE: It 2010.
ME: Yes it is.

Very good, she knows what year it be.

CE: Well, then you behind.

I'm very confused at this point. She proceeds to explain to me that since the car has been mine since 2006, I owe a lot of back payments or taxes or renewal fees or whatever from 2006 to 2010. I should have registered the car as mine in 2006, when it became mine. I told her that I had indeed done that and remembered bringing the title to her office in previous years due to similar situations to the one we were in now. She didn't believe me.

Funny, I asked her, if I never registered the car as mine, how the heck did she think I got a renewal sticker on my license plate every year since then until now? She didn't know. I had a pretty good idea and wanted to tell her so, but I managed to somehow keep my tongue in check.

It was going to cost a lot more than I was prepared to pay in order to get the fees up to date, and I certainly didn't think that their incompetence should cost me any more than I had already paid. So I left before the situation escalated.

I needed some time to cool off and a stiff drink to help me unwind.

Thankfully, the stars aligned for me and someone else was on duty when I went back the next day. I can only assume that the woman I had spoken with previously was either having her nails relaquered or had been promoted. However, God smiled on me this day and a nice, cheerful, well-dressed woman made a helpful suggestion: Change the date on the car title to today's date. No late payments necessary! But of course I would have to get some paperwork notorized in order to change the date.

SO a quick trip to my dad's office to pick him up, then to the bank to get our signatures notarized, then back to the courthouse to present all the necessary documents. Just one last thing that she needed before we could finalize the process....my current address. Which still wasn't correct in their computer system. Lord have mercy.

My check is in the mail

2010-01-22T10:16:00.004-06:00

Just signed on and noticed a new comment on my last post. Isn't that such an exciting feeling? Someone posted a comment!! I hurried to check it and this is what I found:

Anonymous said...

Hello!
You may probably be very interested to know how one can make real money on investments.
There is no need to invest much at first.
You may begin to get income with a sum that usually goes
for daily food, that's 20-100 dollars.
I have been participating in one company's work for several years,
and I'll be glad to let you know my secrets at my blog.

Please visit blog and send me private message to get the info.

P.S. I earn 1000-2000 per day now.

http://theinvestblog.com [url=http://theinvestblog.com]Online Investment Blog[/url]

Ok first of all, would I "may probably be very interested to know" anything from Anonymous? No. I wouldn't. Nor would I be interested in taking financial advice from someone who phishes for customers via blog comment posting sites. Nor would I be interested in giving Anonymous a sum that usually goes for daily food. But Anon does make one valid point, Who would have thought that one could actually make money via investing??

I laughed and just for fun, I went to the blog and noticed an email address for helentruths@gmail.com. Well, "truth" is in the title, so it must be valid, right?? Also, the name Helen inspires confidence that you are dealing with a female. Doesn't that make you feel a bit safer? AIM Trust is the company that Helen is hawking.

Let's start here, because this is just hilarious. The first post, entitled "True Story" so you know it's real.

http://theinvestblog.com/2009/hello-world/

Please read it. It made my day. Just in case you don't have time, I will sum it up for you. Her name is Helen, and she is divorced. She describes herself as lazy, and she said she was looking for something, not really a job, but some way to make money without doing anything.

"I was searching a job or something that would allow me to work less and to get much. And to get free time for my new partner, the man I had relations with. I wanted to look wealthy, or at least affluent in the eyes of my boy-friend."

She mentions her financial genius a few times, "my college in finances" and "my profession is finances" but let us not forget that she is lazy and never had a job period. Especially not in the financial realm. Despite her laziness, one web site, AIM Trust, she studied and studied and really looked into their background and knew that this was her golden ticket.

"My mind rolled at the opportunity and the intuition didn’t object. I trusted in it and made up my mind to get on it."

So she got on it. And only a few months later, her debts were a story of the past.

The investigative journalist in me couldn't stop here. I had to check out AIM Trust for myself.

First of all, the Google window offered a few suggestions when I typed in AIM Trust:
AIM Trust scam
AIM Trust online scam

I opted for just AIM Trust. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt, right?

I first checked their Web site for contact information: phone number, a real physical address, a name of a real person, etc.

The contact us page gave you an opportunity to send them a message. There is no address for this company, but they did give what I can only assume is a telephone number:

CONTACTS T. +46 18 495-6767 (4:00p.m. — 0:00a.m. GMT)

If your phone has a "T" and a plus sign on it, you can call them between the hours of 4 and 0 o'clock. This page also recommends you check out the FAQ page, which I did to my delight. The third question on their FAQ page: May I trust you?

They must get that a lot. The response? They explain that they are a legal entity and they are registered with a license. They also use the phrase, "to be or not to be" in there.

Q.4 "Do you have due diligence?"
A: "Yes, we do."

That was simple enough!

Q.11 "Can I visit the office?"
A. "No, you can't."

Q.12 "What is the office address?"
A. "Edif. Neptuno, Planta Baja, Ave. Ricardo J. Alfaro, Tumba Muerto, Ciudad de Panama, Republica de Panama"

I did not make that up. I copied and pasted directly from their FAQ page. No wonder you can't visit there. It's on planet neptune in panama!

Q.13 "Can I see any investment proof?"
A. I will sum up for them this time bc the answer here is a bit wordy with reference again to their license and the Joint Activities Agreement and Safe Asset Company and ends with a warning that by answering this question, they are perilously close to insider trading.

If you are still interested, Anonymous/Helen would be glad to let you know her secrets at her blog. But prepare yourself, because English is obviously not her first language. So visit blog and send private message, then you be on you way to make 1000-2000 per day.

A skating odyssey

2010-01-14T14:56:00.005-06:00

I got the call about 3:00 Saturday afternoon. A friend in need. Could she come over? I would have it no other way. A few hours later, three dear friends were knocking on my front door. And they had brought Little Dooey's for dinner! (Oh no! Amy, I forgot to pay you for that. I will mail you a check.)

Dinner was delicious, but crisis was the appetizer and disappointment the dessert. I had to act fast if we were going to bring good cheer back into the life of The Disappointed. So we popped open a bottle of good cheer and tried to make a plan. With the college students back in town, every place was sure to be packed on a weekend night. Where could we go? What could we do? The longer we sat around the table, the longer her face got.

Amid the discussion, one friend began lamenting the loss of her twenties. (Seriously, you're barely 26. You've got a few years left.) But it got me thinking. How can we go back? And then it hit me. I announced that I had a plan and was everyone wearing socks? No, we didn't go bowling and get tooters (next time, Carrie, I promise). Instead, we hit the road around 9 pm and headed for Skate Odyssey- the hippest, hottest preteen joint in town. What better way to reclaim one's youth?

Do any of us look sad to you? Nay.

It was just what the doctor ordered. How could anyone be sad while rolling around a giant concrete rink with neon laser lights flashing and "I'm here without B.N." playing?? Simply impossible. It was slightly overwhelming at first, as we were clearly out of place and terrified of being run over by 8-year-olds who were whizzing past us (backwards) with no regard for the elderly, but we finally got our feet under us with only one casualty.

I don't know if I should even mention air hockey, but I guess I just did. Did we play? Did I win? Yes and yes. If any of you out there are interested in getting waxed at air hockey, let me know. I can provide you with that service.

At the end of the night, after we were all complaining of sore knees, legs and shin splints (skating is hard work!), we cashed in our arcade winnings and got Sarah Beth some lovely prizes.

A fan and a necklace. Which she loved, by the way.

Anyway, I ended up having a great time. Hopefully you girls did too. Next time, I promise to take us somewhere a little more age appropriate. I love you!!!

I have great news

2010-01-14T14:42:00.002-06:00

Our state health officer died last month.

That's not the great news.

The great news is that now we have an interim health officer, and she is much more reasonable and much less cranky than her predecessor.

As many of you know, I have been working tirelessly in an effort to update our state's laws regarding vaccine requirements for school admission. We are the last state, as usual, to finally get with the program and give a little credit to our doctors when it comes to the health of our kids.

Without going on and on and on like I usually do with this topic, let me just say that the new health officer called one of the legislators that we have been working with to tell him that she is in charge now, and it is her show. And she is changing the state's policy regarding medical exemptions!!

Now in Mississippi, if your child's doctor requests a medical exemption from a vaccine, it will be granted!! Finally, we have caught up with the rest of the country in that area. It's nice to know that after all the work we have done over the past 2 years, they are finally coming around a little bit.

However, we still have a battle to get religious and/or philosophical waivers.

For those of you who care, we have a new bill which I think is a much better compromise from last years attempt. It was written by doctors and lawyers at Johns Hopkins, and I have a meeting next week with the Lt. Governor regarding this bill and (hopefully) where it will be referred.

I would also like to say hooray for Senator Gary Jackson, who has always been so kind to me and is filing this bill for us. Many of the senators I met with last year were very dismissive or downright rude, but Senator Jackson has consistently taken my calls and has been very supportive of what we are trying to do. (This guy even remembered the name of the neighborhood where I live!!) So Senator Jackson, when you get ready to run for reelection, let me know, and I will rally the troops!

Have a great day.

Since we last spoke

2009-12-21T14:12:00.005-06:00

I realize it has been far too long since I have posted. Far too long for me, in that blogging is very therapeutic and helps me to unload when feeling stressed out. The good news is that I have not been under a lot of stress lately, therefore the urge to blog has not been very strong.

Here are a few things that have transpired since my last post:

We started potty training. I threw out SB's diapers and bought "big girl pants." SB grasped the concept for about 2 weeks, then took a sabbatical.
We stopped potty training. I bought more diapers.

We moved SB to a big girl bed.
She started trying to give other people her big girl bed.

Here she has trapped my brother in law in her bed, covered him with her stuffed animals and then danced around him while Mickey Mouse played jingle bells.

We drove past KFC.
SB thinks my dad is Colonel Sanders and yells, "It's Bumps!" every time we drive past KFC.

My Dad wanted to be called "Gramps," in honor of his grandfather, but when the first grandchild started talking, "gramps" became "bumps." It just stuck.

I used Tilex again. Seriously, we only recently needed it for the second time since I first bought it. That stuff is gold, Jerry. Gold!

I filled up at a BP station, because they don't put any alcohol in their gasoline. I noticed a huge difference in my gas mileage when I drove to Jackson the next day. BP is my new tilex.

I went to Jackson to see some of my girlfriends from college. I realized during an intense game of Catch Phrase that I was long overdue for a vacation from SB. The word was "moose," and I tried describing the mountainous animal with horns every way I could before the timer expired. The beeping got faster and faster, and suddenly I remembered the beloved moose Tyrone from The Backyardigans. I yelled, "Tyrone! Tyrone!" while using my hands to make antlers on my head.

As the timer beeped its final beep and our team lost the point, I yelled in frustration, "Hasn't ANYONE seen the backyardigans?????"

You can imagine the looks I got from these people, most of them single, working professionals with no children - Emily B has a masters degree in biology, Amy is a nurse, Emily Y is med school, Deanna and Carrie are accountants, and Emily G and Jennifer are physical therapists. (I know, that's a lot of Emilys. We are everywhere!)

I chose a slightly different career path in motherhood and got my masters degree in childrens television. Thanks, girls, for still being my friend!!

Where is Dwight K Schrute when you need him?

2009-11-27T21:24:00.004-06:00

Did you hear about this??

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34173530/ns/politics-white_house

These two crazies strolled into the White House amongst invited guests last Tuesday and helped themselves to the President and his food. Why didn't I think of that?? Had I known no invitation was necessary, I might have done the same.

Apparently, gaining entry to the White House is only slightly less difficult than getting into an exclusive NY nightclub. Most VIP clubs toss you to the side if your name isn't on The List. But the White House? Obviously looking like you are supposed to be there is clearance enough.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi: See how important we are??

They are real life crashers, and Dwight would have bounced them.

It's Balloon Boy all over again, as the Salahis are (were) in the running to be "stars" in a new reality show. Maybe they should've checked with the Heene's before pulling their own publicity stunt. How'd that work out for you, Falcon?

I just got an email

2009-11-13T15:17:00.003-06:00

from Tilex.

They want to pay me thousands of dollars to advertise for them.

OK not really. But I did just get an email from them.

OK technically Jack got an email from them.

I have no idea how they got our email address OR our mailing address, because the header of the letter included Jack's full name and our address. I did not write Tilex a letter, and I'm sure Jack didn't either. That is kind of scary.

Do the Tilex people spend their days trolling the Web, looking for references to their products? Am I under consistent governmental surveillance? The only thing I can figure is that Vicky is a long-time, loyal blog reader and a huge fan of what I do.

Taking that into consideration, I will excuse the fact that she referred to JACK'S kind words and generous comments about Tilex and never made mention of me a single time. It's ok, Vicky. I forgive you.

Here is the letter:

Dear Mr. Redwood,

We appreciate your taking the time to share your kind words about Tilex Mold & Mildew Remover.

Knowing that you like our products is important, and we value the generous comments you have shared with us. Because the marketing specialists working on the development of these products also will enjoy hearing your opinion, I am forwarding your comments to them.

Again, thank you for letting us know that our efforts have been successful.

Sincerely,

Vicky Bullock
Consumer Response Representative
Consumer Services

They could have at least sent me a coupon.

Eureka!

2009-11-11T14:22:00.006-06:00

Which means, "I have found it."

This is it. The holy grail of cleaning supplies. I kid you not; I have been so excited all day that I couldn't wait to blog about this.

My shower has some kind of inherent defect that causes it to become filthy and disgusting over a very short period of time. I noticed yesterday that it had become disgusting again despite a heavy duty scrubbing a mere 2 weeks ago. I mean, seriously, how often do you have to scrub your tub??

I wish I had a "before" picture so that you could see the difference. Take my word for it; it was embarrassing. Even after a backbreaking 20 minute workout with comet and a follow up meeting with Scrubbing Bubbles, the corners of my tubby were still lightly stained brown. So gross, I know. But in the 2 1/2 years that we have lived with this shower, I had gotten used to and even accepted the fact that the corners would always be brown.

"Try Comet," my mother would say. "Let it sit on those stains for a little while, then attack with a toothbrush."

My mom's best friend.

I did just that on several occasions, and it worked pretty well. But not well enough.
My back? Aching.
My hands? Dry and cracked and arthritic.
Tub corners? Still brown.

My next stop was here:

A desperate attempt at whiteness.

Scrubbing Bubbles! They do the scrubbing for you! Well, that sounded just dandy to my poor hands and back. Spray it on, wipe it off, voila!

No dice.

My mother still insisted that comet would do the trick. Undoubtedly, I just wasn't scrubbing properly.

Well mother, it's time to wake up and smell the Tilex.

I bought some today in a desperate attempt to keep my shower from scumming up so fast. I remembered seeing commercials for this stuff ages ago. According to the commercials, you should spray it on your shower walls after each shower to keep it cleaner in between cleanings.

After a long morning of cleaning that shower, I was ready to try anything, so I picked up a bottle at the Mart. At home, I sprayed down the main wall and two corners of the shower and let it sit for a few minutes while I fixed SB some lunch. I returned to the bathroom a few minutes later, ready to scrub one more time. The sight that met my eyes at our bathroom door was enough to stop me in my tracks and drop my jaw to the floor.

I swear to you, that shower wall and corners were sparkling white and pristine like never before. I still can't believe it. I did a little happy dance and then made it rain Tilex all over that tub like a hurricane in New Orleans.

I don't know what's in that stuff, but to me it is pure gold. Due to its high rate of effectiveness, I would guess that it is probably toxic enough to burn a hole through the ozone layer, but how do I know if the ozone layer really ever existed in the first place? I've never seen it.

Jack came home for lunch, and the first thing I made him do was go into the bathroom and look at our shower. He was just as surprised but perhaps not as excited. He's never scrubbed that tub before though.

Mom, I can't wait until you come back over here. I am buying you a bottle of Tilex Mold and Mildew Killer today. You won't believe your eyes.

My new best friend

Seriously, if you know what is good for you, you will go out and buy some for yourself.

Please allow me to borrow from Etta James to help express my feelings for Tilex:

aaaaaat laaaaast,
my love has come along.
My scrubbing days are over!!!
And life is like a song...

Spoiler alert: Everyone on my Christmas list is getting Tilex this year.

Playing Dress Up

2009-11-09T14:24:00.005-06:00

SB's new favorite game? Playing dress up! The only problem is that one outfit is never enough. I was reminded of my little sister Mary Beth, who wore bathing suits every day of her life from age 3 until she was about 6. She often could not choose just one to wear, so she layered them, one on top of another, until she had on all of her bathing suits. SB has done just that with her dress up clothes almost every day this week.

Here she is wearing a ballerina leotard on her head with a hot pink princess dress around her waist and a white tutu on her rear end.

We also captured this video the other night. SB is on Day 3 of potty training, and after each successful trip to the bathroom, she demands a sucker or some M&Ms. She had been to the bathroom several times that afternoon, and by this point, she was on sugar overload. I think it's time to rethink the potty treats.

If only Jack had left the camera rolling for ten more seconds! She held her resting pose at the end of the video for several seconds after the camera stopped recording. This kid keeps us laughing.

Tinkerbell

2009-11-02T15:10:00.005-06:00

SB rocked Tinkerbell for Halloween this year.

We went to the downtown Pumpkinpalooza the week before Halloween. SB went nuts when she realized that her costume equaled candy. She wanted to wear her costume every day after that and eat suckers all day long. She got to wear it again on Saturday to go around the neighborhood.

Several of our friends brought their kids over to go out with us. At first SB was a little hesitant with so many kids running around and wanted to stay in her stroller. After a few houses, however, she got the point, and there was no turning back. Jack asked the kids if anyone needed more candy, and SB yelled "ME ME ME ME I DO I DO I DO!!" and took off running down the street. I wished that I had one of those kid leashes to keep up with her.

After (finally) getting her to bed, it was time to don my own costume. I present:

Flavor Flav, Pee Wee Herman and Mr. T

I was pretty disappointed that I could not find any fake gold teeth in this town. Not even at the costume shop! My homemade ones were more orange than gold but better than nothing I suppose. Unfortunately, I don't have a shot of Jack's shoes. He had the tall white platform shoes that Pee Wee wore in his great adventure.

We went first to a zombie party, but Mr. T made us so late that we missed most of the fun there. We still got to see a few zombies, but I didn't get a single picture!! What was I thinking?? Trust me, their costumes were great.

After that, we went to see a band. I won a prize for my costume, but the best part of the night was seeing all the other outfits. My favorites were Garth Vader (Garth Brooks with a Darth Vader mask), Billy Mays (the oxi clean guy) and the Slanket couple. Yes, there was a guy and a girl there in slankets and slippers, both carrying steaming mugs of hot cocoa. Genius. Wish I had thought of that.

Yeahhhhh Boy!

2009-10-31T09:25:00.003-05:00

Are you dressing up tonight? Jack and I have decided to go for it, since I have never done it before, and the last time we went to a costume party was six years ago, while we were dating. While Jack and I didn't dress up for that occasion, it was great fun going out and seeing all the costumes.

So we decided that this is our year. I will take pictures tonight and post them next week. But if you are still on the fence regarding your costume for this evening, here are a few ideas that I passed on in order to portray legendary hype man and reality star extraordinaire Mr. Flavor Flav.

Feel free to use any of these ideas, as they are all relatively easy to create on a last minute basis.

1. My top preference was Swine Flu, but I waited too late, and the costume shop didn't have a pig costume available. All you would really need is a pig nose and a pair of angel wings. Be sure to sneeze/oink a lot on people. If you are dressing up with a partner, he/she can go as the vaccine, which is certainly much scarier than the actual flu.

2.My second choice was The Bailout. Very simple to create with a business suit and tie. Make sure you have a bucket with you to ask people for handouts. Added accessories are optional but encouraged: a flashy, expensive watch; a large bonus check sticking out of your pocket; keys to your Porsche and so on.

3. A recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. You could dress up as pretty much anybody. Make sure to talk a lot about your ideas and say the word "change" a lot.

Have fun, stay safe and get lots of candy!

Coffee Talk

2009-10-19T14:56:00.006-05:00

There are a few things that I have been meaning to share with you lately. First of all, this guy:

Cash Now

I have seen him before, standing beside a major highway in front of this check cashing joint. Last time, he was dressed in the same Uncle Sam getup, but instead of a sign, he was waving a handful of dolla dolla bills. Unfortunately, I did not have my camer handy on that occasion. You can imagine my delight when I saw him a second time; I even made Jack turn around so we could go back and get a picture.

Unfortunately, Uncle Sam wasn't wielding any money that day. I guess the economy hit them hard too. The American flag is a nice touch, though. Cash Now. Truly the American way.

You don't need a bank to cash your payroll check. No job? No problem! They will gladly accept your car title instead.

I think the message here is clear: Stay in school, kids.

Topic Number Two: A foreboding piece of junk mail

This gem was waiting for me in my mailbox last month. In times of economic crisis, most people go to the mailbox hesitantly, dreading bills, past due notices and bank statements of poor report.

So this company took it one step further and went for the jugular, reminding us that hey, we're all gonna die. Don't sweat it! You've got enough to worry about, what with dying and all. So why not let us service your phone until you kick? We won't even make you sign a contract, because, let's face it, you'll probably be dead soon anyway.

Please notice the skeleton hand reaching out, pointing out the fact that you are, indeed, going to die.

The best part about this gimmick is that there are no gimmicks!!

That isn't photoshopped, folks. I don't have that program. (Thanks, Paint, for the red highlighter.)

Anyway, hope you enjoy your day. I mean, you better enjoy it while you can.

Him??

2009-10-09T08:45:00.003-05:00

Reuters: Breaking Ridiculous News:

Mr. President Obama has just been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

No, I'm not kidding. The committee said it was because of "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."
and "attached special importance to Obama's vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons."

He's an ideas man, people!

I also have a vision for a peaceful world. And it's my job too to promote cooperation between peoples. I give people a price for work, and then I promote them to cooperate with us and give us their money. Maybe I could win next year?

Obama said he felt humbled, Axelrod said he was stunned ( an emotion shared by the rest of the world), but after some digging, the press was able to find someone to congratulate him. They called his uncle. "We share in Barak's honor. We congratulate him."

Thanks Uncle!

Find out what it means to me

2009-10-07T20:56:00.007-05:00

Kids these days...they just don't have any respect for anyone. Case in point:

I went to Kroger a few days ago because I needed groceries. When I arrived, my mom called, so I stayed in my car to chat with her before going inside. As I was sitting there, I casually notice this girl pushing her cart toward the cart return. "Good for her," I think. Too many people are too lazy these days to even return their shopping carts and instead just leave them sitting in empty parking spaces. Am I the only one who gets ticked off when you see a great parking spot, only to have your excitement doused when you pull halfway in and realize some lazy-o has left their cart in the middle of your spot?? Especially when the spot is RIGHT NEXT to the cart return?? COME ON!!

I'm getting off track. So the girl, hereafter referred to as "The Culprit," is pushing her cart across the parking lot, toward the cart return, which is directly across from her spot and next to mine. I've used the Paint program on my computer to draw a map for you. This little visual aid will help you get the full effect of the story. Please look at it. It took me a very long time to do, and do you have any idea how hard it is to write with that little pencil function?

I suppose the first thing I would like for you to notice is the location of The Culprit in relation to the location of Cart Return. I used the yellow brush to highlight them both. The Culprit was so close to Cart Return, she had to use about as much energy to take her cart there as she did to run her hand through her hair and flip it over her shoulders.

One other vital piece of information is the fact that Cart Return is only open on one side. It was not the side facing The Culprit. As you can see by studying your visual aid, The Culprit had to invest about 10 more steps round trip to escort her cart around Cart Return and into the loading area. It was all too much for her. About halfway across the space between her car and mine, she ran out of time. So she shoved her cart toward the back of the return, but about 2 milliseconds later, the cart went rogue and you can guess where it landed.

Right smack dab into the passenger side of my car. The Culprit hears the impact. She spins and freezes in horror.

At this point, I'm thinking she has two options:

1. Run over and apologize profusely.

2. Run away and don't look back.

As she is frozen in horror, I am still sitting in my car, watching the entire scene unfold in front of my very eyes. I look up at her. She looks at me. Our eyes meet for a few long seconds. I prepare for option 1. I am looking at her; she sees me looking. She knows I have seen all. she has no choice but to take full responsibility. While I fully expect her to run over and apologize profusely, offer to pay for the damage and insist that she is a terrible person, she chooses option number 3, which up until that point, I didn't know existed. Oh, she ran. But she looked back.

She took a few quick steps toward her car, then peeked back at me. I am in shock at what is happening. She's about to come over to me, right?? Option 1 is still available. But nay.

She turns back around and breaks full force for the drivers seat of her car, only turning her head slightly once more to make sure I'm not chasing her. Then she proceeds to cirsumvent me by taking the looooooooooong way out of the parking lot. See below.

The blue line represents the normal exit route for any normal person leaving the parking lot. Her row is one way traffic only, and it doesn't lead toward the exit. So she had to double back. The yucky orange line shows the escape route The Culprit took. The exit is at the end of my row, but The dirty rotten Culprit is afraid I will get her license plate number and hunt her down if she drives past me. So she skips my row and drives alllll the way around the parking lot and exits behind Kroger instead.

Clever little Culprit. I can't get no respect. I was so mad; I didn't even know what to do! Can you believe someone would do that?? She looked right in my eyes and said, "forget this, I'm outta here!" Some nerve.

The Culprit makes Emily feel:

You would cry too if it happened to you

2009-10-07T20:21:00.004-05:00

I guess it's just been one of those days. A long one of those days. We had a wonderful vacation last week with Jack's family. A week long beachfest that ended much too quickly. We arrived home to a million messages from people needing our services. The past three days have been a complete blur. Returning calls, scheduling appointments, drafting estimates, invoices and roof reports.

Here is just one example of someone I dealt with over the phone today:

Me: Hello.

Her: Yeah, uh, do ya'll be doin' the roofing?

Me: Yes ma'am, we do.

Her: Ok, well, do ya'll do them free estimates? (pronounced estiMATEs)

Me: Yes ma'am, we do.

Her: Ok, how much you charge to come on out and see 'bout my roof?

Me: We do free estimates ma'am. There is no charge. What is your address?

She gives me an address, but I cannot understand her. I got the number, but I ask again for the name of her street and she says something like Ishcort, so I ask her to spell it. Instead of spelling the name of her street, she YELLS it into the phone.

ISH.....CORT!...and again for good measure....IIIIISSSHHH COOOOORRRRTTT

Then she proceeds to tell me which street it is "off of."

Well, thank you. That was helpful.

After we got off of the phone, I pulled up mapquest and searched streets around the street it was "off of" and finally found a street that sounded like ishcort. I hope it was the right one.

As if I didn't already have enough going on, our mortgage was sold yet again, this time to Bank of America. They haven't received our last 2 payments, because we sent them both to our old mortgage company. Apparently this transaction took place months ago, but Bank of America didn't see fit to let us know about it until they realized they weren't getting paid. They also didn't have a copy of our homeowner's insurance policy, and I received a letter saying they were just going to go ahead and buy some for us (from themselves) and charge it to our account. Lovely.

After an hour on the phone cleaning up that mess, going back and forth between Bank of America and our insurance company, I got a welcome break from a friend who had brought me lunch. We got to visit for about 2 minutes before Jack called with more work for me to do. While talking to him, I get call waiting from a customer. Then Jack calls right back to tell me that I need to leave the house right then and go open our storage unit so our supply company could drop off some materials.

So much for my lunch break. I had to run another errand, then got back late for SB's nap so she was cranky. I blew right through nap time working at the computer, then it hit me around 4:30 that Jack had invited a friend over for dinner. I run upstairs to clean up the house and start cooking.

Please tell me that you would have made the same mistake:

These two containers, while appearing identical, hold very different ingredients. I finished making dessert, put it in the oven, then I thought, "hmm...I should sprinkle a little cinnamon on top." So I pulled it back out of the oven (if only I had left well enough alone!!) and proceeded to sprinkle away.

Suddenly I froze in mid-sprinkle. That red powder did NOT look like cinnamon.

It wasn't.

Chili powder friendship bread, anyone?

To top it all off, I put SB to bed a little while ago and came downstairs to unwind. I just got a text from Jack, who is upstairs in the living room, right next to SB's room.

"Your daughter is up here screaming for mama."

I need a raise.

Happy Dahday

2009-09-16T15:23:00.001-05:00

Two weeks ago, we celebrated Sarah Beth's second birthday. I cannot believe my little girl is two years old!

Due to a long, lingering case of the flu, we didn't plan a giant celebration complete with 20 toddlers. I wasn't honestly thrilled with that idea anyway. We just had family over for hamburgers and ca-cakes, with a few rounds of the birthday song thrown in for SB.

And I do mean a few. We had to sing the song about 4 times before SB was truly satisfied. She loved opening her presents, especially the markers and paint set from Uncle Philip and Aunt Corrie, which I promptly put into the top of her closet to remain until she is at least 6 years old. She got to keep the crayons. Her other favorite present seemed to be the play kitchen we got her. However, when we opened it up, we found a thousand tiny, flimsy little plastic pieces. They weren't joking about assembly required. That one went back to Wal Mart.

Poor SB. Sounds cruel, right? We will get her another one. Thankfully, Tom and Nat saved the day with a pair of shoes. Seriously, she has worn them almost every day since. She is female, through and through. Purses and shoes are two of her favorite things.

The shoes

I told her last week that we were going shopping. She sucked in a deep breath of joy and exclaimed, "I want clothes and shoes!"

Blogger isn't having a great day today, so here are just a few photos from the big day.

Birthday cacake

Having fun with Uncle Tom and Aunt Nat

Caroline and SB with birthday umbrella.

It's a dachshund!

And so it begins

2009-09-05T09:17:00.001-05:00

Another year of football. Today we kick off our season against Jackson State. I hope we win! Look for me on TV. The game is on ESPNU.

Go Bulldogs!

Flu Shot Addendum

2009-09-05T09:05:00.004-05:00

Thanks to an anonymous tipster, I did not clarify that the name of the live flu vaccine is FluMist. If you are like me and don't like getting shots of any kind, you might think this nasal spray is a great idea. It isn't.

And to clear up any possible confusion, this isn't a medical journal. It's a blog. My verbage isn't always technically correct. To clarify, technically, the words shot and vaccine are not interchangeable. I did use them in that way in my last post. My deepest and most sincere apologies. You can get a flu vaccine without getting an actual shot with a needle (FLUMIST nasal spray). But I wouldn't recommend either of them.

And next time I will proofread.

Swine Flu Update

2009-09-03T14:44:00.004-05:00

We're not dead. As it turns out, the flu is not deadly after all. Thanks, mainstream media!

After a rough weekend, Jack and I both started feeling better, and Wednesday was our first day back on the job. We felt recovered by Tuesday, but took one extra day just in case. Nobody wants flu germs.

Just to be clear, we did not see a doctor, nor were we tested for the actual swine flu virus. However, I can assure you that what we suffered was indeed the flu, swine or otherwise. (I'm still relying heavily on the use of my asthma inhaler.) A lot of bad press has been given to the "swine flu." Let me clear things up: H1N1 is just another new strain of the flu virus. It causes the same symptoms, lasts the same amount of time and it is not the plague. The swine flu is just the flu with a piggy name.

I was told that the on campus health clinic at MSU has stopped testing for swine flu, due to the emergence of another brand new flu strain! Many swine flu cases were confirmed on the MSU campus within the last few weeks. All these sick kids kept coming in with the same symptoms, but only half of them tested positive for the pig virus. Doctors believe this is due to a newly mutated flu virus. I don't know which one we caught, but it was nasty for a few days.

Buyer Beware

On my way home yesterday, I saw a sign in front of Walgreens:

FLU SHOTS NOW AVAILABLE

How wonderful. Now you can go and get your flu shot at your local Walgreens. I bet what they won't tell you is that:

a. the flu shot is only made against a few strains of the flu virus. Every year, health officials travel south of the border to see which flu strains are wreaking havoc on our South American friends. Then they figure the same strains will probably hit us in a few months. So they make a vaccine against the few prevalent South American strains. If you catch one of the other strains, too bad too sad.

b. The current flu shots are completely ineffective against the newer flu strains (including the swine variety.)

c. The flu shots are loaded with mercury.

d. One of the flu shots is a live vaccine, so you might get a mild case of the flu afterwards. Too bad too sad. I'm told there is a no money back policy.

Still want one? Opt out while you still have a chance. Soon most of us won't even have the option.

Your best case of avoiding the flu? Wash your hands you dirty person! Keep alcohol based hand sanitizer handy, and use some every time before you touch your face. You shouldn't be touching your face anyway. That is how the flu is mostly spread. And if you do catch it, for heaven sakes, stay away from me!

Pigs Do Fly

2009-08-28T14:41:00.004-05:00

I suppose they will have to come up with a new saying. It just doesn't carry the same connotation anymore.

Earlier this week, a pig flew over our house and dropped a lovely little H1N1 present down upon us. Sarah Beth ran a fever for a few days, and then Jack started coughing. He woke me up early this morning:

Jack: I think I have a fever.

Me: Okay. I'm real sorry.

Jack: Do we have a thermometer?

Me: Yeah, somewhere.

Jack: Will you go get it?

Me: Do you really have to know how high it is? I mean, can't you just take some medicine?

Jack: Will you go get me some medicine?

Being the loving, patient, compassionate wife that I am, I groaned and rolled out of bed, grumbling all the way to the kitchen. I threw some pills at him and got back into bed.

Throughout the morning, his cough worsened and so did his discomfort. I took SB out for a while, to get the bare necessities: cough drops, popsicles and chicken soup. While at Wal Mart, I started feeling a little rotten. By the time I got home from the Wal, my legs and head were aching, and I started feeling a little sorry that I had been so flippant with Jack's early morning complaints.

Jack called Uncle Doctor and described his symptoms, including the throbbing pain, dizziness and trouble seeing that he had attributed to a migraine.

After a brief, over the phone consultation, his uncle delivered the verdict. It's probably swine flu.

Fan freaking tastic.

So I thought I would take a minute and say my goodbyes. Since we probably only have hours left to live.

Goodbyes.

Everyone Loves a Slanket

2009-07-08T15:39:00.005-05:00

Claire.

Seriously?

You don't know what a slanket is? I'm disappointed in you. For Claire and the rest of the uneducated population out there, a slanket is a blanket....

wait for it...

with sleeves.

Or to help you better understand the concept: a sleeved blanket. Erego, a slanket. Ever heard of the Snuggie? It's like that, only better.

One hand for the remote, one hand for your drink.

Jack modeling his birthday slanket

I am sure you have all seen the commercials advertising the Snuggie. In case you haven't, I'll set the scene for you:

Open into a cozy living room setting, an elderly lady snuggling up on the couch with a book, covered by a warm blanket. It's a peaceful scene; all is well with the world, and Grandma is really digging that book she is reading.

Then, the phone rings, and what happens next is like something out of a horror movie. It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car.

So the phone rings, and all of a sudden, Grandma's life is thrown into an uproar. Hold on, they aren't selling phone silencers, just wait. Granny is flailing left and right, desperately trying to free her arms from the devil blanket. It's just so confining, WHY CAN'T SHE GET HER ARMS FREE??????????

The phone is ringing, and she can't get to it! Alas! She has freed herself, but now her hair is a mess, she's lost her book and worst of all, her arms are cold! I'd hate to be the person on the other end of that line because Granny is LIVID.

Cut to an eerily familiar scenario. It's like deja vu. There is Grandma, cozily reading on the couch, and she is happy again. THEN THE PHONE RINGS. Uh oh. The audience smells trouble in paradise. But not this time!

Because Granny has the snuggie, all of her problems are over. It's a blanket with sleeves! She can comfortably read on the couch, but when she needs to take that phone call about her friend's hip replacement surgery, her hands are free, arms are warm, and that blasted blanket has been thrown to the dogs.

The commercial ends with a whole family of Snuggie wearers, from Grandma to preteen, all happily smiling and hands free. They are a real treat for the whole family (one size fits all).

I seriously wanted to recreate that commercial with my video camera for you. I gave it some real thought, but if you check youtube, you can find plenty of snuggie commercials for your viewing entertainment.

After viewing the commercial several times, we heard a joke about a similar item (the slanket) on one of our favorite shows. Any 30 Rock fans out there? So as a gag birthday gift, Jack's brother Rob went to 8 different Walgreens and finally came out with a pair of slankets for Jack and me.

But Rob didn't know the gag would be on him! As it turns out, the slanket is a most wonderful thing. I wear mine nightly, and it keeps me so cozy and warm. Now Jack and I are the ones laughing as we like to nightly think about Rob freezing his arms off on his couch, while we snuggle away under our slankets.

But who knows, Rob's birthday is only a few weeks away. Maybe he'll get a slanket of his own. And I still might make a commercial.

Locks of Love and a Little Slanket

2009-07-07T07:13:00.003-05:00

Yes I did, and yes I was.

To clear up a few questions from my last post:

1. Yes, I cut my hair. It is shorter than it has ever been. We are dealing with the situation.
2. Yes, I was wearing a slanket during our slumber party, as I do most evenings. Don't hate.

First of all, the haircut.

This is my hair on the morning of Friday, June 27. Long, heavy, lumpy mass of trouble. I was so tired of it constantly being in my way, and it has been just too hot to bear this summer. I haven't cut my hair (except for the occasional trim) since high school, and it was time. So when Jack hit the road last weekend, I hit the salon.

As I mentioned before, it's been a while since I have had my hair cut short, and Jack has always preferred it long. I told him in passing that I might get it cut while he was gone, if I got too bored, and he said, go ahead. So I blame him.

I told my stylist, Misty, I wanted to cut it all off, and that she could send it to Locks of Love. For those of you who aren't familiar, LOL is a charity that takes your unwanted hairs and gives it to cancer patients who can't grow their own. I hope my lumpy mass will make someone very happy.

So there I was, in the chair. She whipped my hair up into a ponytail and asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. Yes?

She poised her scissors above the ponytail holder, and caught my eye in the mirror one last time. A slow grin crept over her face, as though she understood the gravity of the situation, asking for one last "go ahead" before she took my ponytail away.

"Are you ready for this?"

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, and she took that as a yes. Five minutes later, she had finally managed to saw through my thick, coarse mane, and she was triumphantly holding the ponytail formerly attached to my head up like an Indian chief with his first scalp. I wish I had taken a picture of that. It was over a foot long and looked so strange detached from my head. My hair was a mess. I went into mild shock, but after a few minutes on the bag, I was stable enough to style.

She began cutting even more, and things began to even out. By the time she was done, another pound of my hair was lying scattered carelessly on the floor around my throne. I walked out of there feeling about 10 pounds lighter. Probably not a bad estimate, although I haven't yet been on the scales to confirm.

Misty did a fantastic job, exactly what I told her I wanted. However, I'm still deciding if that was a great idea. I thought long hair was a pain, but you can always throw it up in a ponytail. Now my dead ponytail is lying in a box somewhere awaiting a new head and I'm stuck with something I cannot style.

Slowly, I'm learning. I placed a 911 call to my cousin, Dees, who came right over and helped me fix it the day after I cut it. And she brought me a Bops to ease the pain. Then my little sister, who is way more stylish than I will ever be, threw in her two cents with a curling iron a few days later. Although much shorter, my hair is still very lumpy and will not always cooperate. It tends to rebel in the back, where I have much less control over it, but at least I can't see that part, so as long as I can fix the front, I'll just wear a hoodie.

Slumber Party!

2009-07-04T15:33:00.010-05:00

Jack went out of town last weekend, so Sarah Beth and I had the house all to ourselves. Everything was going swimmingly until the second night when I tried to put SB to bed. She revolted. It was awful. She was sobbing,

"I wanna go night night mama!"

Interpretation: "Mom, if it's alright with you, I would like to sleep with you in your bed tonight."

This pitiful cry went on for over ten minutes before I caved. Jack was out of town, and I figured I could use the company. So I rescued her from her white wooden prison and carried her back to the couch with me for some cuddle time.

It wasn't until an hour and a half later that I looked at the clock and realized how late it was. Almost 9:30, and SB, who normally goes to bed by 8, was still wide awake and grinning from ear to ear.

I looked at her and asked,

"Are we having a slumber party?"

SB: "Mmm Hmm."

Me: "Well then, we need some midnight snacks!"

SB wanted to put on her favorite pajamas, which are way too hot for summer. However, we were having our first slumber party, and I felt it was only fair that she get to wear what she wanted. So we put on the hot pink footed flannel pjs, and I left them unzipped so she wouldn't sweat to death. She was so happy, she gave me a big kiss.

When I asked what kind of yummies she wanted, she yelled, "I want cheese!" and did a little dance around the kitchen.

SB excitedly shows off her cheese.

I opted for M&Ms, which I naturally had to share.

In the kitchen getting yummies. SB in the hot pink footies, me in the slanket.

When our chick flick was over, it was after ten. I realized I might have gone a little overboard with the M&Ms when I noticed SB trying to nosedive off the couch:

doing acrobatics on the loveseat:

and getting as close to my face as possible while jabbering incoherently about Bunny and Puppy.

I finally got her settled down, and she went almost willingly to sleep in her own bed by 11. I think our first slumber party was a huge success.

One More Redwood

2009-06-17T14:24:00.004-05:00

I have some news. I've delayed telling for a while because I wanted to be sure.

But it's official.

Our family just got a tiny bit bigger. The news came as a surprise, but I am adjusting well, and the rest of our family is very happy about it.

Our little guy is small now, but he's growing every day. We have been to the doctor, and he said all is well, so it looks like our little guy has found a home.

Our new puppy, George Oscar Bluth, Gob for short.

You didn't think I was pregnant did you?? Heavens, no.

When Jack knocked on the door a few weeks ago, I thought he must have forgotten his keys. When I opened the door, I realized it was his mind that he had lost. He was holding a tiny ball of mangy, flea infested fur. I knew Jack wouldn't be bringing home a cat, so I assumed the lumpy mass was a dog, although my first guess was a baby hyena.

Jack: I brought home a friend for Oskey!

Me: No.

Jack: His name is Gob. Isn't he cute?

Me: No.

Jack convinced me to let it stay over the weekend to just see if we liked him. However, I insisted on an emergency vet visit. After being cleared by Dr. Smith, Gob had none of the nasty diseases I had been certain he was carrying like mange or rabies, it looked like I might not have a way out.

After the weekend and the vet bill, however, I felt like we had invested enough in the thing, and we might as well keep it. He's growing on me, for sure, and SB is thrilled that her puppy action has now doubled. She calls him "Bob" and asks about him every day. "Where's Bob?"

Gob (Bob) and Oscar: Best friends

Steve Wells: the Man, the Myth, the Photographer

2009-06-09T16:49:00.008-05:00

Last weekend, Jack and I got to spend a little bit of time with one of Jack's best friends from high school. I've known Steve Wells for several years now, and I have forgiven him for not so discreetly writing "Jack don't do it" on a dry erase board during our rehearsal dinner.

Steve is a great guy, hilarious and lots of fun. Whenever we get together with all of Jack's buddies from high school, I always ask, "Is Steve going to be there?" If so, then you know it's going to be a party.

I got to see a different side of Steve on Saturday, when he whipped out his camera and went to work on SB. I knew photography had been a hobby of his for quite some time now, but he recently quit his job to go full time. I think it was a great decision.

He lives in Panama City Florida, but his family is still in Columbus, MS, so he is in the area every now and then if you need a good photographer. I know we are definitely going to get him to do this for us again in the fall.

If only I had known we were going to have a photo shoot, I would have cleaned Sarah Beth up a little bit after lunch and put a bow in her hair!! Her face was a MESS, hence the black and white close up pics. I still think the pictures he took turned out great, except for the family shots, which wasn't his fault as you will see.

SB didn't cooperate fully for the family photos.

You can see more of his work here. It's just pictures of SB. I am sure he has a web site, and I will post the link when I get it from him.

Thirty Love Jack

2009-06-01T14:48:00.014-05:00

Jack woke up early on May 16 this year. It was a big day for him. Thirty years old. We had been planning for weeks, and Jack turned up the pressure to make his 30th one to remember.

I think we succeeded. If you missed the party, shame on you. For the 35-40 people who did make it, it was a crawfish extravaganza that shan't soon be forgotten.

We started the party off right with a giant batch of crawfish, and the recipe got better as the night progressed.

The weather didn't stop us, as our neighbors generously donated a couple of tents for the occasion. It rained off and on for most of the day, and our carpet took the brunt of the punishment, but the rain did little to deter our plans.

Jack only pretended to be offended at the shirts I made for a few lucky partygoers. I took our favorite school picture of Jack from when he was about 13 years old, added a clever title

Sorry the quality is so poor. I didn't get a close up photo until after the party, when the shirt had been washed.

and we paraded out in front of the crowd to Jack's feigned dismay.

As you can see, he really did love the final product.

I also put together a rather embarrassing slide show of Jack growing up, complimented with a few great photos of myself, but lucky for Jack, his guests never got to see it, since I forgot to show it!! Trust me, it was great.

Special thanks to all of the out-of-towners who made the drive to help us celebrate.

The Jollys

The Hollemans before the party got started

Rob came all the way from New Orleans and Allen from Columbus

Joey (since we're counting Columbus)

The McNeeses (how did they get away without a photo???)

Rob J. and Beau

and all the ones I have forgotten. I would also like to thank everyone who came prepared with a toast. Jack's brother Rob made a fantastic video from footage he shot during the party and all of the stories you shared behind Jack's back.

From getting lost while driving to Louisville to get the crawfish to scrubbing our carpet the next day, the evening in between was well worth all of the effort. I hope everyone who came had as much fun as we did!

Only a few crawfish were psychologically tortured during the making of this party.

Happy 30th Jack!

Red All Over

It was an accident?

Open mouth, insert paint

Breakfast at Emily's

Give me a long filled john and nobody gets hurt

Dear cell phone companies

Where are you Christmas?

Lately

Wii for sale - brand new in box!

I've made a huge mistake

Annie Bananie

While most kids are watching The Wiggles...

SB Fancies Herself a Gymnast

Instructions for a Babysitter

Gulf Shores

She's mobile

I can't fix this

Now, there's packit!

Congratulations

Anybody want a Wii??

To my daughter on her 4th birthday

I feel like I'm taking CRAZY pills

Because they just come to me in the middle of the night

Be sure that your sins will find you out

To the person who owns the dog that poops in my yard every day

Mystery blog giveaway

Take the money and run

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times

SB, Why is Annie Crying?

Hi Mary Beth! Read in Reverse. Updates posted at top

No Rest for the Weary

H.O.O.B.

SB's Prayer

In the mood for something adorable?

Awwwwkward

Babysit Me!

Pictures from Emily

Pictures from Emily

Meet Annie

Annie is Here!!!!!!

Annie Watch: Oh, the Agony

Annie Watch

How to induce labor

How to handle a telemarketer?

I love you but

Free* Chicken

Meet Hoscott

It's Officially Official

Lymph Node: CLEAR!!!

A Little Reminder

Update on Meredith

Initial Lymph Node Report

post surgery update

Surgery Day

PET Scan NORMAL!!!!

A Message from Meredith

Messages for Meredith

Meredith Update

Prayers, Please

Nesting and Resting

All I Want for Christmas is Poo

I'll Be Sick for Christmas

It's Beginning to Smell a Lot Like Christmas

What Child Is This?

Meet Ellie

Dossett Big Fool

SB's Prayer

More SB Stories

Terrorist name: Gusher

ATTENTION DEENA

SB said:

What's a girl gotta do to get a banana popsicle in this town?

Jeffrey Osbourne and his Wings of Love

In an effort to prevent spam...

I've made a huge mistake

I'll be helpful when I'm dead

My check is in the mail

A skating odyssey

I have great news

Since we last spoke